How can you know if someone secretly likes you as more than a friend? You don’t want to ruin a friendship if someone doesn’t like you that way, but you also don’t want to be missing the signs he or she may be sending you as they gauge your interest in them. Relationships can be so confusing because we don’t know what the other person is thinking.
As I thought about what the Bible says regarding this topic, not much came to mind. I think this idea of wanting to know if someone likes you is more about walking through life with Jesus and just doing your best to live a biblical way in all circumstances.
So I guess my first piece of advice when trying to know if someone secretly likes you or not is this: Who knows! Don’t let little feelings like this consume too much of your thought-life and emotions. Keep Jesus at the center and keep experiencing real life rather than getting too stuck in your head. Go interact with that person in real life and see what happens. If you like him or her, make a move and walk with the Lord as new pieces of evidence arise.
(You may want to read my article What Should You Do When You Can’t Hear God’s Voice?)
All in all, I guess my main first point is that we talk about a lot of important things on AGW. This article is more fun and lighthearted and is not a matter of great biblical importance. With that said, I don’t think there is anything wrong with studying the Bible and coming up with a wise plan even when answering a somewhat unimportant question like “How can I know if he secretly likes me or not?” So here’s my thoughts.
If You Want to Know If Someone Likes You, Focus on Their Actions
So we can’t truly know someone’s thoughts, feelings, or motives. However, people’s actions are a reflection of their thoughts, feelings, and motives. While we certainly cannot know for certain the inner workings of someone just because we can see their actions, what they do does give us some glimpses into how they might be feelings (key word “might”). You will not be able to prove anything, but you can gather some evidence.
Jesus said you shall know them by their fruit (Matthew 7:16). In context Jesus was not talking about relationships and dating. He was talking about how you can know a true Christian from a false Christian. Jesus meant that we cannot know someone’s heart. Man can only look at the outward appearance of things and only God knows the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). But humans can look at the actions of people’s lives and have a good understanding of what is going on in their hearts because the inner man controls the outer life. We are not root inspectors. Only God can see below the surface. We are fruit inspectors. You can know the health of the tree by looking at the fruit it is bearing.
We can take that principle and apply it to this question of “How can you know if someone likes you or not?” We can’t truly know the thoughts and feelings of someone else’s heart. All we can do is look at the actions of their lives to see what we can learn about their feelings.
This is dangerous because we can often read into things that really don’t mean anything. We are told to not judge the heart of someone else because we often make assumptions based on our hopes rather than evidence. So let’s not take this idea of guessing if someone likes us too far.
With that said, relationships can be complicated and sometimes it helps to have some counsel on social cues that someone is sending to you (or not sending). That’s my goal in this article. I’m not saying all of these signs definitely mean someone likes you. In fact, taken in isolation, I would tell you to assume they mean nothing. However, if you see multiple subtle signs mentioned below that someone likes you, then there is a greater likelihood he or she does secretly like you.
(Note: These apply to men and women, but for the sake of grammar and simplicity I’m just going to speak to women wondering if a man secretly likes her. If you are a guy reading this just reverse the pronouns.)
- If he treats you differently than he treats other girls, this is a sign he likes you.
This point summarizes all the other points.
The main thing to notice if you want to know if a guy likes you or not is if he treats you differently than he treats other girls. Some guys are eager to help everyone. Some guys are generous with the complements to everyone. Some guys are super active on social media and like every single post they see. So this is normal behavior some men. However, if a guy does these things just to you and not every girl he sees, this could be a sign that he likes you.
I remember when I worked in the church with my friend who was the worship leader and single at the time. He was a very nice person. So many girls thought he liked them but that’s just how he was. He wasn’t flirting or texting girls or leading them on at all. He was just a really nice guy. If girls would have realized he treated everyone the same, whether she was 80 or 25, there would have been a lot less confusion on their end.
- When a guy goes out of his way to invite you to something or only attends social events when you are there too, it might mean he likes you.
Again, some guys are just super social and want everyone to feel welcomed. But most guys are not that way. So if a guy goes out of his way to personally invite you to something, it is a good sign he does like you and is gauging your response and interest back to him. This same logic applies if he asks you if you are going to something and only plans to go if you are going. If he shows up just to see you, it means he likes you.
- If a guy always tries to sit by you and be around you, he probably likes you.
When my wife and I were just friends but I liked her more than a friend, I always did my best to sit by her or at least be in the same circle as her so we could interact with each other.
Being around each other every now and then might just be a coincidence, but if it happens a lot it’s no accident.
- If a guy complements you more than he normally complements other people, he might be showing you that he likes you.
I try to complement people when they get a haircut or if I can tell they are dressed up. This was true of me when I was single too. I wanted to be encouraging so I would let people know when I thought they looked nice or did something noteworthy. So if a girl thought my complement to her was me hitting on her, she would have been wrong.
However, not all guys do that. If a guy goes out of his way to say that you look nice or notices something about you that you changed, it might mean he is paying extra attention to you and secretly likes you more than just as a friend.
- If a guy “likes” everything you post on social media, he might like you.
