How to Fight Less with Your Spouse

1 Peter 3:1-7

Do you want to fight less with your partner? Do you want to argue less and enjoy each other more in your marriage?

While relationships will always have some form of fighting because we are all fallen, through Christ’s power and the wisdom found in the Bible, you can fight less with your spouse.

In this short video, my wife and I talk about 4 ways we have learned to fight less in our nine years of marriage. There’s so much more that we did not cover, but starting here will certainly help you fight less and enjoy your spouse more.

1.Fight with Your Spouse Less By Knowing When and When Not to Talk Through Offenses

According to the Bible, it is not necessary to talk about every little offense that occurs in marriage. For example, Proverbs 19:11 states, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” However, in Matthew 18:15 Christians are told, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”

One way to know if you should talk about an offense in your marriage is by giving it time. If you give it time and you are able to “overlook an offense” and are able to forgive and forget without bringing it up to your spouse, then it is wise to just keep moving forward. If you bring up every tiny little thing, having a happy marriage will be hard.

But if you give it time and you actually start to feel worse, then you know you need to talk with your spouse about this so he or she can apologize for the wrongs done. If time is just burying the problem and you feel bitterer, to fight less in your marriage you will need to practice Matthew 18:15 rather than Proverbs 19:11.

2. If You Want to Fight Less with Your Husband or Wife, Know the Difference Between a Disagreement and a Fight

If there are never disagreements, I think it probably means one of two things: Either one of you is super dominating and has trained the other person to never disagree. Or one of you is really passive and never wants there to be any conflict, so you just do what the other person says but also act like a victim all the time.

So disagreements have to happen in a healthy marriage because no matter how alike two people are, they are still two different people and will see some things differently. A disagreement is when there are two points of view that are not the same and you are discussing what course of action should be taken. That’s healthy and normal. A fight is when you are trying to win and make the other person lose. It’s no longer about the issue. Now it’s personal and it’s about being right and the other person being wrong.

You can fight with your husband or wife less when you realize disagreements are okay. Fights happen in marriage when we need the other person to agree with us and feel the same way as us on everything. So disagreements need to happen between a husband and wife. Fights do not (2 Timothy 2:23-24).

3. You Can Fight Less in Marriage By Not Being Emotion-Driven

God calls us to follow him, not our emotions. Fights quickly occur when we are controlled by our emotions.

One way to be wiser and argue less with your spouse is to be more thoughtful and Spirit led in the timing of when you bring things up. If everyone is hungry, you or your spouse just got off of work, the kids are screaming, or you both are tired, you can avoid further damage and fight less by bringing up any issues at a more ideal time.

Sometimes there is not a perfect time to bring up a problem, but there are often better and worse times. Overall, if you want to fight less with your spouse, be Spirit led and not emotion led.

4. If You Want to Fight Less with Your Spouse, You Must Pray More in Your Marriage

It can sound cliché, but prayer really is a powerful means of connecting people. When you are praying, you are no longer focusing on your spouse, the problem, or even your marriage itself; you are both focusing on the Lord. This can soften you and help you hear and say what you need to so you can end fights quickly and move forward.

Bethany and I have found it helpful to pray at least two times. First, we try to pray every day whether there is a problem or not. Second, if there is a disagreement or fight, we try to pray before and after we are done talking so we can both confess any sins either of us committed and move on in the mending process much faster.

Praying with your spouse will not always feel good right away. You probably will not want to pray together if you are fighting. But if you want to fight less and enjoy the blessings of marriage with your spouse, you will need to be faithful in prayer together.