Unrequited Love: Its Causes and Cure from a Biblical Perspective

The term “unrequited love” refers to those relationship situations where you like someone more than they like you. This may occur when you like a friend who has no idea you have feelings for them. This may occur when your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you even though you wanted the relationship to continue. Or this may occur when you see a stranger over and over again and you form a strong desire for this person even though they don’t know you exist.

So in this article, we will discuss 5 problems that often lead to unrequited love and then we will also discuss biblical solutions to these common issues.

1. The Problem: You Love Them So Much Because You Don’t Know Them That Much

The Solution: Remember the Fallen Human Condition and Accept This Person Was Not the Perfect One that Got Away

Ironically, sometime the type of unrequited love that lingers the longest occurs in those situations where you know very little about this person. Why is that?

A lack of knowledge about someone can cause a bad case of unrequited love because it’s easy to idolize them with no way of shattering the false images you’ve created. Whenever you idolize someone and then get into a real relationship with them, one of two things usually happens. First, you may end up demonizing them because they let you down so bad. In this case you move on bitterly and lose all fond feelings for this person. Or two, you get to know them and realize they are imperfect and sinful just like you; but you work through your issues together and have a healthy relationship rooted in grace.

However, when you just idolize someone from afar without every really knowing them deeply, your false and unrealistic image of them remains unshattered, thus fueling your pain at the thought of not having this person who seems so perfect for you.

In a situation like this, the key is to think biblically. Even though you don’t know the exact ways in which this person was imperfect, you have to accept the biblical truth that they really are flawed. They are not as good as you thought they were (Romans 3:23).

You don’t need to demonize them. But you must repent of idolatry and realize they are not the solution to your lack of happiness.

2. The Problem: You Have an Inner Ache You Were Born with and This Disappointing Relationship Situation Is Giving You an Explanation to Your Pain

The Solution: Realize that Every Ache Ultimately Points Us Back to the Ache Caused By Our Broken Relationship with God and Solved Only Through the Gospel of Jesus Christ

Have you ever wondered why you are so hurt by someone even though you know it doesn’t make logical sense? Why do some people go into a deep depression once they realize their crush does not like them?

One explanation is that there was already a deep ache in this person and they were looking for an explanation to it. When you are sad and feel hurt but you don’t have a great way to explain this intense feeling, it can feel like your pain is invalidated. But when you can attach your inner ache to this idea of “unrequited love,” it can give you an explanation to why you feel so bad inside.

The truth is, the deepest pain in our hearts is connected to our deepest loss – our connection to our Heavenly Father. The hole in you was left there due to the human condition of being separate from God through sin. Thus, only when you have a restored relationship with your Heavenly Father through Jesus Christ can you find the wholeness you are searching for in all these relationships that keep disappointing you (Romans 5:1-5).

3. The Problem: Unrequited Love Can Be Romanticized in a Twisted Way, Giving You Someone to Think About as a Solution to Your Loneliness

The Solution: Realize the Real Pain You Have Is Due to Loneliness and You Are Using the Image of This Person as a Symbolic Placeholder in Your Desire for Marriage

While a relationship with God through Jesus is the ultimate solution to our inner ache, this is not to say that our longing for a human relationship with a person is unbiblical. God gave us a need for others (Genesis 2:18). If you have a desire for marriage, usually that means God is calling you to pursue marriage (1 Corinthians 7:7).

So, in the meantime, it’s natural and normal to have a level of loneliness until you meet the person God has for you to marry one day. However, sometimes we mishandle this loneliness while we are in the waiting phase.

In a twisted way, we can sometimes come to believe that it’s better to hold onto this unrequited love rather than to have no love at all. This is simply not true. By letting someone go who doesn’t love you back, you are taking a big step forward toward the person who will love you back. To find the right one God has for you, you will have to let go of all the wrong ones God does not have for you.

4. The Problem: You Don’t Know How to Guard Your Heart While Still Remaining Open to Love

The Solution: Learn to Apply Biblical Wisdom as You Open Up More and More to People as There is More and More Evidence of Their Love for You

Unrequited love that lingers longer than you want usually stems back to a lack of properly guarding your heart (Proverbs 4:23). When we open up too soon to someone (Song of Solomon 8:4), it can cause us to stay stuck on them for too long.

Ironically, we often then make the issue even worse because we then overreact after getting hurt and stay completely closed off towards love in fear of getting hurt like this again. However, because your heart is now closed, the feelings for this person in your past stay trapped. Instead of being able to move on with someone else, you are now closed off and stuck with unrequited love.

This is why we must have a biblical view of guarding our hearts. Guarding your heart is not about walling it off or even keeping it safe at all cost. To experience true love one day, risk will be required. Without taking a risk and being vulnerable, you can’t give and receive love. It’s a part of the deal.

When you love someone, you are opening yourself up to being hurt and to hurting this person. But in this vulnerable state, you two can then give and receive love as you treat each other right even though you could hurt each other if you wanted to. Trust and intimacy are built only when the possibility of betrayal is present. You can’t stay overly guarded and erase all possibilities of pain if you want to experience true love with someone.

This is why God allows humans to sin. If he removed our choice to not love him, he would also be removing our choice to love him. Love must be a choice. He knows that to have a true love relationship with people, he also has to allow people to reject him.

The same is true for us. If you want a healthy relationship, you have to know how to open your heart at the right time. When is the right time? You should open your heart more and more to someone as they show more and more evidence of trustworthiness. If you open your heart fully to someone you don’t know that well, you will usually get burned. So yes, you must open your heart to have true love, but you must guard your heart too as you find the right person God has for you.

5. The Problem: You’ve Believed the Lie that This Person Was Your Best Romantic Option in Life

The Solution: Believe that God’s Plan for You Is Better than Your Plan for You

Perhaps the biggest reason for why unrequited love lingers for so long is because you have come to believe this person was your only chance at true love. Reject that lie. If you didn’t end up with that person, this means they were not the one God has for you (Ephesians 3:20-21).

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