The Difference Between High Standards and Toxic Expectations

How can you tell if you have healthy standards that will protect you from getting into a bad relationship or unrealistic expectations that will sabotage you and keep you forever single?

By studying the Scriptures, we can identify at least 4 biblical differences between high standards, which are good, compared to toxic expectations, which will ruin your love life.

1. High Standards Keep the Wrong People Away. Toxic Expectations Keep Everyone Away

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) states, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” The Hebrew word for “guard” is natsar, which means “to keep, guard, to watch.”¹ This verb carries a more active and vigilant sense of guarding than an inactive sense.

So rather than implying we guard our hearts in a passive or static way, like building a wall around it and then relaxing because we think we are safe, the idea in Proverbs 4:23 is more like providing the ongoing watchfulness of a sentinel who stands on the wall, watching for friends and foes so the gate can be opened or shut. To properly guard something, a sentinel doesn’t just turn everyone away. What if the king was approaching? What if friends were arriving? What if people in need were coming for safety? If you just built an impenetrable wall around the city that no one could enter, that would be foolish.

Likewise, to guard one’s heart, the goal is not to lock it in a dungeon so no one can ever hurt you. Rather, the goal is to actively and wisely guard it so the right people can come in and the wrong people can stay out.

And that’s what high standards do. They filter unhealthy people away. However, toxic expectations are so unrealistic that they keep everyone away. If you can never meet anyone who lives up to your standards, it’s very likely that your standards are unrealistic.

2. High Standards Help You See Healthy People. Toxic Expectations Tempt You to See What You Want

Ironically, our internal fears often tempt us to make external choices that end up making those fears come true. For example:

• When you are afraid that someone will leave you if you open up to them, your closed attitude will push them away, which is the very thing you feared.
• If you put a lot of pressure on someone to never hurt you, sometimes they will start to lie to you about things they are struggling with because they are so afraid of hurting you, which, in turn, actually hurts you once you find out the truth.
• When you want someone to communicate a lot with you, the pressure you put on them to fill you actually causes them to shut down and not want to talk to you.

Likewise, if you fear being deceived by a liar, you may create really high standards for people so you will not end up with a liar. However, if you demand perfection and never have grace for imperfect people, the only people you will be attracted to are the ones who are pretending to be perfect, because no one is actually perfect. Ironically, your fear of ending up with a liar will actually create the environment for you to end up with a liar.

1 John 1:7-8 states, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” High standards can be met by someone who walks in the light. Toxic expectations, however, are things only liars who deny their own sin will try to live up to.

3. High Standards Are Rooted in Biblical Wisdom. Toxic Expectations Are Rooted in Worldly Fantasy

Contrary to what the world thinks about the Bible, it does not lay out an impossible list of laws that everyone must follow if they want to be a Christian. Actually, the Bible lays out a perfect law not so that we can follow it and be saved, but rather so we can see that we can never follow it and thus we are in need of a Savior. Romans 3:20, “For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.”

Ironically, the world ends up creating a very legalistic way of living while the Scriptures point to grace. The world creates symbols pointing to our need for a loving Savior. Every movie has a hero, every song has an object of worship, and every person dreams of finally meeting someone who can fill their heart completely.

Scripture, however, states that what we are all truly searching for is Jesus. He’s the one we actually long for. Thus, healthy standards will help you meet people who know they need Jesus just like you do. Toxic expectations, however, will be rooted in fantasy and Hollywood, and they will leave you empty because no one can save you but Christ.

God wants you to enjoy a relationship with another human. But no one can live up to romance novels and movies.

4. High Standards Are Something You Can Live Up to. Toxic Expectations Are Only Things You Expect Others to Live Up to

Perhaps the best way to know if you have high standards or toxic expectations is to first ask, “Am I living up to this standard myself?” Before you expect anything from anyone, always expect it from yourself first.

Matthew 7:3, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”

Healthy standards start with treating others how we want to be treated (Luke 6:31). Toxic expectations start with pride and entitlement, thinking that we deserve grace but everyone else needs to be perfect (Matthew 18:33-34).

If you are able to live up to what you want in someone else, that is a great sign that you have healthy, high standards.