How do you get someone to forgive you? As hard as we try not to, we all sin against those we love. Sometimes it is difficult for them to forgive us.
Whether it’s because we keep sinning against them the same way or because the sin we confessed was so hurtful (like cheating/adultery), there are times in life when we will confess our sins to those we have hurt, but they will struggle to forgive us.
Thankfully the Bible talks a lot about forgiveness. Here are five truths found in Scripture that will help answer the questions, “How do I get someone to forgive me?”
1.How to Get Someone to Forgive You: Ask for Forgiveness, But Don’t Force It Because Forgiveness is Their Choice
Biblically speaking, it’s actually impossible “to get someone to forgive you” or “make someone forgive you.” True forgiveness, like love, is always a choice each individual must make within their own heart. Our relationship with God should be the blueprint for our relationship with others.
When we sin against God, we don’t “get” or “make” Jesus forgive us. Jesus forgives us because he chooses to, because he desires it, and because it is his character to offer grace when we don’t deserve it.
When we try to force people to forgive us, it hardens their heart even more towards us. The first thing we should do when we want forgiveness is ask the person we sinned against. The next thing we must do is allow them the freedom to do whatever they decide to do. Even if they don’t forgive us when we ask, which is against God’s command, we must allow them the freedom to do what they want. We can’t shove the Bible back in their face and expect them to jump at the opportunity to have affectionate and warm feelings towards us.
Notice the burden God places on the one sinned against in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” God instructs the person who was wronged to go out of their way to seek reconciliation because it is there choice. Of course the offender should pursue it as well (Colossians 3:13), but God speaks to the offended because the choice to forgive is always with the person who was wronged.
Therefore, to get someone to forgive you, you must allow that person the time they need to obey God on their own free choice.
2.How to Get Someone to Forgive You: Truly Repent and Be Genuine
Again, God has placed the burden of reconciliation on both the offender and the offended, so no one can do something to force the other party to forgive. But it sure helps the human heart move on from being offended when the offender is truly repenting and is genuinely sorry for their sins. Ephesians 4:22-25, 29 states:
…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another…. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
The above verses explain that what we do can positively and negatively affect other people. When we throw off the old man and put on the new man, we are then able to put away falsehood, speak the truth in love, and speak words that help build others up.
Only when we are repenting, forsaking the sinful nature, and seeking to live from the new nature in Christ will we be of any service in helping others love and obey God. If you are still living in your sin, you will be of no help to the person you want forgiveness from.
3.How to Get Someone to Forgive You: Focus on Yourself and Receive the Rebuke
In Luke 17:3-4 Jesus instructs us to, “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
Again, to help others we must pay attention to ourselves. Additionally, we must receive the rebuke from others well. When we sin against someone, it is their biblical right to loving rebuke us. This does not mean they have the freedom to blast us, to be rude to us, or to sinfully judge us (which would be judging our hearts rather than our actions). But they are to righteously judge our external sins (1 Corinthians 5:12-13) and rebuke us when we error against him or her (Luke 17:3).
We must allow them their biblical right to correct us because we then have the biblical right to be forgiven. God tells the person who is wronged to rebuke AND to forgive. If we as the offender want the forgiveness, we must also be willing to receive the loving rebuke.
4.How to Get Someone to Forgive You: Allow Them To Be Angry
There is an anger that is not sin. Ephesians 4:26 explains, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
God gets angry over sin (Colossians 3:6). There is a time and place for Christians to do the same. When we hurt, violate, misuse, and sin against someone, it is a right response on their part to have a righteous anger over this.
However, God does not remain angry if the sinner repents and relies on the gospel of Jesus Christ. God is always looking for ways to be reconciled to his enemies. Christians are called to do the same.
Ephesians 4:26 explains that there is a righteous anger, but is also explains that Christians must not linger and hold on to any anger for an extended period of time. If we want people to forgive us, we must allow them the time to be righteously angry over our sins against them so that they can then move on, forgive us, and “not let the sun go down” on their anger against us.
5.How to Get Someone to Forgive You: Pray for Them
Lastly and most importantly, if we want someone to forgive us, we must pray for them. Romans 8:26-27 states:
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.”
When someone’s heart is hard towards us, we are completely powerless to change this. People have no power over other people’s hearts. Changing the heart of man belongs solely to the Holy Spirit. He alone has the power to change our hearts, to soften our hearts, and to heal our hearts.
When someone won’t forgive us, it is the most powerless feeling in the world. After we have asked for forgiveness, the only thing left to do, and the most important thing to do, is to pray for the person we have hurt. We may not even know what to pray, “but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”
So how do you get someone to forgive you? We must accept that forgiveness is their choice, give them the freedom to follow God without forcing it, we must genuinely repent, and we must depend on God in prayer to do only what he can do: heal and change the human heart.
You may also like:
Get your copy of Redeemed Like David and access to all of our eBooks. It's completely free - my gift to you. (Study Guide and Leader's Guide Included)
Type in your email address and a copy will be sent right to your inbox.
Paperbacks (with study questions and a leader's guide) are sold for $9.99 on Amazon.
Thank you so much for this article on what to do when someone won’t forgive you. I am going through that in my life right now. And it is by 3 people that are close as in family. I have done wrong and have sincerely asked for forgiveness. I also have ask the Lord for forgiveness and I KNOW that the Lord has forgiven me. I trust what is word says that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all wickedness.
