Here are 5 common reasons some people get married and end up having unenjoyable sexual experiences together.
1. A Lack of Communication About Sex in Marriage Can Create Issues
Perhaps the most shocking thing about marriage is how little the husband and wife actually understand about the other person. As humans who are not all-knowing like God, we are prone to assume people think and feel like we think and feel. Oftentimes this is a wrong assumption. This is true when it comes to sex in marriage as well.
Perhaps the wife is experiencing pain when the husband is enjoying pleasure. Perhaps the husband is feeling unloved while the wife is feeling very loved. Perhaps the wife is fine with sex a few times a month while the husband would like sex a few times a week. If they never verbalize these desires, the other person won’t know (Ephesians 4:15).
Talking about sex can be awkward, even when it’s with your spouse. Sex will always be a vulnerable area. But the Lord made it this way on purpose. It’s supposed to be an area in life where a husband and wife can be vulnerable with each other so they stay close (Hebrews 13:4).
If you’re single and you want a healthy sex-life in marriage, make sure you marry someone who is willing to talk about issues when they arise (Ephesians 4:31-32).
2. If There Is an Imbalance in One or Both of the Spouses Regarding the Emotional and Physical Parts of Sex, Terrible Sex Might Occur
What’s the point of sex? Why did God make it? Certainly procreation is a part of the answer (Genesis 1:28). Another reason God made sex was so that a husband and wife could have a physical way to express their love. Love is more than a feeling, but it is a feeling too. Thus, when a husband and wife are having sex, there are feelings and physical acts occurring.
Things go wrong when there is an imbalance here. If one of the partners is only focusing on the feelings, the other one might not feel loved through the physical experiences that could be happening. If one of the partners is only focusing on the physical side, the other might feel unloved because of the lack of emotional intimacy occurring.
Healthy sex requires both physical and emotional expressions of love (Proverbs 5:18-19).
3. When They’ve Trained Themselves Before Marriage to Only Be Aroused By Sinful Sexual Experiences, Sex in Marriage Will Be Unhealthy
The devil always wants the opposite of what God wants. God wants a couple to abstain from sex before marriage and to engage in regular sex within marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-9). Thus, when you are dating your future spouse, the devil will tempt you to have sex together. Once you are married to that person, the devil will tempt you to stop having sex together.
One reason God wants you to wait to have sex until marriage is because you will be training yourself to be aroused by sin if you don’t. Sin excites the flesh in the moment. Later it results in a lot of shame and long-term guilt. If you give into sexual sin before marriage, your flesh will be unsatisfied within marriage.
This is why people should never think that marriage will solve a sexual sin issue. Yes, it can help and when you are married you should be having sex to help you not fall into sexual temptation (1 Corinthians 7:5-9). But if you give into the fleshly, sinful desires before marriage, you will not have gained the sanctification you need to control your flesh in marriage (Romans 6:19).
Sex with your spouse will no longer be sinful as it was before marriage. Thus, your sin nature won’t be excited by this. You will crave new sinful experiences, perhaps leading you into an affair, porn use, or a loss of interest of sex with your spouse.
4. Selfishness Causes Sexual Issues in Marriage
Again, sex is supposed to be an expression of love. What is love? Love is sacrificing yourself for the benefit of another (John 15:13). Selfishness has no place in real love. Thus, selfishness should have no place in the sexual experiences between a husband and wife.
Now don’t get me wrong, both the husband and wife should feel free to enjoy the other person’s body (1 Corinthians 7:3-4). But there is a way to enjoy the other person because you love them compared to trying to enjoy the other person because you just love yourself and you’re using them.
The spouses will feel the heart behind the other persons actions in sex. When the heart is right, the sex will be right too (Luke 6:45).
5. Relationship Issues Negatively Affect Sexual Enjoyment Between a Husband and Wife
Great sex will not be the cause of a great relationship in marriage. A great relationship in marriage is the cause of great sex.
Sure, when people are young and very attracted to each other, they can have a physical experience that they enjoy even when their relationship is not healthy. But in marriage, over the long haul, it is impossible to have enjoyable sex year after year if your relationship is not healthy.
When there is conflict in the union, there will be conflict in the bedroom. When there is peace and love in the union, there will be peace and love in the bedroom too.
As Genesis 1:28 states, “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply . . .” When your relationship is blessed because you are following the Lord, the sex between you two will be blessed as well.
