As you may have heard me say before, I don’t believe a woman should pursue a man but I do believe she needs to be inviting. Being inviting is different than pursuing because it is meant to spark the flame, not endlessly fuel the flame. As a woman, you want to inspire his pursuit and leadership.
But as we all know, this can be a grey area when it comes to application. How do you know when you’re inviting has gone too far and now you are pursuing? While I wish I could give you clear lines to never cross, I don’t think that would be biblical. The Bible doesn’t give us absolutes here. Rather, it gives us principles we need to wisely apply.
Therefore, here are 4 general guidelines that can help you be inviting towards the man in a feminine way without being too forward.
Step 1: Be Externally Visible and Internally Available
If you’re internally available but not externally visible, this won’t work. If you are externally visible but not internally available, that too will not move the needle. If you want a man to pursue you, you need to be visible to him and you need to project an availability to him.
So how can you do this? The externally visible part is self-explanatory. You need to actually be in places where he is also. If there’s no chance to see you, there’s no chance to pursue you. The internally available piece is more nuanced. It’s more about attitude than it is about techniques.
Jesus said, “for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). In other words, what is inside of you will always be what comes out of you. So if you want to project an availability and openness to godly men, you have to do the internal work first so you are projecting the right things.
If you’re scared of rejection, if you’re worried about looking like a fool, or if you feel entitled and like the man should do everything while you do nothing – these beliefs will come out of you and produce a negative aura around you when you interact with men.
So it’s not enough to just be physically visible or internally available. You have to be both.
Step 2: Build Verbal Bridges
I heard a story recently of a woman sitting in a coffee shop. An attractive man came in and she wanted this man to pursue her. The man sat at the table next to her. She wanted him to talk to her. She was working and had earbuds in. So to be more available, she took out her earbuds. However, after a few minutes, the man finished his coffee and left without saying anything.
While it was wise of her to take off her headphones so the man could speak to her, if she really wanted the man to engage with her, she should have made a verbal cue that she was open to talking. Men get mixed signals these days from society. So many women complain about men hitting on them, many guys assume they are a bother to women and that they will be perceived as creeps if they just approach a woman uninvited.
All that to say, if you are a woman who wants to invite a man’s pursuit while not being too forward, one of the simplest things you can do is open the lines of communication. For example, at minimum, the woman in the coffee shop should have at least said hello when the man first sat down. When someone sits next to you, it’s very acceptable to say hi within the first few seconds of their arrival. If you wait though and the person sits there a few minutes, you’ve missed your social window for a greeting. It would then be odd to say hi (though you could still do it if you want him to talk to you). If nothing else, this one spoken word would have let the man know she’s willing to engage.
She also could have done something more. She could have asked the man a question like, “I’m thinking about getting a refill. What did you get? Was it good?” Is that a profoundly interesting question? No. But a man who is interested would see that as an open door to keep the conversation going.
Or she could have said, “Hey, I’m sorry to bother you but I have a favor to ask. I’m shopping for a gift for my dad. What do you think of this sweater? In your opinion, would a man like this?” She could then have shown him a picture on her computer of the sweater. Again, not profound, maybe a little odd. But at least she would have signaled to the man that she’s open to talk.
Big picture, if you want a man to talk to you, make verbal bridges so he knows you’re open. This is actually what Paul did in Acts 17. He talked to them about their idols and then this sparked more questions from them.
Step 3: Mirror the Effort He Is Putting in
In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for his son, Isaac. The servant is led to Rebekah through a series of confirmations. While Rebekah passed some tests this servant had so he could identify the right woman, the servant knew he needed more confirmation. Genesis 24:21 adds, “The man gazed at her in silence to learn whether the Lord had prospered his journey or not.”
One key sign the man knew he still needed was for Rebekah to respond positively to the servant’s pursuit on Isaac’s behalf. When the servant asked more about her and if it would be possible for him to stay at her family’s place, Rebekah said she was from Abraham’s family line and that they did indeed have space for this man to stay with him. The servant then knew he was definitely on the right track (Genesis 24:22-28).
Likewise, when a man is interacting with you, you have to say things that make him know he’s on the right track. You have to at least match his positivity and effort. If he texts you, you need to text him sometimes too. If he invites you to spend time with him, you need to accept and make sure he knows you had a great experience once the outing is over. If you don’t respond positively, he will assume he’s not pursuing the right woman God has for him.
Step 4: Include Him in Your Group
Inviting a man to spend one-on-one time with you is not a sin; however, it can be perceived as too forward. One way to soften this invitation to make it less serious is by inviting him to a group event. Other people are included, so he won’t think you just want to spend time with him. However, since you went out of your way to invite him, this will introduce the thought to him that you could want to get to know him more. If he’s interested, he will at least want to investigate this further.
Additionally, doing things as a group is a great Christian practice that has many other benefits (2 Timothy 2:22). So this is really a win-win for everyone.
If you want more biblical information now to invite a man’s pursuit, you may enjoy my newest book, Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You.
