Ephesians 4:15, 29
How much of your sexual past do you need to tell someone? How detailed should you be about sexual sins you’ve committed? Can you avoid talking about sexual past sins before getting married to someone?
I don’t believe there are clear right or wrong answers to questions like these. I believe each man and woman will need to decide what they should and should not talk about. So rather than giving you strict rules that all people must follow, I want to offer some helpful principles to consider.
Therefore, here are 5 uncomfortable sexual questions a man and woman should answer before getting too serious.
1. Sexual Questions Should Be Asked Before Things Get Too Serious If the Answer to Those Questions Could Be a Marriage Dealbreaker
The first thing I want to highlight is the biblical truth that God’s grace is always sufficient in every possible way (2 Corinthian 12:9). There is no sexual sin that can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). If someone repents of sexual sin and comes to Christ, there is no condemnation for that person because Jesus has paid the price of their sin (Romans 8:1).
Because of this, I don’t believe there is a sexual sin in someone’s past that must be a dealbreaker for you. With that said, I also believe this is a personal issue that each person must follow their conscience on (Romans 14:23). In other words, I don’t think it would be wrong for someone to say that a certain sin or sin pattern in someone’s past could be a dealbreaker for them.
If, for example, you are a virgin and you really only want to marry another virgin, that is your choice to make. I don’t think it is biblically necessary for all virgins to marry other virgins. But if you feel led to only marry a virgin, you are free to make that choice.
My point, here, however, is that you should decide what is a marriage dealbreaker and then find the answer to that question before things get too serious between you and this person.
I don’t think you should ask these types of questions about someone’s sexual past if the relationship is not serious yet. But if you two become a couple and you sense things could lead to marriage in the near future, you need to get those important questions answered sooner rather than later so you don’t needlessly expose your heart to someone you know you won’t marry.
2. Sexual Questions About “When” Should Be Answered Before Things Get Too Serious
Point 1 was really about the “what.” Now let’s talk about the “when.” I think it is wise to focus more on recent sexual sins rather than focusing too much on sins in the distant past.
For example, if someone went through a worldly season in their life where they slept around with many people but they have not repented and turned back to the Lord, that should matter more to you if that seasons was relatively recent rather than years ago.
Again, as I said in point 1, it’s your choice to decide what is a dealbreaker for you. My point here is that someone who was just in a recent season of severe sexual sin has not yet had the time to heal and mature so they can properly thrive in a healthy relationship. If they have repented and confessed to God, they are fully forgiven regardless of when these sexual sins took place (1 John 1:9). So it’s not a matter of being forgiven or cleansed. The issue is maturity.
Maturity and sanctification take time.
3. Questions About a Porn Addiction Should Be Answered Before Things Get Too Serious
Unfortunately, we live in an age where the majority of men (and some women) regularly watch pornography (2 Timothy 3:1-9). Thus, this is a topic that should be discussed because it is highly likely it has been a factor in someone’s past.
If someone has had a porn addiction in their past, this does not need to be a dealbreaker. However, they should have had a healthy amount of time to repent. (You will have to decide what you feel is “a healthy amount of time to repent” based upon the sin and factors in the equation.) They should have a humility about this topic (James 4:6), knowing that they always need to be on guard because they could slip back into this sin-cycle again if they are not on guard (1 Peter 5:8).
If someone is callous and flippant about this topic, acting like it’s not a big deal or simply not giving you straight answers, this is a bad sign. If someone is currently engaging in porn use on a regular basis, I would not get into a serious relationship with them.
If they are being honest, however, about their past struggles and they are currently repenting of this sexual sin, this is a good sign.
4. Questions that Would Ensure You Two Are Generally on the Same Page When It Comes to Sex in Marriage Should Be Discussed Before Things Get Too Serious
You don’t want to talk about sex too much before marriage because it can incite sexual temptation and lead the man and woman down sinful paths. In the end, to be sexually compatible in marriage, the main ingredient is love.
If you two love each other, you will want to put one another before yourselves. This is the key to healthy sex in marriage. If someone is being selfish and inconsiderate, it’s impossible to have a healthy sexual relationship in marriage.
Thus, rather than “going on a test drive” like the sinful world says you should do before marriage, I would say there should be a conversation to ensure you both hold the same general views about sex in marriage. I say “general views” because you should keep things general to avoid sexual temptation. Additionally, you will always need to compromise in marriage. So it’s not essential that you view everything the same.
However, if there is a glaring difference in your views about sex, this probably means you two should not get married and thus you should not date. For example, some people believe sex in marriage should only be about having children together. Other people, myself included, believe that having children is just one reason to have sex; it’s also important to have sex in marriage to express love and enjoy each other as God designed and to prevent sexual temptation outside the marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-9, Proverbs 5:15-20).
5. You Two Should Make Sure You Are Sexually Attracted to Each Other Before Things Get Too Serious
Unfortunately, Christians often have some odd beliefs when it comes to the importance of attraction. Some have been taught that it’s actually preferable to date and marry someone you are not attracted to because then you would know you are with them for the right reasons, such as their inner character.
While inner character and one’s walk with God are much more important than your physical attraction, physical attraction should still be present. If you sense someone is not attracted to you at all or if you are trying to force yourself to be attracted to this person but you are just not, it’s best to get this question answered before things get too serious so you don’t stay together longer than needed.
How attracted do you need to be to someone to marry them? Simply put, you need to be attracted enough to where you want to have sex with this person. If you don’t want to have sex with this person or they wouldn’t want to have sex with you, you are not meeting the biblical standard for marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-9, Song of Solomon, Proverbs 5:18-20).
