1 Peter 3:1-6
Here are 4 ways a Christian introverted woman can increase the chances of a man pursuing her.
1. Develop the Extroverted Skills You Need to Have Through Forcing Yourself to Practice
Being introverted doesn’t necessarily mean you are shy, awkward, or not good at communicating. The true difference between extroverts and introverts is where they find their energy.
If you are an introvert, being in large groups, talking a lot, and connecting with lots of people drains your energy. You still may enjoy these things and be very good at them, but they make you tired. Your energy is restored through being home, spending time by yourself, or being around just a few people who you are very comfortable with.
With that said, because we tend to do what we enjoy and avoid what we dislike, it’s also fair to say that many introverts do lack some social skills that come more naturally to extroverts. Like anything else in life, social skills take practice to develop. “If you don’t use it, you lose it.” This can be especially challenging if you are a Christian single woman who is introverted and you are struggling to find ways to connect with a godly man. Your lack of practice keeps your skills low, your low skills keeps you away, thus decreasing your skills even more, and so on.
Therefore, one way to increase your ability to connect with a man is to start developing your social skills through connecting with people in general. There’s no way around it – relationships require interacting with other people, and interacting with people well requires social skills. This can be draining for introverts. But it doesn’t matter. You have to do it. You will need to carve out time to be alone and recharge, but if you want to be in a relationship you have to pay the social cost and use your energy to gain social skills.
You have to force yourself to do things you know will drain you: like going out to social gatherings, spending time with your current friends who will introduce you to new friends, and small talking with people to see if there is potential for a deeper connection. If you do these things with other women and even with men you are not romantically interested in, this will help you develop these same skills you will need to connect with a man one day.
Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) states, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” If you avoid other people, this will dull your social skills needed for a romantic relationship.
2. Don’t Hide Behind the Label of Being Introverted and Don’t Blame All the “Passive Men” Out There
Christian women have been trained, “It’s the man’s job to pursue.” I believe this is a true statement. But I disagree with any notion that a man’s job of pursuing negates the woman’s job to also participate actively in what she wants to happen in her own life. Many women hide behind this idea that men are to pursue because in truth, the women are terrified of doing anything for themselves when it comes to starting a relationship.
It’s common and acceptable for us Christians to bash all the “passive men.” But can’t women be passive too? Or God only calls men to take personal responsibility for their own lives? Yes, there are passive men out there, but there are also women hiding behind this idea of passive men being the reason they are still single as a woman.
Christian women, especially introverted women, also say, “I’m just waiting for God to bring a the right man into my life.” I agree with this statement too. But again, this cannot mean you do nothing but wait on God as that is inconsistent with all the Bible verses about taking steps of faith (Psalm 37:3).
Additionally, if you are doing nothing but waiting for God to bring a man who will pursue you, in a way, you are putting all of your hopes for a relationship on the decisions of men you don’t even know. If you expect men to hear from God and act and pursue you, but you don’t expect God to tell you to do anything but wait on the man, again, you are giving away the responsibility for managing your own life.
Yes, God is the one who has the final say in all things (Proverbs 16:9), but he has given each of us a life to manage and steward. You don’t want to end up like the wicked servant who took his one talent and buried it in the ground. Because he did nothing with the resources, his master cursed him (Matthew 25:30). But the master blessed the two servants who took his resources and invested with them (Matthew 25:29).
Do you see the point? Christian men and Christian women both are going to be judged by God for managing the life God has given them to manage. Don’t squander your life and be a bad steward by thinking only men are the relationship investors.
Yes, a man should pursue, but you are not a victim at the mercy of Christian men. You are the most important person in determining if a man ever pursues you or not. By doing nothing but waiting for a man to magically appear and pursue you one day, you are living in a fairy-tale that is never going to happen.
3. Stop Waiting to Be Chosen and Choose the Man You Want to Pursue You
Instead of waiting to be chosen, you should take the mindset of choosing the man you want. Of course he will need to “choose” you too and respond to your actions through pursuing you, but it’s not sinful or unbiblical for you to do things that increase the likelihood of him wanting to pursue you and acting on those desires.
Remember, Boaz only tried to marry Ruth once she laid at his feet and sent him a clear signal she was interested (Ruth 3).
4. Choose the Man By Being “Loving” Towards Him
But how can you “choose a man” as an introverted woman? Perhaps it’s just too scary for you interact with a man and let him know that you like him through subtle cues and conversations like the extroverted women seem to be able to do so easily. So what can you do?
In a biblical sense, to choose someone is to love this person. In Romans 9, the famous passage about God’s election, verse 13 states, “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.” This doesn’t mean God literally hated Esau. Rather, it means God chose Jacob. In Luke 14:26, Jesus said, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” Again, this doesn’t mean Jesus wants us to literally hate these people. Rather, Jesus is calling us to “choose” him over these people.
So biblically speaking, to choose someone means you love them. We can take this principle and apply it to you choosing a man. I don’t mean you choose to love him like you will love your future husband one day. But you can show him that you like him, have affection for him, and want to be with him by being “loving” towards him. And this does not require you to be extroverted. This simply requires you to be a woman who has love to give.
How do you love the people in your life right now, like your parents, siblings, and friends? Do that towards this man. Everyone is different, so I can’t tell you how to express yourself. But use your love language to express your concern and desire for this man’s good. If he senses that you care for him, this increases the likelihood of him caring for you too.
Be yourself and do the things you like to do for the people you care about. Do you get people thoughtful books? Do you give compliments? Do you spend quality time with people you care about? Try to do these things towards the man you want to pursue you.
He may not respond positively. That’s okay. Move on and rest in the peace of knowing you did what you could. But more often than not, if you are attractive to him and you are showing him that you like him, he will almost always pursue you.
He may think he’s choosing you, but really you can be the one who chose him.
