When two friends like the same guy or girl, it can make things very complicated. So what should you do if you and your friend have feelings for the same person?
Mature Adults Don’t Put Dibs on Single Guys or Girls
When two friends like the same person, they should not put dibs on this guy or girl. They should not get mad at their friend for liking the same person.
Hopefully the two friends can be mature and realize that they both have the same opportunity to be with this guy or girl. They will need to learn how to divide their desire for this relationship and their desire for this friendship.
What I mean is that when you are mature in the Lord, you can be happy for yourself if the relationship works out for you and sad for your friend. Or you can be sad for yourself if the relationship does not work out and happy for your friend. Your feelings for your crush do not need to corrupt your love for your friend.
So the first step when two friends like the same guy or girl is to work on living at peace with the other friend while simultaneously being able to pursue a relationship with someone that you both like.
Hebrews 12:14-15, “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.”
Ephesians 4:31-32, “ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Defer to the Other Person If They Are Further Along in the Relationship Than You
While point one is rather idealistic and will be very hard to accomplish, though it is possible, here is a more practical approach on deciding which friend should back off and which friend should pursue this Christian dating relationship.
The person who has the most significant relationship with this person should be the one to pursue it more and the other friend should backout. Point 1 is really for when two friends like the same guy or girl and everyone is on the same playing field. If everyone has the same relationship with one another, then I think everyone should be open to the possibility of a relationship happening.
But once real movement happens between one of the friends and the person both friends like, then the person left out should back off and let things progress for the other two people. If your friend is starting a real relationship with someone and then you get in the middle of it because you like that person too, that’s not good Christian behavior.
For example, if your friend has already gone out on a date with this a guy you like, it would be shady for you to then go out on a date with him right after that. But if neither of you have actually progressed at all in your relationship with this guy that you like, then you should not feel pressured to defer.
It Depends How Important of a Friendship This Is
The next factor to consider when two friends like the same person is how important is the friendship. The reality is not all friendships are created equal, and that’s okay. God did not design us to all be best friends with each other.
So when two friends like the same guy or girl, the friendship itself should play a big factor in what happens next. If you two are very close friends, a discussion should be had and the two of you will really need to work it out so this does not ruin your friendship. But if you are not that close with this friend, I don’t believe you have to defer or have a big conversation about it all. If trying to date this person that you like is more important than the friendship, that’s okay.
Of course you should not be sinful or underhanded no matter what, but you will need to weigh through what’s more important to you. If this guy or girl that you like is very important to you and this friendship is not that deep and not as important to you, well then it might be worth losing this friend over it.
It’s okay if your friend gets mad at you as long as you are not being deceitful or sinful. If your friend is not that mature, it will be very hard for him or her not be mad at you. But you can’t control that. Not all friendships are built to last forever. Some friendships are not worth missing out on taking a chance on a relationship you really hope happens.
You can’t control how your friend handles all this. The only thing you can control is yourself.
Pursue the Relationship You Want, Just Don’t Try to Stop Other People from Doing the Same Thing
Lastly, there’s really no biblical problem with two friends liking the same guy or girl. There’s no problem with trying to be with someone your friend is also trying to be with. There is a problem, however, when two friends start working against each other.
It’s okay for two friends to have the same crush, but those friends must give each other the freedoms they themselves want. If you try to deny the other person the freedoms you want in pursuing this relationship, that’s where the problem is.
James 3:15-18, “Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. 15 This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
Ephesians 4:25-27, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.
Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”
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