Is it a sin for a woman to make the first move? Is it wise or will it scare a man off because it’s too pushy? Is a woman taking matters into her own hands and not trusting God if she does something proactive to be in a relationship with a man?
These types of questions can be difficult to answer because the variables in each woman’s life can change the answers. Making the first move could be a sign she’s not trusting God and taking matters into her own hands. On the other hand, not making the first move could also mean she is ignoring what God is saying and expressing a lack of faith because she’s fearful.
So rather than give you absolutes on this topic, here are 4 biblical principles about why it is right in some instances for a woman to make the first move towards a man.
1. It’s Biblical for a Woman to Make the First Move Because She Is Free to Experience Human Responsibility
Let’s first clarify what I am not saying throughout this article:
- I’m not saying a woman should pursue a man
- I’m not saying a woman should lead a man
- I’m not saying the roles of men and women are interchangeable
Rather, my main point in this article is to encourage women that they have been given personal responsibility by God to be actively involved in all areas of their own life – including when it comes to getting married.
It is right that the church teaches Christians that the man should pursue the woman. However, there has been an imbalance in the teaching emphasis on the men being proactive without also telling the woman how to be proactive, making it seem like the woman should just wait and is sinning if she does anything proactive to get into a relationship with a man.
The first reason this is wrong is because it goes against one of the core qualities of what makes us human. The difference between animals and humans is that we are not solely governed by the stimulus-react paradigm. Between the external stimulus and our internal response is our human free will. We can think, process, and determine what we should and should not do in response to what is happening in the world rather than reacting on impulse like an animal.
Sadly, many women feel they are without personal agency and their relationship futures are solely determined by the actions of men who either choose or don’t choose to pursue them. This creates an unbiblical, deterministic paradigm that Christian women passively get trapped within. It’s the wrong way to view themselves and their role within their own lives.
Women are humans. Humans have been bestowed personal responsibility by God. Thus, women should take personal responsibility for experiencing the relationship desires they have. Yes, the man has personal agency too. And God has to create the will he wants to create. But nowhere in God’s economy does he want a woman to think she is powerless and merely at the mercy of a man to dictate what does or does not happen to her.
Like Ruth, sometimes a woman should make a bold move to spark a man’s pursuit of her (Ruth 3:9), which leads us to point two.
2. It’s Biblical for a Woman to Make the First Move When She Wants to Invite a Man to Pursue Her
Making the first move is not the same thing as pursuing a man. It becomes pursuing when the woman keeps inviting the man’s pursuit, when she has to initiate all the romantic interactions, and when the man is looking to her to lead the direction and pace of the relationship.
However, sometimes a man needs help. Remember what God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). A man isn’t all knowing. God sends a woman into his life to assist him. This process of helping doesn’t magically begin after the wedding vows. In fact, God will help a man know he should marry a woman when that man sees how much this woman is helping him.
Thus, it’s biblical for a single woman to help a man know he should pursue her. I could say a lot more about this topic. In fact, I’ve actually written a whole book about!
Click here to learn more about Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You
3. It’s Biblical for a Woman to Make the First Move When She Needs Clarity for Her Own Heart
Is this guy just being nice or does he like you romantically? Is he trying to be respectful by taking things really slow in friendship or does he actually just see you as his forever-friend? Should you be open to other relationship opportunities or would that ruin your chances with this guy you really like?
To get answers to questions like these, you basically have two options: keep waiting or do something.
Sometimes you really should just keep waiting. If your friendship is deepening, if there’s a logical reason for why things are taking so long, or if you just have a strong sense from the Lord to not make the first romantic move, then certainly keep waiting.
However, if you are confused and there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight to find the clarity you long for, oftentimes God isn’t going to give you direction until you do something to get that direction. For every action there is a reaction. When you do something to express romantic openness to a man, you will get some sort of feedback to help you gain more information about his feelings. Even if he doesn’t respond, his lack of response says something.
How were the disciples to know if they should stay in one house on their missionary journeys or move to a different place? Jesus told them to go out and do stuff. If they went to a house and they were well received, that was a sign they should stay. If they went to a house and were not well received, Jesus said that was a sign they should move on (Matthew 10:11-14).
Likewise, if you really want to know how a man feels and you don’t want to waste years wondering what might happen, it is a biblical option to do something proactive to gain more clarity about how he feels.
4. It’s Biblical for a Woman to Make the First Move If She Senses the Holy Spirit Leading Her to Do This
There are moral laws that should guide everything we do. And there are principles that should guide how we live. However, it’s important to remember there is no specific law in the Bible about how a man and woman must proceed into a relationship.
That’s why it’s so important to stay in tune with the Holy Spirit’s personal leading. It’s not moral or immoral to make the first move as a woman. It really just comes down to what is wise and what you sense the Lord leading you to do.
Don’t follow worldly customs. Don’t follow your own personality preferences. Follow the Holy Spirit. If you feel the Holy Spirit telling you not to make the first move, don’t. If you sense him telling you that you should, do it.
As Galatians 5:25 states, “If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.”
