There are many ways to connect with someone that are not physical. In fact, you can even connect too deeply with someone in an emotional way that leads to sin. I would call this an emotional promiscuity. But that’s a topic for another day.
However, if you are dating, what about connecting with your boyfriend or girlfriend physically? Some people’s love language is physical touch; and God has wired us to our bodies in a very special way, so how can we engage this part of ourselves as we connect in dating?
In this article, I’m going to give you 5 ways you can connect physically in dating without sinning. I’m going to start general and work my way down to more specifics, so make sure you read to the end.
1. Do Anything Physical Together that Is Not Sexual
When we talk about “connecting physically” in dating, we naturally think about sexual intimacy. Biblically, however, there is no room for any type of sexual intimacy happening before marriage that would be pleasing to God.
So if you clicked on this article to know if you can connect sexually somehow in dating without sinning, sorry, you’re out of luck. That is not possible. If it’s sexual at all, it’s a sin to do before marriage. You can see this principle outlined in places like 1 Corinthians 7:1-9 where Paul clearly explains that the only two options for singles with a sexual desire is abstinence or marriage.
Therefore, the next helpful question would be, “What defines an act of physical intimacy as sexual or not?” Is a tongueless kiss sexual? Or is a kiss only sexual when the tongue is involved? Is spooning on the couch sexual? Or is laying on the couch only sexually when there’s rubbing and pressing the sexual areas of the body together?
My best answer to questions like this is to pay attention to what is arousing your sexual organs. A kiss may not be sexual in some contexts while at other times it could be a form of foreplay that is arousing the couple sexually.
In truth, however, I think anyone who is being honest with themselves will know when something is sexual or not. Obviously certain parts of the body are off limits, such as the breasts, butts, and areas close to the genitals.
But big picture, anything that is giving a man an erection or turning a woman on sexually should be avoided. Any physical activity that would be considered non-sexual is on the table.
2. Find Opportunities to Engage in Physical Labor Together
A couple can only talk so much. Emotionally connecting is great, but if you emotionally connect too much and for too long, even this can lead to sexual arousal. So how can a dating couple use their bodies to connect with each other without sinning?
Believe it or not, doing manual labor with another person creates a healthy bond. You can see this when it comes to friends of the same sex who work together. In fact, many people are extremely good friends when they work together, but then when they move jobs, a lot of that former closeness fades over time. Why? Because the work that once connected them is no longer feeding their bond.
For example, when two female nurses have to do something hard together for the benefit of a patient, after they are done, they will feel closer to each other. When they do that repeatedly over years, a deep connection is formed between them that other people will not understand because they were not there for all the service they did together.
Or perhaps two mechanics have to work together to lift something extremely heavy. If one of them drops their side, the other one will get injured. These types of tasks make these men build trust and respect for each other.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 states, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.” When you toil together, it creates a bond. You can harness this principle to connect in dating as well. Find service projects to participate in. Try to build something useful. Do landscaping together. Do an active hobby together like hiking, joining a coed softball team, or working out.
Big picture, do active things together with your bodies and it will help you feel a deeper connection with each other that is not sinful.
3. Spend Time Alone in Wise Ways Where You Will Have to Resist the Sexual Urge Together
As a Christian dating couple who is trying to avoid sexual sin, you have to be wise in your alone time together. Nothing good is going to happen at 1am in the morning in a dark room. Spending every day together alone is a recipe for disaster.
However, I also think some Christians go too far when they are trying to avoid the dangers of being alone together. Some will say you should never be alone if you want to avoid sexual sin. I think this is a mistake. For one, if you two lack that much self-control where you can’t spend a few hours together without touching each other’s private parts, you lack the maturity needed to enter into marriage.
Additionally, to really know if you should marry someone, you need to see how you two connect when you are alone. If you always need other people there to make your connection work, that is not marriage material.
Therefore, I think a dating couple should have healthy alone time. Will this create sexual tension. Yes! It will. But guess what? Sexual tension is not bad. You should be sexually attracted to the person you are considering marrying (1 Corinthians 7:36). Sin only occurs when you cross the line into lustful thinking or sexual actions.
In fact, as you both spend time alone and work hard to control your bodies together so you don’t fall to sexual sin this will actually become a way for you two to connect physically without sinning. Honoring the Lord with your body is an act of worship (Romans 12:1). Worshipping God with another person will connect you two.
With all that said, please heed this warning. Resisting sexual tension is physically tiring, which is why you shouldn’t push it and be alone too long, too late, or when you are not emotionally prepared to resist your body’s natural urges.
But big picture, as you two seek to honor the Lord with your bodies together (1 Corinthians 9:27), you will feel closer to each other in the process because you’re both using your bodies together in a holy way.
4. Share Acts of Physical Affection that You Would Do in Front of Your Pastor
So what are some specific physical acts that can show affection that are not sexual?
As I said in point 1, that question will be answered differently by different people. A good rule of thumb, however, is to imagine how you would feel if someone else was in the room when you were doing that physical act. For example, would you be holding each other like that if your pastor was present? Would that peck on the lips be an appropriate goodbye kiss or would it make your pastor and you two uncomfortable to be kissing like that in front of him?
While each of you must pay attention to your own bodies, what follows is just a few practical tips that I’ve found useful to Christian dating couples:
- Don’t lay down together. I believe laying down signals your body to relax and drop your guard. It’s a vulnerable position. So I would recommend you either lay down on different couches where you are not touching, or sit together if you want to be close.
- Keep your distance from the obvious “hot zones” on the body. Butts, chest, inner thighs, etc.
- Be verbally transparent when you are getting too aroused. You might be embarrassed to admit it, but it should be seen as a compliment. Again, you want to be attracted to each other. But when you’re not married yet, you have to know when to call it quits before you lose control and fall into sin (1 Corinthians 6:18).
5. Focus Your Physical Energy on Figuring Out if You Two Should Breakup or Get Married as Quickly as Possible
Perhaps the biggest reason so many people fall into sexual sin in dating is because they are not using dating in a biblical way. Dating, of course, is not mentioned in the Bible. But marriage is. Thus, to use dating in a biblical way, I believe it must be used to figure out if God is leading a man and woman to get married or not.
When you date just to date, you usually end up sinning sexually because you’re connecting too long and in an unfocused way. And then when you sin sexually in dating, this then delays marriage even more because you are releasing tension and engaging in marriage privileges, which decreases the motivation to get married. So it’s really a bad cycle when you date in an unfocused way that is not being used to gauge marriageability.
Thus, I encourage couples to get on with it! Date in a serious way and get your questions answered. Should you breakup because you two aren’t going to get married or should you two get married? By being focused in dating and knowing the purpose for this season, you are going to either stop sexual tension by breaking up or you will be able to enjoy sexual activity because you are married.
In the meantime, while you are dating, do what needs to be done to figure this out. Spend time together. Do the work. Have the conversations. Meet the families. Make the money. Move out of the parents’ home and get your own place. Get done with school and get that career. Whatever needs to happen to make marriage a reality, get to work!
Big picture: Use your time and energy to know if you should get married or breakup (Ephesians 5:15-17)! If you don’t know, keep dating. But don’t keep dating when you already have the answer to your questions. That’s when sexual sin usually occurs.
