3 Subtle Signs a Christian Man Is Gauging If He Should Pursue You

When a Christian man is trying to decide if God wants him to pursue a particular woman or not, he will do many things that you would expect, like pray, apply the Scriptures, and examine the reality of his relationship with you.

However, there are also some really subtle things a man does, particularly in the beginning of this process, to gauge whether or not he should pursue you. It’s important for you to know these things because it will help you know how to send the message you want to send. If you’re not interested, you can shut it down before things get awkward. And if you are interested, you can do certain things that will give him the green light.

Therefore, here are three subtle ways a Christian man gauges if he should pursue you.

1. Distant Observations to See Your Relationship Status and Patterns

Luke 21:1-2, “Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. And he said, ‘Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.’”

As Jesus shows us here, even by observing someone from afar and never even talking to this person, you can learn a lot about them.

One of the first things a man will want to know before he considers pursuing you is if you are in a relationship with someone else. If he doesn’t know you, he will often try to find the answer to this question by observing you before approaching you.

When a man is observing you from a distance to see if you are in a relationship with someone, it will be hard for you to know he is doing this. However, once the man moves into the other steps that we will discuss in the following points, you will then know he was doing this.

For example, if he does observe you for a while from a distance, when he finally does talk to you, he may say something like, “I’ve seen you volunteering at the small group information table. Do you know of any small groups that might be a good fit for me?”

A little statement like this may not seem like much, but, clearly, he is taking note of your individual actions even though you are in a crowded space where many other people are doing things too. The fact that he’s aware of what you’re doing could be a sign he’s been watching you to see if you’re with someone.

2. Trying to Share Your Space to See if You’re Inviting or Not

When Abraham’s servant was searching for Isaac’s future wife, he took a very simple step. He first tried to occupy space that would lead him to be able to see if Rebekah was open to him or not (Genesis 24:11, 17).

Likewise, if a man is socially mature, he will know he can’t just observe you from afar, randomly come up to you, and then ask you on a date right then and there. Some men certainly try this, but as you know, most women will shut this down because it’s too much too soon.

So, to bridge the gap between what he hopes will happen to what will happen, a wise man knows he needs to create opportunities in reality to see whether or not a connection can be made. The first step to make this happen is to occupy the same physical space as the women he is interested in. He knows he needs to at least be near her for anything to happen.

Thus, if a guy seems to always sit in your general area or seems to always be a few spaces behind you in line or seems to get out of his car as soon as he sees you get out of your car, these could be little indications he’s trying to gauge whether or not he can build a connection with you.

3. Made-Up Reasons to Talk to You

Oftentimes, a man will combine this step with what I just talked about in point 2. For example, if he sits near you at church, he may come up with an odd excuse to ask you some random question before the service begins, such as, “Hey, sorry to bother you, but do you know what passage the sermon is about today?” He could obviously just wait to hear what the pastor says once the sermon begins, but if he wants to see if he can build a connection with you, he might just be using any reason to talk to you.

Therefore, if his question seems random but he asked it to you specifically, it could be because he’s subtly gauging if you’re open to talking more with him.

While Jesus obviously did not have any romantic intentions when talking to the Samaritan woman in John 4, he did create a bridge to talk to her that really had nothing to do with his true intentions. He asked her for a drink of water (John 4:7), but really, he wanted to share the gospel with her (John 4:21-26).

What Should You Do If You Think a Guy Is Subtly Gauging if He Should Pursue You?

As I mentioned in the intro, the reason it can be helpful to know if a guy is subtly gauging your interest in him is so you can send the message you want to send.

If you don’t want him to pursue you, the best thing you can do is to politely shut him down by engaging with him as little as possible. You don’t need to be rude or cold. But just don’t engage any more than is needed to simply be polite. A man should get the message if you do the minimum toward him.

If, however, you want him to keep investigating the possibility of pursuing you, then the best thing you can do is to do more than the minimum courtesies required for politeness. In other words, you should engage him back. If he asks you a question, probe and ask him a related question. If he tries to sit near you and talk to you, do the same thing to him next week.

There’s a lot more to say on this topic, so if you would like additional information on how to invite a man to pursue you without pursuing him, my newest book is for you. It’s called Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You.