5 Things a Woman Should Not Do When Inviting a Man’s Pursuit

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I encourage women to be inviting. However, since men are called to pursue, a woman’s invitation can go wrong in many ways. So in this article, I’m going to share 5 things a woman should not do when inviting a man’s pursuit.

This is a big topic and the Bible actually has a lot to say about it. In fact, I wrote a whole book called Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You. If you are a Christian single woman and you want to know how to invite your future husband’s pursuit without pursuing him, you may really enjoy this book.

1. When You’re Inviting a Man to Pursue You, Don’t Remove All the Risk for Him

In most cases, I don’t recommend for a woman to verbally share her feelings first with a man. I think this is usually a bad idea because this is too close to the woman pursuing the man. God has called the man to lead in marriage (Ephesians 5:24-25); thus, the man should be leading in the dating process to show that he has the qualities of a godly husband. Pursuing fits more naturally with God’s design of men than it does for women.

In addition to the spiritual and theological issues that can occur when the woman shares her feelings first, I also think this is a practical mistake too. Men need risk to feel like they are loving a woman. It shouldn’t be too easy for a man to pursue a woman because then he is robbed of the opportunity to show his willingness to sacrifice. While men may not enjoy the anxiety and unknowns that occur when they are building up the courage to express their feelings for a woman to then see how she feels about him, these negative feelings are needed so that he has a battle to fight, a dragon to slay, and a way to show this woman that he cares about her.

So rather than inviting his pursuit by just telling him how you feel, give him access to you so he has the opportunity to express how he feels. Make bridges for him to build a connection with you.

And as a sidenote, Ruth did openly express her feelings for Boaz in Ruth 3, but she only did so after Boaz made many sacrifices for her in Ruth 2. Additionally, there were some odd practical barriers they needed to overcome so Boaz could pursue, so it made more sense for her to be so open. This is a topic I unpack in much greater detail in my book, Invite Him.

2. When You’re Inviting a Man to Pursue You, Give Him Time to Respond

It’s not easy to be inviting. Sometimes a woman is very shy or she’s afraid of getting rejected. So once she finally works up the courage to interact with a man in an inviting way, a lot of emotions can be swirling around in her. Things get even more complicated if the man does not respond in the way that she expected.

Sometimes her snap reaction is to just move on and assume the guy has rejected her. However, this is not always the case. He may just be a slow processor. If it took you weeks to work up the courage to do what you did, perhaps he will need just as much time to process and react too.

As Naomi said to Ruth, “Wait, my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out, for the man will not rest but will settle the matter today” (Ruth 3:18). Boaz and Ruth were able to proceed quickly because they had history already. They were working together for months by this time. But either way, sometimes you just need to wait and see like Naomi told Ruth.

3. When You’re Inviting a Man to Pursue You, Do Not Keep Inviting Him to Pursue You If He’s Not Also Initiating Things

It’s important as a woman to know when you’re crossing into an unhealthy pursuit. If you invite a man to pursue you through verbal interest, an invitation to spend time with you, or some other means that you think of, you are giving yourself an advantage in many ways.

First, you will be able to know much faster if there’s any future with this guy. When you just wait and wait and wait for the man to do something, you might end up waiting for much longer than you needed. If you interact with him, however, it might be very clear he’s just not interested in you romantically.

If he does respond well to your invitation, you should not keep inviting him unless he begins to be proactive in his pursuit. The danger in doing too much as a woman is that you might end up with a passive guy who will never be able to lead you in marriage. Think of inviting as a spark. You may need to light the flame, but you shouldn’t be the only one adding log after log to keep the fire going.

Notice that after Ruth invited Boaz’s pursuit in Ruth 3, Boaz was the main initiator in the events that took place in Ruth 4.

4. When You’re Inviting a Man to Pursue You, Don’t Do Anything that Is Too Unnatural for Your Personality

Whenever I’m coaching a man to pursue a woman or a woman to be inviting towards a man, I try to stay away from specific action steps or ideas. I give examples but not to be specifically followed; rather, I offer examples to help spark your own ideas. The key is to interact with the person you like in a way that is true of yourself.

So as a woman who wants to be inviting towards a man, you never want to stretch yourself so far that you are doing something that is unnatural for your personality. You do have to stretch yourself. You might need to try something you never thought you would. But don’t pretend your extroverted if you’re an introverted. Don’t be bubbly if you are more serious. Don’t try to be too serious if you are more naturally lighthearted. Don’t try to be athletic if you don’t enjoy athletics. Be inviting in a way that is true of who you are.

God made you who you are on purpose (Psalm 139:14). Your goal isn’t to get a specific man to like you at any cost. Your goal is to find the man God has for you who will enjoy you for who you are.

5. When You’re Inviting a Man to Pursue You, Don’t Play It Overly Safe Because You’re Afraid of Rejection

While you don’t want to compromise on your values or personality traits, you do have to realize that all humans struggle with the fear of rejection. This is not a personality issue. This is just a human issue.

So when you want to be inviting towards a man, reconnect with God and get secure in him first. Get to that place in your heart where you know you will be okay in the Lord even if this doesn’t go well. Love doesn’t work when we play it safe. From start to finish, a loving relationship requires vulnerability. He will have to be vulnerable in his pursuit of you and risk rejection. You will have to be vulnerable with him as you open up and try to be inviting towards him.

I’m sure it wasn’t easy for Ruth to go to the threshing floor (Ruth 3). But that’s where her heart and Boaz’s heart were connected on a deeper level. If you want to be inviting towards a man, you can’t be ruled by your fear of rejection.

I’ve talked a lot more about these themes in my new book, Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You.