Some churches are doing a great job in loving Christians singles who desire marriage. Some pastors and congregants offer biblical advice that validates this biblical desire for a relationship and helps support the Christian single person navigating singleness.
Unfortunately, however, there are also many church leaders and congregants who give unhelpful advice to singles that desire marriage. Their counsel can be hurtful, insulting, dismissive, and downright unbiblical.
Therefore, here are 5 things the church needs to stop saying to Christian singles who want to be married one day.
1. The Church Needs to Stop Saying, “God Will Give You a Marriage Once You Stop Idolizing Relationships”
It’s true that God will oftentimes withhold a relationship from someone if that person is idolizing relationships. In fact, I just recently made an article called 3 Signs God Will Give You a Marriage Once You Stop Wanting It So Bad. Am I being hypocritical here?
The reason the church needs to stop saying this is because it only applies to some Christian singles who are actually idolizing a relationship. This is why I put the phrase “3 Signs” before the title of my article. If those three signs don’t relate to you, then I’m not saying God may be telling you that you need to want a relationship less than you do.
The point here is that it’s wrong and judgmental to assume that a Christian single person who wants marriage is automatically idolizing marriage. They may be. They may not be. But wanting to be married is not a sign of idolizing a relationship. God is the one who gives people the desire to be married (1 Corinthians 7:7, Genesis 2:18, Proverbs 18:22, Proverbs 30:18-19). To tell people to want something that God wants them to pursue is unhelpful.
2. The Church Needs to Stop Saying, “Just Be Content in Jesus”
Do some Christian singles need to be more content in Jesus and stop putting their hope for happiness in a spouse? Of course. And there are also married people who also need to be more content in Jesus and stop putting their hope for happiness in their spouse.
As Christians, we must always seek to be fully content in Jesus at all times. Whether we have much or little, we are called to always be joyful in Christ (Philippians 4:4, 11-13). However, this truth does not mean it is wrong to want things you don’t have. Jesus is not threatened by our desire for a spouse. You can be fully content in Jesus and still long for a spouse.
It’s overly simplistic and judgmental to assume that someone who wants marriage is also unhappy in Jesus.
For more on this topic, you can read my article called Is It Wrong to Want to Be Married?
3. The Church Needs to Stop Telling Christian Singles to “Just Wait on God”
Waiting on God is always biblical. Without God’s intervention, we can do nothing on our own (Psalm 127:1). So yes, if you want to be married, you will have to wait on God to bring his will into fruition.
However, the issue here is with that phrase “just wait.” This is unhelpful and inconsistent advice compared to the advice the church usually gives with every other desire people have besides wanting a spouse. If you want a job, the church will tell you to pray and wait on God; but they will also tell you to get the training required, apply, and to network with people you know. They may even help you look for a job and reach out to contacts they have. If you are sick, they will tell you pray and wait on God. They will pray with you. But they will also advise you to see a doctor and follow the best medical advice on the issue you’re having.
And yet when you want a spouse, they often say, “Just wait on God.” This is just bad advice and an unbiblical application of the command to wait on God (James 2:17). Yes, we must wait (Psalm 27:14a), but the waiting must not be passivity (Psalm 27:14b).
Whenever we have a biblical desire, we are also to work hard and play our part and then wait on God to produce the result he wants to produce (Ecclesiastes 11:6).
4. The Church Needs to Stop Telling Christian Singles that “God Helps Those Who Help Themselves”
While it is unwise to lean too heavily on the “just wait” side of things, it is also unwise to lean too heavily on the “work harder” side of things.
The phrase “God helps those who help themselves” is one of the most common phrases people think is in the Bible but is actually not. There’s an element of truth to it; God does want to include us in the process rather than just doing everything for us. However, the way this phrase is worded can also mislead people into thinking that humans are achieving more in their own power than they really are (John 15:5, James 1:17).
This phrase also implies that if God is not doing something you want him to do, you must not be helping yourself enough. That is not always true. Sometimes you can take every wise biblical action to get a result that you desire, and God still might not give you want you desire (1 John 5:14, Matthew 26:39). His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9) and sometimes we need to just submit to his sovereign will and foreknowledge about what is best (Jeremiah 29:11).
5. The Church Needs to Stop Telling Christian Singles, “Just Do What I Did”
There’s certainly nothing wrong with sharing your story in hopes that it will help someone else make wise decisions. But when we tell Christian singles who want to be married, “Just do what I did,” it gives off an air of pride. It also takes credit for what God did through your actions (Isaiah 10:15).
There are no formulas when it comes to meeting the person God wants you to marry. If there was, God would have made that clear in Scripture. Instead of a one-size-fits-all approach to getting married, God has given us wise principles in Scripture that need to be uniquely applied to our own lives and circumstances.
As Oswald Chambers wrote, “Never try to make your experience a principle for others, but allow God to be as creative and original with others as He is with you.”
