In a recent video and article called 5 Biblical Rules to Emotionally Detach from Someone, I asked viewers if they wanted me to also talk about how to when God is leading you to emotionally detach. Many said they did want this content, so here 5 signs God is leading you to emotionally detach from someone.
Again, in the previous article mentioned above, I gave tips on “how” to detach. In this article, I’m just focusing the “when.”
1. If Sin Is Occurring Without Any Repentance, This Is a Sign God Wants You to Emotionally Detach from This Person
It would be unrealistic for us to think that God wants us to emotionally detach from everyone that we have sinned with. This would eventually lead us to always being alone since all of us are sinful (Romans 3:23) and thus we eventually end up committing sins together.
Thus, the real difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship is the level of sin that is occurring and what happens after the sins occur. Repentance is when we turn away from the evil and back towards God. When two Christians have a healthy relationship, they are going to sin but then turn back to God quickly and seek to not sin in that way again.
This is why it’s a bad sign when the sin has reached a severe level. No sin is acceptable, and all sin deserves death (Romans 6:23); but there are sins that have worse consequences than others. Usually two people don’t jump from zero to 100 on the sin scale. Rather, when the “smaller” sins go unrepented of, this leads to more sin (Romans 6:19).
So if two people are shooting heroin together, this relationship needs to end because they have obviously been on a bad road together for a long time. Or if you two are having sex over and over again, this means you need to detach because clearly things have gone too far.
However, if sin occurs and you both feel the Lord’s loving discipline and you want to repent and you start making real changes, that is a good sign. As Paul states in 2 Corinthians 7:9-10, which reads:
As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.”
2. If Your Emotional Investment Is Not Yielding Good Fruit, This Is Often a Sign God Wants You to Emotionally Detach from This Person
Should you keep waiting for that person to start liking you? Should you keep investing deeply into this friendship even though you really like this person as more than a friend? Should you keep hoping for something that doesn’t seem likely to occur?
There is a time to pray and hope for a relationship that you really want (Matthew 7:7). But eventually, there does come a time to emotionally detach from this person. One way you will know it’s time to move on is when the level of investment you are giving is way more than the level of fruit you are reaping (Matthew 25:21, 26-27).
If you are consumed with thoughts of this person but this person doesn’t seem to think about you at all, God is probably telling you to emotionally detach so you can guard your own heart (Proverbs 4:23).
3. If Correction Has Taken Place But No Change Has Occurred, This Is a Sign God Wants You to Emotionally Detach from This Person
If your boyfriend says something really cruel to you, is that an automatic sign he is a terrible person? Maybe. It depends on what he said. It depends on how he reacts after he sees how hurt you are.
If your girlfriend called an old guy friend, does that mean she is going to cheat on you if you stay with her? Possibly. It probably depends on how she receives your words and displeasure with her actions. If she blows you off and doesn’t see the harm in having lots of guy friends still, that’s a bad sign.
Throughout the Bible, God encourages reconciliation when possible (Romans 12:18). However, sometimes it’s just not possible. So how will you know if you should give some another chance or emotionally detach?
The details matter here. Sometimes a single act of betrayal is enough to ruin the relationship forever. However, in many cases, the most important variable to know if reconciliation is possible will be their response to your correction. If they are defensive and shift the blame anywhere but on themselves, just move on. There’s no hope. But if they receive your correction humbly and want to grow so they don’t hurt you again in that way, that is a good sign.
Matthew 18:15-35 is a powerful passage of Scripture that can help you know when to reconcile or not.
4. If This Person Is Not Seeking the Lord from a Pure Heart, You Should Emotionally Detach from Them
There’s always going to be a tension for Christians when it comes to loving unsaved people. On one hand, Jesus commands us to reach out to them with the gospel so they can be saved too (Matthew 28:19-20). On the other hand, Jesus tells us to be careful because the world is full of wolves who want to destroy us and pull us away from God (Matthew 10:16). On one hand God loves the world (John 3:16) but on the hand he tells us to not be friends with the world (James 4:4).
The way I have come to navigate this tension is to realize there is a difference between loving someone and being friends with them. We are to love all people, but we are not to form close friendships with people who don’t love God. I think what defines a friendship is when you are giving and taking. You can serve anyone and give to them. But when you are friends with someone, you are also receiving what they offer and depending on them. You can see why this would be a bad idea if you are a Christian and you are receiving what worldly people are offering (1 Corinthians 15:33).
2 Timothy 2:22 states, “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”
5. If Your Relationship with God Worsens the Closer You Get to This Person, God Is Calling You to Emotionally Detach
The best way to know if you need to emotionally detach from someone is to see what type of effect this person is having on your walk with God. Always put God first. If anyone is hindering you from connecting with him, it’s time to detach from that person.
As Hebrews 12:1 (NIV) explains, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.”
If you want to know how to emotionally detach from someone, this article will help: 5 Biblical Rules to Emotionally Detach from Someone.