Proverbs 3:5-6
Christian dating advice for men, just like Christian dating advice for women, must start with the Bible. Dating is not a topic directly covered in the Bible, so Christians will have to take general truths that are in the Bible and apply them to the issues in dating.
Every guy is different. We all have some unique gifts and challenges. So not all of this Christian dating advice will apply to all Christian men. I’ll have to make some generalizations to write an article like this. But I believe these 6 pieces of dating advice apply to many Christian men.
1.Think About Your Future Together, Not Your Fantasy
Men are usually much more visually wired than women. It’s tempting, therefore, for men, including Christian men, to focus too much on the exterior of a woman and not enough on her internal beauty (or lack of internal beauty).
Attraction is important, but attraction is a fickle thing when it comes to men and women. You can be married to the most physically beautiful woman in the world, but if she disrespects you or thinks you don’t provide well or thinks your hobbies are a waste of time, I can guarantee your attraction for her will quickly fade away.
Likewise, you may not be blown away by a woman’s external beauty the first time you meet her, but if she starts showing interest, thinks you’re funny, really respects you, thinks you are a strong man of God, and wants you to lead and love her, watch out because fireworks are about to fly.
Therefore you will need to be wise and know yourself. What are you overly attracted to about women that in the long-run are not that important? Are you over valuing her hair color and totally missing an amazing Christian woman who is beautiful but has a different hair color?
So my first piece of Christian dating advice for men is: Don’t be blinded by her beauty. Don’t be led around by fantasy and seduction like a dumb ox foolishly walking to the slaughter house (Proverbs 7:1-27). Think about the type of long-term future you could have with a woman when you are dating her.
Is she a Christian? Does she love God? Don’t even ask yourself if you are attracted to her if she does not pass these basic tests first.
2. Before You Pursue a Life Partner, Stop Watching Porn
I’m not saying every Christian guy is addicted to porn. I’m not even saying that if you fall in this area from time to time but repent quickly that you are no longer qualified to date and marry a great Christian girl. What I am saying is that there are millions of Christian men who are privately addicted to porn. If you are one of them, address this issue before pursuing God’s daughter.
A porn addiction will not go away once the marriage bells ring. In some cases the lure of porn and sexual sin will be even greater because you will have more responsibility as a married man. Stress, being tired, and conflict are often triggers for porn use and marriage will have seasons of all of this. If you enter into your marriage with a sexual addiction it will probably get worse once you get married.
So my second piece of Christian advice for men would be: Stop pursuing porn and start pursuing a real life partner, in that order.
(Get my free eBook, Redeemed Like David: How to Overcome Sexual Temptation.)
3. Be the Type of Man She Would Want
I know Christian women can have high expectations too, but, and this is just my personal opinion, Christian guys are usually way worse. It feels like some guys want a Christian woman who has a perfect past, perfect face, is actively pursuing God all the time, and checks all the other boxes.
Hey, do your thing bro. Go for what you want in life. It’s another conversation to talk about what should and should not be important. In general I would say, “To each his own.” My only question is, “Would the type of girl you like actually like you back?” If you want someone who takes care of her own body, do you? If you want a woman who reads her Bible daily and has a strong relationship with God, do you? If you want a woman who is not dating around and is looking for a long-term Christian relationship that will hopefully result in marriage, are you that type of guy?
So the third piece of Christian dating advice I would give to men is this: Be as realistic as possible when it comes to the boxes you need her to check. And whatever you expect of her you must also expect of yourself. Otherwise you will probably be single forever because you will only pursue Christian women who won’t like you back.
4. Don’t Turn Her Purity Into Your Sacred Cow
Another double standard I often see amongst Christian men is in the area of “purity.” I don’t have the space in this article to list all the problems I have with the American church’s view of sexual purity. So all I will say here is that many men have made an idol of a woman’s sexual purity.
