5 Marks of a Good Man Who Is Still Too Spiritually Immature for a Relationship

Can a man be “a really good guy” while also still being too spiritually immature for a relationship? I get this type of question a lot from Christian single women.

If you’re a Christian single woman, can you relate to this situation? You meet a man who has a good job, he’s kind, respectful, and seems romantically interested in you. There’s just one problem. Something is off spiritually.

While it might be tempting to give him a chance, this is always the wrong choice if he is simply too spiritually immature to date. You can give him a chance to mature in other areas of his life, but never settle for a man who is not mature enough spiritually.

While most Christian women would agree with what I just said, the fact is, it can be hard to know if a man truly is too spiritually immature to date. What will that look? How will you know if he’s mature enough in the Lord?

Here are 5 signs he is actually a good man but he’s also too spiritually immature for a relationship.

If He Is Doing Good Things Because He’s Living Under Common Grace But Not Saving Grace, He Is Too Spiritually Immature for a Relationship

In one way, no one is actually “a good person.” In Mark 10:18 Jesus said, “No one is good except God alone.” So when I’m using the phrase “a good guy,” I’m not saying he is spiritually pure without Christ. Without Jesus saving us and the Holy Spirit entering into us, Scripture is very clear we cannot please the Father, “Those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (Romans 8:8).

However, within Scripture, we can also see that God’s common grace does work on unbelievers so that they can still do morally good things (Matthew 7:11, James 1:17). Through common grace, a man who doesn’t know Jesus can still go to work every day, provide for his family, love his children, help people in useful ways, and do many other “good things.”

But, as we know, doing good cannot save us (Ephesians 2:8-10). God is perfect. Scripture states that if we break one command in Scripture, it is just like breaking every command in Scripture (James 2:10). This is why God’s common grace is not all that a man needs to be a godly husband. We all also need God’s saving grace.

Saving grace is the gift of salvation received through faith in Jesus. Only when a man has become a Christian through the gospel does he have the Holy Spirit and the desire to not just do good, but to love God with all of his heart.

If He Just Recently Became a Christian and Hasn’t Matured Enough to Leave Worldly Dating Practices Behind, He’s Too Spiritually Immature for a Relationship

When we become a Christian through faith and by grace, we are instantly given the full perfections of Jesus (Ephesians 1:3). We are justified, declared innocent because God imputes Jesus’s righteousness onto us (Romans 5:9). However, while we have everything we need in Christ, we have not yet learned to fully walk in the gifts we have been given. This process of maturing in the Lord is called sanctification (Hebrews 10:14, Romans 6:22, Philippians 2:12-13).

Thus, it’s possible for a man to come out of the darkness and into the light through the mercy of God (Ephesians 2:4-5) while still needing time to be “sanctified” from his worldly dating practices. Even if he wants to resist sexual temptation and date in an honorable way, he will need time to develop the strength and wisdom to do so (James 1:4).

If He’s Been a Christian a Long-Time but He Still Wants to Act Like a Teenage Boy Towards Women, He’s Too Spiritually Immature for a Relationship

There’s no absolute timeline on how long a man needs to be a Christian before you are free to date him. Rather, it’s really about his spiritual maturity, not his spiritual age. Many guys have been Christians for a longtime but they have never matured when it comes to interacting with women. Likewise, some guys are newer Christians but they are taking their faith very seriously.

A guy may have a good job, he may serve at church, and he may be bearing a lot of good fruit in other parts of his life; and yet, it’s possible he still has silly beliefs about women that were formed in his youth. Or perhaps he thinks two grown adults need to be friends for years before dating. Or perhaps he feels he needs to act like he doesn’t like a woman as a way of making her like him more. Or perhaps he just comes on way too strong because he still hasn’t figured out the difference between infatuation and true love.

Whatever is, if he’s acting more like a boy rather than a man when it comes to relationships, he’s not spiritually mature enough to be in a relationship with you. A man does not need to be a relationship expert. Rather, he just needs to be practicing 1 Corinthians 16:13-14, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”

If He Doesn’t Have a Valid Reason for Why He’s Not Involved in a Local Church, He’s Too Spiritually Immature for a Relationship

Life is messy. There have certainly been times in my own life where I had to find a new church and it took time to find the right fit. Sometimes you have to move and it takes time to find a new church family. Church splits happen and wounds occur; it can take time for the hurts to heal and to recommit to a new church.

However, in the vast majority of cases, the real reason people are not involved in a local church is because they are not taking the Scriptures seriously (1 Timothy 3:13-14).

It’s common to say, “I do church by myself,” or “my friends are my church,” or “I love Jesus but I’m sick of his people.” These are not biblical statements. A church is comprised of elders and congregants that keep each other accountable, you practice the sacraments together, you use your gifts to serve each other, and you gather on the Lord’s Day to hear the preaching of God’s word. You can’t do this by yourself.

Like I said, there are times where it makes sense of why someone may not be a member of a local church. But if a man is simply making up lame excuses for why he is not obeying the Bible’s command to be involved in a church, this is a sign he’s not spiritually mature enough to be in a relationship. Church is a basic means of grace all Christians need. If he’s not doing this, it means other major issues will be present in his life as well.

Hebrews 10:24-25, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

If You Would Have to Lead Him Spiritually, He’s Too Spiritually Immature for a Relationship

A man does not need to be more spiritually mature than you to be your husband. But he does need to be able to lead you if he wants to be your husband (Ephesians 5:23-25).

The man is not called to be the leader because he’s always better educated or more spiritually gifted. Rather, he’s called to be the leader because masculinity leads and femininity follows. The relationship dynamic will be corrupted if a wife can’t submit and if the husband can’t lead. It’s about love and respect (Ephesians 5:33).

Like the body was designed by God to need food and water, so too a relationship was designed by God to need male leadership and female submission. These are choices, not just feelings. Men and women need these things from each other because that’s how God made us to interact. Like a dehydrated and starving body lacking what it was designed to need, we hurt inside when male leadership and female respect aren’t present in a relationship.

So the wife can be a better Bible teacher, she can pray more, and she can have more spiritual education. What the man really needs is a willingness and strength of character to lead his wife and children in the Lord.

The way this is primarily done is through initiation. He must initiate prayer times, Bible study times, and church attendance. He needs to be leading by making sure everyone is getting what they need spiritually. Even if the wife has more to say or offer during these times of spiritual nourishment, he must lead through his willingness and motivation to put Christ first in his home.

If he can’t do this, he’s not spiritually mature enough to be in a relationship.

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