It’s a different kind of pain when your heart gets attached to someone who never actually existed. There’s a mix of emotions: betrayal, anger, feeling like a fool, disbelief, longing, loneliness, and, worst of all, emptiness.
Perhaps you trusted them, but they were hiding their true character. And when you asked the wrong questions, they verbally attacked you and left. Or maybe they didn’t turn out to be an evil person, just different from what you thought. Maybe you believed they were “the one,” but they ended up just being “another one” that got away.
There is now a void in your life that no one can ever fill because there’s an outline of a person in your past that vanished out of reality. You’re not actually missing someone who is no longer there. You’re actually missing the person you thought they were, but who never was. That’s different.
What is God saying? How is he instructing you to move forward through this storm of emotions, this seesaw that keeps tipping back and forth between forcing yourself to move on and feeling defeated because you just can’t?
Here are 5 things the Lord might be saying to you if you are missing the person you thought they were.
1. When You’re Missing the Person You Thought They Were, God Is Saying, “I’m With You”
Whenever we are in pain, there are two options. First, this pain can become a crash sight. We can put up caution tape, examine the wreckage, and keep everyone away, including God. Or, this pain can become our launching pad. It can be the place where God rebuilds us and sends us upward once again.
This choice isn’t just about what you want. Rather, this choice is made by how much you are inviting God into your pain. You see, God wants to heal us, he wants to transform us, and he wants to set us a new path that is bigger and better than ever before. But first, he needs us to recognize his presence. He requires us to open the door when we hear his knock (Revelation 3:20). As Psalm 34:17-19 promises:
The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.”
Call out to him during this pain. Only his presence can bring the healing you need.
2. When You’re Missing the Person You Thought They Were, God Is Saying, “Grieve”
Romans 12:15, “. . . weep with those who weep.” In the NIV it states, “mourn with those who mourn.” If the word of God tells us to do this for each other, don’t you think God himself is doing this?
When Jesus came to raise Lazarus from the dead, he first took time to share in the sorrow of those who were grieving. That famous verse, “Jesus wept,” (John 11:35) – so short, and yet so profound. It says so much in so few words. He didn’t rush the healing. He took time to comfort the hurting by hurting with them. He knew a resurrection was about to take place, but he validated the tears of those he loved by shedding his own tears with them.
Likewise, when you’re missing the person you thought they were, don’t try to rush your healing. God isn’t in a hurry. He knows the good plan he has for you in the future, but he’s also taking the time to grieve with you in the present.
Grieving is always the first step to a resurrection. In the pain, God is preparing the way for something new to be born.
3. When You’re Missing the Person You Thought They Were, God Is Saying, “Grow”
When the initial wave of emotions hits, God wants you to just weather the storm with him. He’s in the boat with you (Mark 4:38). He wants you to come and ask him to calm the waters (Mark 4:39-40). But then, after the waters have calmed, there needs to be a time of reflection (Mark 4:41).
What happened? How were you deceived? What can you learn? Before God will let you fully move on, he wants you to learn what you need to learn from this hardship. Perhaps you were so lonely that you allowed yourself to lose yourself in this person. Perhaps you needed them so much that you pretended they were the answer that they never were.
Or perhaps you were just too trusting. You always believed the best in people. But then, you ran into a real narcissist, eager to take advantage of your kindness. Perhaps the Lord is teaching you how be more balanced, loving people but also guarding your heart.
The point is, whenever we are going through a hardship, the Lord wants us to see this as an opportunity for growth, too. Hebrews 12:7, 11 (NIV), “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children . . . No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
4. When You’re Missing the Person You Thought They Were, God Is Saying, “Be Patient”
There might come a time on this journey when you start getting frustrated with yourself. You might say, “Why can’t I just get over this!” Or, maybe, you might even start questioning God, “Lord, don’t you see me? I’m really trying here. Why aren’t you letting me heal and move on?”
Resist this. Trust God, no matter how long it takes. Be patient. God is working everything for good when you choose to love him (Romans 8:28). It might just be taking longer than you expected. As 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says:
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
5. When You’re Missing the Person You Thought They Were, God Is Saying, “Let Go”
Eventually, you’ll have grieved enough. The Lord will have taught you everything he wants you to learn from this. Your patience will have blossomed into the peace and healing you needed. And then, you must choose to let this person go – the person they actually are and the person you thought they were.
It’s interesting that when Jesus healed the lame man, John 5:18 (KJV) states, “Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.” In other words, sometimes you can be healed but live as though you are still injured. If the lame man hadn’t obeyed Jesus, he could have just sat there, even though his miracle had already occurred. He received a miracle, but to experience the miracle, he had to choose to get up and walk.
To receive the complete healing God wants to give you, you must trust it. You must put it into action. You must put weight on it. You must start walking.
The time will come when you must let go and move forward with the Lord.