Christ is who makes a pure. Of course this is not an excuse for men or women to do what they want and then have no consequences in life. But what are you looking for when you ask her those questions about her past? You are probably asking her to be what you feel is missing about you. If she was living in sin at some point, don’t let that hinder you from seeing who Christ has made her right now.
Your identity needs to be rooted in Jesus, not in her and her perfections. She’s not perfect. Even if you think she has lived a “pure life,” that is not going to fill you and make you feel like the man you hope she will make you feel like.
So the fourth piece of advice I would give Christian guys is this: Go to a woman to offer your strength, not to find your strength. Trust me, you will have so much more joy in life if you go to her to offer what Christ has given you rather than if you look for a woman to give you what you don’t have. Lead her towards Christ. Don’t need her to be your christ. No matter who you both were in the past, Christ has made you both pure now if you have both put your faith in him.
5. Make Sure Both of Your Life Trajectories Are Similar Enough
So let’s say you both love Jesus, you both have similar theological beliefs, and you really enjoy spending time together. Those are some really big boxes you just checked, which is great. However, even though the “big” stuff is in alignment, there are still other major areas in life that the two of you could be headed in different directions on.
If you want to be a missionary to an unknown people group somewhere deep in the Amazon jungle but she would like to be a lawyer and send her kids to a private Christian school deep in the suburbs, there is a major difference here. Neither of those visions for life is wrong. You can love God and glorify him as a missionary or as a suburban mom making six-figures a year as a lawyer. But those life paths are so different it is unrealistic to think two people committed to such different life trajectories would make a good married couple.
Everyone will need to compromise in marriage. You will never find a woman who loves everything about your hopes and dreams for the future. But just be wise and make sure the differences are not so extreme the two of you will be miserable in marriage because neither of you feel free to pursue what you love.
You don’t want to make the woman the adventure. You want to invite her into an adventure with you. If the two of you are not pursuing a common goal in life, your relationship and attention on each other will not be enough in the years ahead. You will smother one another. Healthy marriages are not so inwardly focused. In a healthy marriage the man and woman love each other, but they are partners in loving God in specific ways that make both of their hearts come alive (1 Peter 3:7).
So my fifth piece of Christian dating advice for men is this: Ask the practical questions early enough in the dating journey so neither of you are wasting your time. For example, if you are young and in college but you know life after school is going to look very different for the two of you, why get your hearts connected like that if you know you are going to breakup?
(You may also want to read the blog, Theological Differences in Marriage, Dating, and How to Handle Both.)
6. Marry Someone Who Respects You, Not Someone Who Worships You
I think the danger of idolizing a woman is a little more obvious than the danger of a woman idolizing you. Hey, what guy doesn’t like when a girl thinks the world of him? What guy would want to be married to a woman who doesn’t think highly of him?
There’s a difference, however, between a woman who really respects you compared to a woman idolizing you. If she swings between being super happy with you and then super sad towards you, it probably means she has an unhealthy view of your relationship. If you are a god one minute and then a demon the next, it probably means she has lifted you too high. When she lifts you that high, the fall is always dramatic and painful, which is why there are such giant swings in her feelings towards you.
You want a woman who loves and respects you, not a woman who worships you. If she idolizes you, she will allow you to walk all over her. You want a woman who can put you in check when you need it. You want a woman who can respectfully disagree with you and have a different opinion and not turn it into WWIII.
So my last piece of Christian dating advice is: Look for a woman who worships God and respects you. If you need to be worshiped you will always find yourself in a relationship with really unstable women. You want a strong, stable wife who wants you to lovingly lead her while also not following you blindly and thinking you are her everything. That never ends well.
Christian Dating Advice for Men
There’s so much that was not said here. Christian dating advice for men could go on and on. Read the word, apply the word, love God above everything else, and look to date and marry a woman who is doing the same. No relationship will be perfect, but as a Christian man you should do everything in your power to develop into a great Christian husband so you and your future wife can glorify God together through his grace.