Ephesians 4:29
How should a Christian guy ask a girl out? Should he talk to her father? Should he talk to her mother? Does a Christian guy need to talk to the pastor before asking a girl out? Should a Christian guy ask a girl out only when he is prepared to tell her he wants to marry her? Or should a Christian guy take a more relaxed approach and just have some fun and just see where things lead or don’t lead?
In this article I will give Christian guys 4 tips on how they can approach this question about asking a girl out.
1.Decide What You Mean By “Ask a Girl Out?”
Before I can really give Christian dating advice to guys, we have to define the terms and viewpoints we are working with. In Christian communities, there are basically two different camps when it comes to premarriage romance. There are those who believe in Christian courting and those who believe in Christian dating. I unpack the differences and similarities between these two approaches in What’s the Difference Between Christian Dating and Courting? so I won’t do that again here.
However, when it comes to “asking a girl out” your approach will be shaped by your views on dating and courting. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong answer, but there are pros and cons to each. For our purposes, it’s important to know that in a courting model, “ask a girl out” means you are becoming boyfriend and girlfriend and are very serious about gauging marriage possibilities. In a Christian dating approach, “ask a girl out” could mean multiple things. It could mean ask her out on a single date without becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Or it could mean that he is asking her if she wants to become a couple.
2. The Relationship Before Asking a Girl Out Should Dictate How a Christian Guy Asks a Girl Out
I’m not one to pick a strict Christian courting or dating model. I see helpful principles in both. I like the marriage intent of courting but I like the more relaxed beginnings of Christian dating. So rather than tell all Christian guys to ask all Christian girls out in the same way, I think it is a wiser approach to adjust your strategy based upon the relationship that already exists.
If a guy has a good friendship with a girl, then I think he she should start the relationship off with a more intentional conversation. He probably shouldn’t just ask her out on a date since this would compromise the friendship if it doesn’t work out. Rather, he should probably ask her if she wants to be in a committed relationship together. (For more on this, see the article, Christian Dating Advice: Should You Date Your Friend?).
If a Christian guy does not already have a meaningful friendship with the girl he wants to ask out, then I think he should lean more on the side of “go on a date” rather than having an intense talk about commitment and moving towards marriage. If a Christian guy likes a girl but does not know her that well, then there is less to risk and they should start their dating relationship much slower and with less pressure. Going on a few dates without becoming an official couple is probably the better rout. If the dates go well then the guy should have a more intentional conversation about becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. (For more on this, see the article, Christian Dating and the DTR Talk.)
3. What Means (Texting, Phone Call, Social Media, In Person) Should a Christian Guy Use to Ask a Girl Out?
In the big scheme of things, most times it doesn’t really matter how a Christian guy actually asks the girl out. The delivery is less important than the intent. A Christian girl will be more concerned with a guy’s character than she is with his communication style. However, in some cases I do think a guy can really sabotage himself if he uses the wrong means of communicating when asking her out.
In principle, I think the guy should use the most respectful and mature means of communication possible, which is a face to face conversation. If a face to face is not possible, I think a phone call is the next best thing. My wife and I were living in different states when I asked her out, so I asked her out over the phone. We had been close friends already so we entered into a serious relationship right from the start. If you want to enter into a serious relationship, I think in person or over the phone are your best options for asking a girl out.
If you don’t know a girl that well but you would like to ask her out on a date, doing it in person or over the phone is probably still your best option. When you ask, I would recommend not being overly serious and heavy about it. Keep it light since your relationship is light. Don’t get serious and super committal with a girl you don’t even know that well. This is a classic way that Christian guys scare girls away. Again, if you don’t know her well, I would recommend the dating rout more than the courting rout. Otherwise just becoming friends first and then having a more serious courting conversation would make more sense.
When it comes to asking a girl on a date, I don’t think texting is the worst option. You have to know the girl. Some women might not like this approach but sending a text is helpful if you are trying to not put too much pressure on her. If you want her to feel like this is a low commitment offer then texting might even be the best option. This will give her time to process it rather than catching her off guard in person. If you want to start a serious, official dating relationship, don’t use text.
The medium I do not recommend in any circumstance is social media. Asking a girl out on social media seems way too immature. While you don’t want to put too much pressure on a girl you don’t know that well, you also don’t want to take things so lightly that you seem kind of flakey.
4. Should a Christian Guy Talk to a Girl’s Father, Mother, or Pastor Before Asking Her Out? After He Asks Her Out? Or Not at All?
Within the church there are many strong opinions on this question. When the Christian courting model was very popular, most Christians believed a guy should talk to a girl’s father before even asking her out. If you have a very modern dating view, asking a girl’s father can almost seem disrespectful to the girl rather than respectful.
My advice is that a Christian guy should know his audience. Being respectful is less about what you think is respectful and more about what the person you are trying to respect believes is respectful. In other words, if a girl believes a guy should talk to her father first, then you should do that. If a girl believes it is her choice to make or doesn’t have a great relationship with her father, then it would actually be disrespectful to try this.
My belief is that if you are taking the “ask a girl on a date” approach, you shouldn’t contact anyone but her. If you are taking the approach of asking a girl to be in an official relationship with you, I believe the best approach in most cases now days is to ask the girl first but to then go out of your way to introduce yourself to her parents. Rather than asking for permission like the courting model requires, I think in most cases it is better to show respect to her parents and to her by introducing yourself to them. I also believe that a Christian guy should place just as much emphasis on her mother as he does her father.
A few exceptions to my advice is that if the girl comes from a very conservative, complementarian, and courting background, you should do what she finds the most respectful. If a girl is still in high school and living under her parent’s roof, then it might be appropriate to talk to the girl’s parents first to “get their permission” so to speak. I think the guy should talk to the girl first to see if she’s interested, but before making anything official I think it is wise to talk to the parents when the couple is young and still dependent upon the parents.
For most Christian adults, however, I believe talking to the girl first and then making an effort to introduce yourself to her family is a respectful approach. If a girl does not have Christian parents involved in her life but she has a good relationship with her pastor, a women mentor, or an older Christian couple who are mentoring her, the above should be applied to them. If the girl does not have anything like this in her life, a guy should not force this by trying to talk to her pastor if she doesn’t have that type of relationship with him. That feels legalistic and unnatural.
How Should a Christian Guy Ask a Girl Out?
In summary, I don’t believe there should be absolutes when the Bible does not provide those for us. The information in this article was mostly just my opinion on how to approach this subject in a wise way that is honoring to the Lord and those involved.
My main piece of advice is to do what is most respectful to the girl that you like. Show her that you are a thoughtful, Christian man ready to pursue her. Whatever seems like the most respectful and mature way to ask a Christian girl out to you, do that.