4 Reasons Dating at Church Feels So Difficult (+Solutions)

If you’re a Christian single person who wants to be in a godly relationship, the most natural place you’d think to meet someone would be church. But as many of you know, it’s not as easy as it sounds to meet someone at church.

Why is that? In this article, I will discuss 5 reasons it can be hard to meet someone at church, and I will provide 5 solutions to each of these barriers.

Also, I’d love to hear your answer to why dating is so hard at church. Let me know in the comments. I think it would be great for many of you to share your experience, because I’m sure you’re not alone. I bet a lot of people will be able to relate to your experiences. And I’m confident many of you will come up with ideas I’ve never thought about before.

1. Dating at Church Is Hard Because Leadership Often Creates an Uncomfortable Environment for Singles

For better or worse, the leadership within a church often sets the tone (Titus 2:7). Some leaders can be wonderful preachers, wise in stewardship, and truly love their flock. However, they can also have immature views about dating. For example:

A pastor who got married in his early twenties may not understand how different dating is for older adults. He may project mindsets and strategies that are really only helpful for young adults.
A pastor may have a controlling spirit and fear that people will get hurt at his church. While his heart may be in the right place to keep people safe, his controlling spirit may tempt him to police singles in a legalistic and cold way.
Elders may be so focused on married people and families that they forget to create opportunities for the single people in their congregation to connect and grow.

So what can be done if you are experiencing this problem at your church?

First, try to build awareness. Many pastors and elders are humble enough to hear how the culture for singles at their church could be much improved. They may be able to make changes by simply being made aware. Don’t complain, nag, or come in with a master plan of what they can do better. Simply start by expressing your heart in a loving and gentle way.
Second, whenever you offer a critique, be prepared to be a part of the solution. If they receive your critique, make sure you are available to continue the conversation, volunteer if they start a new ministry, or even spearhead something new if they don’t have anyone to lead in the area of concern you are raising.
Lastly, be prepared to accept that every church has flaws. If you are growing spiritually and have great friends at your church, but it’s simply not a great place to meet someone to date, that’s not the worst complaint to have about a church. You may just need to think outside the box and not rely on the church to provide you with great dating options.

Which leads us to point 2.

2. Dating at Church Is Hard When the Church Is Really Small

Perhaps the most obvious reason dating at some churches can be a challenge is simply because there is a limited number of people there, particularly single people.

This is one of those problems that can’t be magically solved. Rather than thinking of ways to change this, this might be one of those situations where you just need to work on acceptance.

The wrong form of acceptance would be to say, “Well, there’s no one at church to date. I guess that means God wants me to be single forever.” Rather, healthy acceptance would be, “I wish there were more options at church for dating. But I accept that this is not reality right now. I will begin to pray about other possible avenues God may want me to use to meet someone.”

While church is the most obvious place to look if you want to meet someone as a Christian, it’s unwise to assume it’s the only place to look. In fact, it’s not wrong to remain a member at your church, staying involved, while also expanding your involvement in other local churches to increase your social network.

Maybe your best friend attends a different church that has a thriving singles ministry or simply has more people who attend. There’s nothing wrong with joining a small group there, signing up to go on a missions trip through them, or volunteering for their special events in the community.

As Christians, we can be loyal members of our church while also having healthy relationships with other churches. We shouldn’t think of church as exclusive clubs that compete with each other.

As Psalm 133:1 (NIV) states, “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!”

3. Dating at Church Is Hard When the Church Is Really Big

While you might think a bigger church would be easier to meet someone at, sometimes it can be even harder. When there are thousands of people there every week, it’s incredibly easy to slip in and out without being noticed by anyone. If you’re looking for a needle in a haystack, the more hay you have, the harder it will be to find that needle.

So what can be done? First, I would change your mindset about Sunday morning. While you should value Sunday morning attendance, gathering together for corporate worship, and sitting under a real preacher in person rather than a digital image on a screen, it’s important to understand the limits of Sunday morning, too.

It’s very hard to make new connections with someone during the hustle and bustle. To really make a connection, usually two people need to find a common bond. That’s why midweek activities through church are much more realistic for forming deeper connections. When you do something midweek, like attend a small-group Bible study, volunteer with other adults at the youth group, or help on Saturdays to set up for Sunday, you are building bridges to connect with others. Showing up on Sunday doesn’t give you those same bridges.

So if the church is really big, it’s crucial that you find ways to interact with people in smaller settings. Plus, there’s a big difference between attending a church and being involved at a church.

Ruth didn’t just move to Bethlehem. She got involved. She joined the community. And that’s how she met Boaz (Ruth 2:3).

4. Dating at Church Is Hard Because the Consequences of It Not Working Out Can Be High

While we would expect everyone at church to be mature and respectful, that’s definitely not the case. Many people there will love to gossip. If you were to approach another single person and start talking to them, out of the corner of your eye, you might see other nosey people gawking at you.

Also, you may be worried about getting a bad reputation. This one is especially worrisome for men. Since they are the pursuers, they worry that if they approach more than one woman during their lifetime at church, they may get the reputation of being a player.

There’s also the fear of things not working out and then having to see that person a lot. You may feel you would need to leave the church if you dated someone but then broke up. And so, since you don’t want to create that kind of stress for yourself, you may just choose to never date anyone from church.

What can be done in situations like this? Sometimes the real issue is our own insecurities. While others might gossip or view us poorly, in reality, that’s not something we should concern ourselves with too much. If your conscience is free and you’re trying to interact with the opposite sex in a loving and respectful way, sometimes you just have to let gossipers gossip. Don’t give people like that more of your emotional energy than they deserve.

When we know God is pleased with us, we can let other people be displeased with us. So as long as our conscience is free and we’re doing our best not to make others stumble, it’s really not our concern how other people feel about the choices we are making in our lives.

As Romans 2:29 (NLT) states, “And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.”

5. Dating at Church Can Be Hard Because the Primary Purpose of Church Is Not Dating

Big picture, it’s always important to remember what church is really all about. Church is the gathering of God’s people to edify each other and worship him as the body of Christ. While dating at church is not sinful. It’s certainly not the primary reason you should be attending church.

Therefore, before changing churches, make sure that “dating challenges” are not the primary reason for this change. In most cases, many of the struggles you are having to meet someone at your church will be the same struggles you would have in a different church.

Life and relationships are always hard. But take heart, in Christ, all things are possible! As Philippians 4:12-13 states:

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

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