Here are 4 biblical steps to take before you start dating someone if you’ve been divorced in the past.
1. Settle the Biblical Debate of “Divorce and Remarriage” in Your Heart Before You Start Dating
Over the years, I’ve received numerous emails that start something like, “I’ve met someone that I really love, but I’m unsure if I’m allowed to get remarried?” It’s a lot more difficult to figure out what the Bible is really saying about your specific remarriage possibilities when you’ve already gotten emotionally attached to someone.
This is true because you are going to have to make an honest judgment call in your own heart on this topic. You see, the topic of divorce and remarriage is not as straightforward as many people make it out to be. Depending on which passage you are emphasizing, you could come away with two, maybe three, views.
- View 1: If you get divorced, you are not biblically free to remarry. Even if you were divorced for biblical reasons (adultery, unbelieving spouse leaving), it would still be an act of adultery in God’s eyes if you were to remarry.
- View 2: If you get divorced for an unbiblical reason, then it would be unbiblical to remarry. However, if you were divorced for a biblical reason, you are then also biblically free to remarry.
- View 3: If you get divorced, you are free to remarry regardless of why the divorce took place.
As you can see, the spectrum is wide here. If you want to know my views, I personally believe View 2 is the most biblical. I won’t reteach why I believe this, since it is a complex subject and I’ve already done so in my other article, What Does the Bible Say About Divorce and Remarriage? I encourage you to read that for a more in-depth study.
My main point for you today is that you must decide what you truly believe is the most biblical answer for yourself. When it comes to debatable topics, Romans 14:12 and 23 states, “So then each of us will give an account of himself to God . . . But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.”
I believe dating should only occur when someone is looking for a spouse. Thus, if you’ve been divorced, you must settle the debate of divorce and remarriage in your heart before you start dating. If you wait until you get emotionally attached to someone, you risk being tempted to deny your conscience and choose a path you believe is unbiblical.
Besides that, if you are biblically free to remarry, you don’t want to feel unnecessary guilt about dating.
2. Forgive Your Ex Before You Start Dating
There are a lot of steps that could be needed before you are healed enough to start dating, but one of the most important things you must do is fully forgive your ex-husband or ex-wife. Without radically forgiving them of all the wrongs they did when you were married and even after you were divorced, your heart will not be free to love again.
Even though they don’t deserve it, obey the Scriptures and forgive your ex (Ephesians 4:32). In the process, you are actually freeing your own heart to love again.
And here’s a test to know if you have truly forgiven your ex: Do you want the best for them now? Do you want them to repent of their sinful ways, to find Christ, and to even remarry if that’s God’s will?
If you can genuinely want the best for someone who has deeply wronged you in the past, that is a very strong sign you have truly forgiven them and that you are ready for remarriage.
3. Before You Start Dating After Divorce, Avoid Making a List of Dating Requirements that Project the Wounds in Your Past
If you’ve been divorced in the past, that means you’ve experienced relationship trauma. Something very bad happened to you. Divorce was never a part of God’s original design for humans (Matthew 19:6). Thus, it is always extremely painful when it happens.
Whenever we go through any kind of trauma, our minds and hearts will naturally come up with ways to avoid ever experiencing that pain again. When it comes to divorce, this means you may create a list of requirements for the people you date that are actually just a list of ways you’ve been hurt in the past. While we certainly should learn from our past, we can’t be overly fearful about repeating it. This causes us to project wounds onto others who haven’t wounded us.
For example, maybe your ex-husband withheld verbal love. Therefore, you now have it on your list that a man must be talkative and expressive. When you meet a guy, you may even tell him how silent and cold your ex-husband was. While it’s okay for you to want a guy who knows how to verbally express his love, when you create a list of requirements that are basically the opposite of your ex’s characteristics, it shows everyone else that you are still dealing with the effects of your divorce. A new man is not going to want to pay for the sins of your ex-husband. A new man will need to express his feelings for you, but no man wants to be constantly compared to someone else.
Or maybe your ex-wife put her career before marriage. And now you are committed to marrying a new woman who doesn’t want to work at all. While it’s okay if you want to marry a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mom and wife, no woman wants to feel like you are judging her ability to love well while also having a career. A godly woman can have a career and put her family first. And if she senses her career is getting in the way, she will gladly sacrifice that for her family. But when you lead with that requirement, it shows this new woman you are still tormented by your ex-wife.
Galatians 6:5 (NLT), “For we are each responsible for our own conduct.”
All that to say, make sure your list of requirements for someone new is not really a list of the ways you’ve been hurt in the past. Judge each person by their own words and actions. Projecting always ruins relationships.
4. Before You Start Dating After Divorce, Be Hopeful
The most attractive thing about someone is their attitude. The way we make each other feel determines how much we enjoy each other’s company. Therefore, if you want to find love again, you have to make sure your internal energy is attractive. In other words, a depressed, pessimistic, unhopeful person is not going to get many dates.
But when you’re healed, ready to love, and hopeful for good things in the future from the Lord, this is very attractive. Remember, we serve the God who has said in Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT):
But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”
Here’s a related article called What Does the Bible Say About Divorce and Remarriage?
