Whether it be a few weeks, a few months, or many years ago, sometimes your heart can keep hurting after a breakup for much longer than you expected. Why does this happen?
Here are 4 possible explanations for why your heart might still be hurting even though a relationship ended and you feel like you should not be hurting so much anymore.
1. Your Heart Still Hurts After a Breakup Because You Agreed with the Lie that You Made a Mistake
When the breakup is past and you begin to look back, it’s easy to second-guess your actions.
Maybe you initiated the breakup because you were unhappy with this person and felt that there was someone else out there that would be a better fit for you. Or maybe you knew this person was not spiritually compatible with you. On the other hand, maybe this person initiated the breakup but you are now dissecting what you could have done differently to prevent this.
Never forget that you and this person broke up for a reason. It wasn’t random. It wasn’t like catching a cold and you both just got sick and needed to break up. There was a logical issue that caused this breakup. It was based in a past reality that was tangibly present. Your thoughts now, however, could be viewing the past through a skewed lens.
Of course, if you sinned in a way that caused the breakup, repent and ask God to forgive you. But if you broke up for a non-sinful reason and then you agree with the lie that you made a mistake that could have been avoided and then you two would still be together, this lie will fuel the hurt in your heart when you think about this past relationship. Our beliefs shape our actions, our feelings, and the direction we are headed in life (Colossians 2:8).
This is why Scripture routinely warns us to guard our minds (Colossians 3:2, Philippians 4:7, Romans 12:2). If you have agreed with a lie like this, you have to reject that lie. Believe the truth. There was a good reason for the breakup.
2. Your Heart Still Hurts After a Breakup Because You’re Holding Onto the Pain Since It’s the Last Remaining Connection You Have with This Person
Even if a relationship was dysfunctional, it can still hurt when someone is no longer in your life. You spent a lot of time with that person. Yeah, you had bad times together; but there were some good times too. It’s normal to miss them and to feel hurt that they are no longer in your life. You have to let yourself grieve this. With a healthy season of mourning, you will be ready to move on.
Things go wrong, however, when we begin to hold onto to the grief because we know that is the last remaining connection we have with this person. We know that if we stop hurting, if we stop feeling bad about them being gone, then they really will be gone forever. It’s possible to believe that it’s better to feel bad about this breakup forever rather than to not feel anything at all for that person.
That too is a lie. It’s the unknown that is blocking you from moving on. You may be subconsciously saying to yourself, “How can I live without this person in my life? It’s all I know. I need to feel connected to them somehow, even if it’s through the pain of them not being here.”
Yes, truly moving without them is an unknown. But God will be with you. He has new seasons for you, new groups of people to connect with, and perhaps a new relationship too. But you will always miss out on the good God has planned if you are clinging to what is in the past.
Isaiah 43:19, “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
3. Your Heart Still Hurts After a Breakup Because You Vowed to Never Get Hurt Like That Again
Ironically, when we get too obsessed with safety, this exposes us to danger. The only way to feel no pain in life is to kill your heart. An alive heart will always feel the good and the bad. To experience the good, you must keep your heart alive, thus you must also accept that there will be hard times again at some point. So if you are obsessed with safety, you will hurt yourself because you will cut yourself off from love.
Living your life with love and freedom is dangerous. But it’s worth it. Yes, you may get hurt again. But you will also experience love again if you choose to open your heart.
God is with you through the pain. Life is too beautiful to run from it in fear. If you have vowed to never get hurt again, you have also vowed to never love again. And as 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 explains, if you don’t have love, you have nothing.
4. Your Heart Still Hurts After a Breakup Because You Believed This Person Was Someone They Are Not
I know it hurts to be disappointed, but it hurts more to hold onto a lie. This person was not the one God has for you. If they were, you two would be together. You can’t thwart the sovereign will of God (Ephesians 1:11). They are not the one who got away. They are not your only chance at marriage. They are not the solution to your pain.
God is your solution. He alone can provide you with what your heart needs. His love is what we need most, and he alone can give us the other good desires of our heart, like true love with another person.
As Psalm 37:4 states, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
