How can you meet the person God wants you to marry one day?
To be honest, that is a unique question for each individual. The way I met my wife will be different than the way you meet your future spouse.
With that said, I do believe there are some general principles that are timeless and will help anyone who wants to be married. While I’m not saying we can force God to give us our spouses by just following this formula, I do believe God is often waiting for us to do some of these things so he can then bless us with the spouse he has for us.
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Timeless Method #1 to Meet The One: Start with You
What do I mean by “start with you”? I mean that in everything you want in life, always start pursuing it by first looking at yourself and seeing what you’re doing well and what needs to improve.
In Matthew 7:3, Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Jesus’ language here drives home the point that we must always look at ourselves far more than we are looking at the external circumstances. In our own eye always lies a plank that disrupts our desires far more than the speck of dust in someone else’s eye.
And this doesn’t mean that we are always worse than everyone else. The point here is that metaphorically, other people are not as great a barrier to our desires as ourselves. Yes, they are a factor, but comparatively speaking, we put planks in our paths while other people put specks of dust. When talking about the principle to be proactive, Stephen Covey wrote:
I admit this is very hard to accept emotionally, especially if we have had years and years of explaining our misery in the name of circumstances or someone else’s behavior. But until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,” that person cannot say, “I choose otherwise.”
This principle of “start with you” is general, but it needs to be applied in specific ways when wanting to get into a relationship. Do you want a man to pursue you? Start with you; meaning, do what you can to be seen and inviting towards the man you hope pursues. Do you want to get to know a woman? Start with you; meaning, take it upon yourself to come up with conversation starters.
Time and time again, always start with yourself. You will find way better results than if you are constantly feeling like a passive victim who’s at the mercy of others allowing or not allowing you to meet the right person.
Additionally, it’s ironic but true: The less you worry about your external circumstances and the more you work on yourself, the more your external circumstances will positively change.
Instead of being shaped by their environment, powerful people have the ability to shape their environment. Rather than being a thermometer, you can turn into a thermostat.
Timeless Method #2 to Meet The One: Become The One
Oftentimes we ask, “How will God reveal the one to me?”, but it’s even more important to ask, “How will God reveal me as the one to someone else?”
As we highlighted in point 1, throughout the Bible, we see the principle that we must hold ourselves to the standards we are holding others to (Matthew 7:1-2, Luke 6:31). While this truth has serious spiritual consequences if we don’t follow it, this principle must also be applied in relationships. For example:
- If you are really attracted to people who look very healthy and in-shape, do you eat right and workout? People who spend time living healthy are going to want someone who is doing the same.
- Are you a woman who likes a man to have traditional values in dating, like paying for the dates, leading the “define the relationship talks”, and initiating interest? If so, are you also willing to hold yourself to traditional values that a man like this would want in a woman, like being feminine, respecting his leadership, and willing to not complain about his relationship timing?
- Are you a man who desires a woman who is living a sexually pure lifestyle? If so, are you living a sexually pure life too?
- Do you want your spouse to love the Lord and to be maturing in Christ? If so, how’s your daily devotions going? How is your Christian community being benefited by your gifts?
People tend to want someone who is at least equal or above them in the areas they value. There’s nothing wrong with that, but just know that people are going to treat you the same way. Someone who has the traits you want is going to want you to have these traits too.
Timeless Method #3 to Meet The One: Serve God Passionately and Look to See Who’s Beside You
Have you ever seen a friend walking in the opposite direction but neither of you could stop and talk? When this happens, you usually take those few seconds in passing to say hello and maybe get a few sentences in to update each other on how things are going. As it becomes harder to hear each other since you are both still walking in the opposite direction, you eventually smile and wave goodbye, moving on with your day.
Now think of a time when you and a friend are walking in the same direction. You can connect, talk, and give each other a proper update on how things are going.
The same is true when it comes to relationships in general. To really connect with someone, you have to be traveling in the same direction. You’ll know you are not traveling in the same direction when a connection starts strong but then begins to fade, like two friends trying to talk as they walk in opposite directions.
Remember, before God brought Adam his partner, he already had work to do. God only gave him his “helper” once he was already working (Genesis 2:15-18).
So if you want to connect with the person God has for you, you need to be traveling somewhere meaningful in life. By serving God passionately and giving him your whole life, you will naturally meet the person he wants you to marry when you look beside you and see who’s there.
Timeless Method #4 to Meet The One: Assimilate Into a Christian Community
The biggest mistake I see people make in this area is that they confuse attendance with assimilation.
Attending a Christian community is about being their physically. But when you have assimilated into that Christian community, it means you are there socially, emotionally, and culturally. Think of Ruth. She didn’t meet Boaz by attending church once a week in Bethlehem. She met Boaz by moving to Bethlehem, working in his field, and becoming a part of that Jewish community.
Likewise, more marriages have formed from two people actively participating in a shared Christian community than any other method.
Timeless Method #5 to Meet The One: Wait on God
Waiting on God does not mean you should wait to do anything proactive. Waiting on God is not about a lack of action. Waiting on God is about leaving the results to him after we have done what we are called to do.
It’s just like planting. We must plant the seed and water it, but God is still the one who must cause that seed to grow (1 Corinthians 3:7). If you are not planting and watering and being wise in your life, you’re not waiting on God. God is waiting on you.
However, after you make wise steps to become the one and to meet the one, you then have to trust God with the results. Then is the time to wait. Keep working on other things he tells you do, but then wait again, surrendering the results to him.
Working then waiting, working then waiting, working then waiting – that is the pattern for the entire Christian life, including when it comes to meeting the one.
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