I’m not saying I condone this tactic, but I see a lot of guys using it. When a girl they like posts something on social media, they are the first to “like” it, share it, and make a comment on it. I remember one guy who liked this girl and engaged with everything she posted. When he started dating someone else, however, he stopped all that. Again, I think it can come across as a little odd, but if you like the guy who is doing that to you then you should be happy because it probably means he likes you.
- A guy might like you if he looks slightly concerned when you are talking with another guy.
Jealousy is a sin in the Bible, but there is another type of jealousy that is different. God is a jealous God (Exodus 34:14), and while humans are not God, I do think there is a way to be “jealous” in a non-sinful way.
A guy shouldn’t be possessive or controlling or hateful towards other guys who like you, especially when he has made no commitment to you and the two of you are not married. But if he looks slightly concerned when another guy talks to you or if you go on a date with someone else, this could be a sign that he secretly likes you. Likewise, if he doesn’t seem to care when this happens, it probably means he doesn’t like you.
- If a guy rearranges his schedule to be with you, he probably secretly likes you.
If you invite a guy out and he doesn’t cancel his previous plans to accept the invitation, it doesn’t automatically mean he is not interested. But if he does rearrange his schedule to see you, help you do something, or to just be with you in some way, it is a strong sign that he likes you.
- If a guys gets awkward around you and acts differently, he probably likes you.
Girls have been training to be relationship experts from toddler age. My three year old daughter wants to sit with me over tea and chit chat. When she plays with toys she pretends they are all talking to one another. My son just wants to play games and wrestle.
It should be no surprise that when we all become adults, girls are generally more expressive and social. Some guys can get really awkward when they like a girl because they aren’t sure what to say. If you get to know him he will relax and be able to show you his true self. So if a guy acts different around you and gets a little awkward, it might mean he likes you more than a friend.
- If a guy talks to you a lot, he might like you.
This tactic is also used by Christian players. A Christian player may not try to be physically promiscuous, but he can often times be emotionally promiscuous and cross boundaries he shouldn’t in conversation if he has no intention of actually pursuing you.
However, if a guy seems to talk to you more than he does to other girls, this is a good sign he likes you. Lots of guys don’t love to small talk, but if a guy likes you he will small talk all day just to be around you. If a guy is doing this to all the girls, you should probably stay away because he is either unaware or manipulative and either way he is dangerous for your emotional health.
- Other people make comments about you two.
When my wife and I were just friends, our other friends would make little comments about how much we would laugh together and things like that. It wasn’t a big surprise to them when we started dating. If other people are picking up on the chemistry between the two of you, this is a good sign you are not crazy and he does probably like you.
- He might like you if he is eager to help you when you need help.
Again, lots of guys are not super good with words, especially when they are just getting to know you. Many strong Christian men will never be very talkative. Lots of Christian guys express their feelings and love through their work ethic and actions. If a guy jumps at the opportunity to fix your car, help you move, or help you fix something, this could mean he secretly likes you.
- If a guy likes you he will stick up for you when you are not around.
If a guy really likes you, it will protect your honor even when you are not around. If you hear about a guy sticking up for you when people are talking behind your back, this is a very good sign he likes you.
How to Know If Someone Likes You As More Than a Friend
In closing, perhaps it would be helpful to list a few things I don’t believe mean anything. Sometimes we want someone to like us so bad we start imagining things. Here are a few things that are not signs in my opinion that someone secretly likes you.
- Eye Contact Does Not Mean He Likes You
I hear this one a lot. A girl gets confused because she feels like a guy intensely stares at her and makes eye contact a lot to send her a sign that he likes her. I mean, it’s possible, but this is probably the number one way I see girls imagining things because they want a guy to like her. He also might be making eye contact because you keep looking at him first.
Remember my worship leader friend who was single at the time? So many girls thought he liked them because they felt like he was locking eyes with them as he led worship for the congregation on stage. I’ve heard lots of people think someone in the worship team is looking right at them every week. Sorry, it’s not happening. If you’ve even been on one of those modern stages, the lights are blinding and you can barely see anyone.
- A Feeling “from God” Promising You a Future with that Person Is Unlikely Accurate
I’ve heard lots of stories where someone feels like God whispered in their ear right when they first met someone, “This is your spouse.” I’m not saying I believe God couldn’t do that. But when months go by and nothing has happened between the two of you, you should assume you misheard God or maybe even just heard what you wanted.
I’m not saying you did that intentionally, but it’s easy to fill in the for God’s voice when you want something so bad. When God speaks personally to us, it will be confirmed by reality. If he said you two will be together, you will be together. If you are not together and it doesn’t seem like anything is happening, let it go. God is speaking through the circumstances and it is not meant to be. Again, if it’s meant to be God will make it happen. Keep moving. You don’t want to get stuck because you heard something in your head one time.
- Randomly Running into Someone Isn’t Always a Sign from God
I’ve had “random” run-ins with people that I know were ordained by God. The timing and the results afterwards were just too perfect not to be him. But just because you randomly see someone out somewhere when you were not planning on it is not a sign you are meant to be together. Sometimes things really just are a coincidence.
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