How can you stop wondering what your ex is doing? It can be deeply frustrating when you can’t stop wondering what your ex is doing.
Perhaps you were doing great, but when you heard your ex was in a new relationship, all of a sudden, a flood of emotions for this person came rushing back. Or maybe as soon as things ended with this person, you instantly had all kinds of regrets and now you can’t help but think things could have been different if you acted better. Or maybe you really want to stop thinking about this person because you know they are not good for you, but for some nagging reasons you just can’t get them out of your mind.
Constantly wondering what your ex is doing can be a big problem. It can prevent you from moving on, from healing, and from meeting someone new.
So here are 4 possible reasons for why you can’t stop wondering what your ex is doing and how to solve these problems so you can regain control of your mind and life.
1. You Keep Making Occasional Contact with Your Ex Because You Fear They Will Forget You Over Time
Is it possible that God brings your ex back into your life so you two can have a better relationship together one day? Of course! God can do anything. And he has done this type of thing before. But this is not the norm. And if God does cause you and your ex to get back together one day, usually this only happens after you two have gone through a major season of transformation so your relationship will actually be different.
For these reasons, “no contact” is almost always the right path forward when you break up. If know God never wants you to be with this person again, no contact is the right path because this will help you move on faster. And if you are unsure if God wants you and this person back together one day, no contact is often still the best choice because you need time apart for God to transform you so the relationship can actually be different if you do get back together.
One reason people struggle with practicing no contact with their ex is because they are afraid the extended time a part will cause their ex to forget them and move on. And so, in fear of losing this person forever, you may be occasionally checking in with this person and playing the friend card.
If you really want to stop wondering what your ex is doing, you have to stop these weekly, monthly, or even yearly “checking in” moments. The longer you go “no contact” with this person, the easier it will be to stop thinking about them.
Do what Paul said in Philippians 3:14, “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Press forward with the Lord and stop looking back; this will help you stop wondering what your ex is doing.
2. The Pain You Feel When You Remember Them Is Your Only Connection Left, So You Keep Wanting to Feel This Pain Because You Are Not Ready to Let Them Go
Grieving is an important part of the healing process. But it’s only the first step. Many times we get stuck on this step because we know if we leave the grieving stage we will lose our connection with this person in our past. For example:
- Perhaps God gave you a strong sense that you needed to fast from dating after your last breakup. This can be really good. But a fast is meant to be a clearly defined amount of time where you give something up so you can more intensely focus on something the Lord is leading you to focus on. Eventually the fast needs to end.
- Perhaps you have a shoe box full of little memories that you were saving while you were dating this person: the stubs to the movie tickets for your first date, a little love note this person wrote to you, some polaroid pictures of days long past. But now, every time you look at these items, your heart aches.
- Perhaps your social media accounts send you those little memory reminders, “This is what you posted last year on this date” and they are always involving you and your ex.
Whatever strings are connecting you to the past, you have to cut them. It’s hard to do because this feels like the last connection you have to this person, but if you know you need to stop wondering what your ex is doing, severing these ties is absolutely necessary. Stop the dating fast, throw out the shoebox of memories, and delete all the old social media reminders.
When we cling to the past, we are missing the new things God has for us in the future. As Isaiah 43:18-19 states, “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
3. You Are Subconsciously Still Trying to Honor the Commitment You Made That Is No Longer Valid
It can be very difficult to be move on when you were pretending to be married when you were only dating. For example:
- If you were having sexual experiences together, you were pretending to be married.
- If you were sharing your deepest fears and not guarding your heart at all towards this person, you were pretending to be married.
- If you were planning your distant future together, you were pretending to be married.
- If your families became deeply connected, you were pretending to be married.
Jesus said in Mark 10:9, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” God joins a husband and wife in marriage. Dating is not marriage. But if you feel like you were married, you may subconsciously still be trying to honor the marriage vows that were never given.
One way you can stop these feelings is by confessing the sins that happened in dating when you were pretending to be married even though you were not. By confessing, repenting, and moving forward in your new life with Jesus, you can then stop honoring your past commitment to this person and move on in freedom with the Lord.
4.You’ve Believed the Lie that There Is No One Else for You
It’s so easy to be a prisoner to the moment. The present is always what feels the most real. When you feel like you lost the only romantic connection you will ever have with someone, your mind will be unable to stop thinking about this person.
This is especially common when your ex was your first serious relationship. With maturity, however, you can see that though this was your first romantic experience, it does not need to be your last or even your most significant. God often allows us to go through certain relationship experiences to learn lessons, find deeper healing, or come to our senses after a season of rebellion.
God has not run out of godly options for his people. Break agreements with the lie that your ex was the only person you could ever marry one day. Believe in the power of God. He is far more powerful than we can even imagine. As Ephesians 3:20-21 teaches us:
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”
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