“Does God select your spouse for you?”
That’s an age-old question that sparks furious debate among some. To me, one reason for the disagreements often stems from using different terms in the questions. The other reason so many Christians answer differently about “the one” is because they have different theological foundations.
So in this article, I will answer this question “Does God choose your spouse for you?” and I will explain why I answer it the way I do.
Also, if you are someone who feels ready to do a deep study on what the Bible says about preparing for a relationship, I’m currently offering five of my most popular courses at AGW University at a greatly reduced tuition cost for anyone who enrolls before 5/28/25. Click here to learn more!
1. Yes, God Does Choose Your Spouse for You
The main reason I’m quick to answer this question with a clear “yes” is because I believe it is the only answer that allows us to be theological consistent. In other words, if we said that God did not choose our spouses for us, we would be denying all the verses about God’s sovereignty.
We could point to many verses that clearly state that God has the final authority on what does and does not happen. Here’s just one. Ephesians 1:11, “In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will . . . .” It states that God “works all things according to the counsel of his will.” The “all things” here includes who we marry.
2. Yes, You Choose Your Own Spouse
Notice that I did not just say, “No, God does not choose your spouse.” That would contradict point 1. This point about you choosing your spouse is not in contradiction to the truth that God also chooses your spouse. The fact that God chooses your spouse does not mean that you don’t choose your spouse. And the fact that you choose your spouse does not mean that God doesn’t choose your spouse. One yes here does not require a no. Both can be yes.
The reason we can say that God chooses your spouse and that you choose your spouse is because this is how the Bible talks about all human decisions (Proverbs 16:33). God’s sovereignty doesn’t negate human responsibility. Rather, God’s sovereignty works through human free will.
Again, we could point to numerous examples of this in Scripture, but let’s highlight just one. Acts 2:23 (NIV), “This man was handed over to you by God’s deliberate plan and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men, put him to death by nailing him to the cross.” Who ordained that Jesus would die on the cross for our sins? God. Who chose to sin against Jesus by killing him on the cross? Humans.
How can God sovereignly bring about his will through human choices without violating their free will? I don’t fully know. I just know this is what the Bible says. This whole question about God choosing your spouse or you choosing your spouse raises the same questions about who chooses our salvation, God or us? The Bible is clear. God must choose us and we are still free to make real choices. In J.I. Packer’s book, Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God, he writes:
C. H. Spurgeon was once asked if he could reconcile these two truths to each other. ‘I wouldn’t try,’ he replied; ‘I never reconcile friends.’ Friends?—yes, friends. This is the point that we have to grasp. In the Bible, divine sovereignty and human responsibility are not enemies. They are not uneasy neighbors; they are not in an endless state of cold war with each other. They are friends, and they work together.”
3. God Does Not Cause Sin, But He Is Still Sovereign Over Sin
Another layer to this question about whether or not God chooses your spouse for you is that human relationships always involve sin. What if you married someone that the Bible actually told you not to marry, such as a Christian marrying a non-Christian (1 Corinthians 7:39). How could God be the one who chose this type of union?
To answer these types of questions, it’s helpful to remember that there are different types of “God’s will” in the Scriptures.
First, there is God’s sovereign will. This is what he ordains to happen by his power (Psalm 139:16). Anything he ordains always occurs (Psalm 115:3). Second, there is God’s prescribed will. This is what God commands us to do in the Bible (1 Thessalonians 4:3). God’s laws are God’s will for us, meaning, his desire for us. But clearly we don’t always obey (Luke 7:30).
Thus, God’s sovereign will takes into account our choices to obey or not obey his prescribed will. So it’s not accurate to say that God wanted a Christian to marry an unbeliever since that goes against his prescribed will (James 1:13). But it is accurate to say that God ordained the outcome of those people’s sinful choices (1 Samuel 2:25). God doesn’t cause sin or lead us into sin. But he still has the power to produce the outcomes that he desires (Acts 2:23). We reap what we sow because God causes to grow what we plant (Galatians 6:7, 1 Corinthians 3:7).
4. “The One” Does Not Literally Mean There Is Just One Perfect Match for Everyone
Some people vehemently deny the teaching that God chooses your spouse because they assume this means that God has designed one man for one woman, like the idea of soulmates. They believe that we could then choose to marry the wrong person and set off a cosmic chain of bad matches.
This is a silly argument for a variety of reasons. First, it assumes that what God ordains that man can thwart. That is a wrong assumption. If God wills something to happen, he will accomplish it through his power (Isaiah 55:11).
Second, the fact that God chooses your spouses is not the same thing as saying that each soul only has one perfect match out there. Again, our human free will is a part of this. We can make good and bad choices that God sovereignly works through to produce his outcomes, which are not always going to be the most pleasing human experiences possible.
Third, some people will be called by God to marry twice, such as in the cases of widows (1 Corinthians 7:39). Other people will not get married at all, since God blesses some with the gift of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:7).
Therefore, when I use the phrase “the one,” I’m not saying there is a “perfect one” out there for you. Rather, I’m saying “the one” is the person God wants you to marry (Genesis 24:14). You will know you’ve met the one through applying the Scriptures and through the sovereign outcomes God produces by his own power.
As you can see, thinking biblically about relationships can be difficult at times. That’s one of the reasons I created AGW University. And if you are someone who’s been considering enrolling in my relationship training courses, I wanted to let you know that I’m currently offering five of my most popular courses at a greatly reduced tuition cost.
To learn more about this bundle of courses, click here before the 5/28/25 deadline!
