5 Things God Will Do to Your Identity When Preparing You for Marriage

Your identity is the most important variable in everything you do. Who you are will dictate what actions you take or don’t take. So, when God is preparing you for marriage, he will definitely be forming your identity in very intentional ways.

Therefore, here 5 ways God will work on your identity to prepare you for marriage.

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1. When Preparing You for Marriage, God Will Work on Your Identity in Him

What is “your identity?” When we use this phrase, we are referring to our beliefs about ourselves. An identity is the core accumulation of values, attributes, and beliefs about one’s origin that supply the framework for how we think and feel about ourselves.

Thus, your identity is really the source of our actions. What we do is a reflection of what we believe about ourselves. If you believe you are not a valuable person who doesn’t deserve love, you will act that way. This is why our identities must always be first and foremost rooted in God through Christ.

Biblically, there are many good ways to see yourself when you are redeemed. You are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17), you are a chosen priesthood (1 Peter 2:9), you are God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10), and you are fully blessed in Christ with everything you could ever need (Ephesians 1:3).

But when it comes to our identity, including when it comes to functioning well in a romantic relationship, perhaps the most important attribute you must understand is that you are God’s child (1 John 3:1). He is your Father (Matthew 6:9). When you know you are God’s son or daughter, this will lead you to be secure in him, empowering you to love him and others as he desires (1 John 3:10).

2. When Preparing You for Marriage, God Will Work on Your Identity Towards Yourself

We must always be humble and recognize our need for Jesus. Yes, we are sinners who deserve death. But when you are saved in Christ, he transfers his holiness onto you (2 Corinthians 5:21). Thus, you must also see yourself as pure and holy because of what Jesus has done (1 Corinthians 1:30-31).

If you have a poor view of yourself, you will treat yourself poorly. You will allow other people to mistreat you if you are mistreating yourself. God tells us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), and our hearts are basically who we are as a person (Proverbs 27:19).

When you know you are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and you are precious in his sight (Psalm 139:14), you will know how to choose a partner who treats you right.

3. When Preparing You for Marriage, God Will Work on Your Identity Towards What Other People Think of You

If we are not identifying with God as our Father, we will become obsessed with the opinions of others. We will become those who “love the world” (1 John 2:15) because we are seeking the world’s love. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:21). When you are trying to find your identity in what other people think of you, you will be tortured with anxiety and people pleasing:

• Are people staring at me because they think I’m weird?
• Will people think highly of me if I drive this expensive car and wear these certain clothes?
• Are people judging me because I’m still single?
• I know I’m being prideful but I just can’t help elevating myself over others. Why can’t I stop?

When God is your God, you are secure because he is secure (Hebrews 13:8). But when you worship a false god, you become insecure because those gods are not stable. People are insecure, thus if you idolize people, you will always feel insecure because they are so unstable.

And in regard to being prepared for marriage, your desire to be defined by people will dictate who you choose to date and marry. You will let the world’s values become your values, and this will certainly lead you to be in a relationship with the wrong type of person.

But when your identity is rooted in Christ, you will make relationship choices that will lead you to the right person who can love God with you (1 Corinthians 7:39).

4. When Preparing You for Marriage, God Will Work on Your Identity Towards the Opposite Sex

The command to love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31) requires that you first have a healthy relationship with yourself. I’m not talking about putting yourself above others or being too preoccupied with yourself. But if you don’t know your value in Christ, you will not know how to value others either.

How you treat yourself will also be how you treat others. This is why your identity will always be such an important variable in a healthy relationship. If you are not secure in Christ, you will ask a man or woman to make you feel secure. You will ask them to be your identity. Your relationship with this person will a rollercoaster ride that eventually flies off the tracks.

A man and woman don’t need each other to know who they are. They must come together and form a couple once they do know who they are in Christ. You can’t be a godly husband or wife if you are not first a godly man or woman.

To prepare you for marriage, God will teach you how to value and love the opposite sex without being defined by them.

5. When Preparing You for Marriage, God Will Work on Your Identity Towards Earthly Outcomes

If you believe you are what happens to you, you will eventually believe you are a rejected failure. None of us are loved perfectly by people. None of us will always be winners in the earthly sense. Bad things happen to us all. We usually get rejected in romance before God leads us to the one person he wants us to marry. If you are defined by earthly outcomes, you will never be able to live boldly on earth. You will be too afraid of “failing” or getting rejected. Notice, however, the view Paul had in Philippians 4:12-13 because he knew who he was in Christ:

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

These truths are pivotal for all of life. But when it comes to being prepared for marriage, you must know you are loved by God even when things in your life don’t go the way you want. This knowledge of his care and guidance will empower you to keep going even when things don’t go the way you want.

This perseverance in Christ eventually leads you into his will for you, including when it comes to meeting and marrying the person he has for you.

And if you’re a Christian single woman, you may be interested in my new book. It’s called Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You.