It is a big struggle for me cause they not only won’t forgive me but they do everything they can to hurt and punish me for what I did. I have done all that I know of to try to get them to forgive me but after reading your article you have lead me to know that all I can do is still love them and pray for them. It is hard to deal with the hate and hurts they are now putting on me but I see I just have to turn them over to the Lord and the Holy Spirit will have to deal with them.
I also hurt for them because I believe the whole Bible and I believe it when it says, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” I don’t want them to be lost because they have unforgiveness in their hearts,
So I am having to forgive them for how they are hurting me now. This is hard as they continue to hurt me and everyday I have to just remind myself that I forgive them for what they are doing to me and to continue to put it in the Lord’s hands. I don’t want an unforgiving spirit in me. Because as I interpret Jesus’s words I see it as a sin to be unforgiving.
So thanks so much for your words of comfort to me today.
John
John, thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like a very difficult season, but it also sounds like the Lord is near to you during this trying time. It sounds like you are thinking very clearly and biblically about this. I especially like how you are intentionally forgiving them for them not forgiving you. This can be a big source of bitterness if we do not choose to forgive even when others are not forgiving us. I hope in time reconciliation can happen.
Thanks again for sharing and God bless,
Mark
Mark
Thank you for this. I am struggling with having hurt a friend so much that they might not return to the relationship, and it was my own fault. I have said all the words that I can, changed the habits that I can, and now it is so hard to wait, but, as you wrote so well, it’s out of my hands. I can only hope that they will be willing and able to forgive this new person I am working so hard to be. You explained everything so well, and beautifully, that it is just what I needed. Thank you.
You are so welcome, thank you for sharing. Keep praying and depending on the Lord and he will show you what to do next. You are obviously taking full responsibility and moving forward, which is the only thing you can do. God will honor this in your life. We certainly don’t know what will happen, but whenever we seek to obey the Lord and do the right thing even when it’s hard, God honors this.
In Christ,
Mark
I sinned against this person. And I have seen how disgusting and low I can be. I am disgusted at myself and humiliated. I have lost any respect I had for myself. The guilt and shame is overwhelming. I cannot look at the reflection of myself in the mirror. I cannot eat, the person’s rightful anger haunts me when I try. It makes me vomit. My hands started trembling and my lungs and heart feels like they are being crushed. I am becoming weaker every day.
The person has proof of what I did, because I was forced into admitting what I did and I confessed everything. I may be exposed to everyone if the person wants to ruin me completely. And everyone will leave me.
I am scared, and I am disgusted and so embarrassed of myself.
I have left God for many years, but I have come back to him because I have nowhere else to go.
God is my only hiding place and refuge. I am confessing my sins and I am begging God to pour his mercy and grace over me.
But until I receive forgiveness from the person, I will never be free from the guilt, shame, embarrassment and fear. The person is not a faithful christian either. But I am begging God to pour his grace onto the person as well so that the person may forgive me. I need God’s miracle.
Please pray for this situation. Please pray for me. Please pray for the person.
I need people of faith to pray for me.
“Lord, help him/her to experience the total forgiveness you offer us regardless if others forgive us. Our sin is ultimately against you (Psalm 51:4), so you are always the one we need forgiveness from first and foremost. Please bring restoration if possible to this relationship and healing to everyone involved. Thank you for your grace, in Jesus name, Amen.”
(1 John 1:9, Romans 8:1)
-Mark
I did wrong by my four children when I was a single mom and living a life of sin. This happened just about 10 years ago and I am still hoping my older two kids forgive me. I have confessed and repented of that sinful lifestyle and desire to only live righteously. This has been terribly lonely and painful. I tried not to say the words “I’m sorry” over and over but rather tried to demonstrate in my actions that I was sorry. I thought my daughter had forgiven me but alas she is harboring deep resentment toward me and this is breaking my heart as she is pregnant with my grandbaby. The father of this baby is a severe drug addict and I am so concerned about everything. I’m trying to believe the promises I’ve received in the Word but I guess I’m still struggling. Please pray for me. Thank you.
I will certainly pray for you. I believe you are doing the right thing by not “forcing” their forgiveness. For them to be angry and still upset is normal. Forgiveness can happen in a moment but it often takes years for feelings of forgiveness to arrive. It’s hard to not live by feelings.
My best advice would be to respect what your daughter wants even if it is unwise. For her to allow you into her life, she will need to make that choice for herself and she won’t do that if she feels any negativity or forcefulness from you. Radical acceptance will go along way. It won’t be easy because it sounds as though she is making bad choices in life. But again, if you show disapproval of her, she will not let you into her life. You have to earn the right to offer advice, and it seems at this point she has not given you that right. Work on the relationship before addressing the way she is living.
I’ll pray for you,
-Mark
I have been so lucky to have heard from this friend again on the phone, after many months, partly due to both of us going through some difficult situations in recent weeks, separately, of course. It is early days still, but I am so hopeful, and so grateful we are both safe and sound. I kept this website bookmarked all these months, hoping that somehow it would help make a difference in my situation, and maybe it did. Thank you again for your kind words, Mark, and I hope my small moment of good fortune can be paid forward and help someone else who is still waiting to hear from a loved one.
I’m so glad to hear this ministry has blessed you.
In Christ,
Mark
Thank you so much for this article it has been a year and a half but the memory , the pain and the shame is still fresh like it happened yesterday. i once wronged a family member who swore never to forgive me . iam sick from something that doctors has failed to identify what it is and now my only hope is in Gods healing .however i can not pray with all the guilt of not being forgiven and all the division that this incident has caused in my family what can i do i need this person to forgive me so that i can ask God to heal me
I have lived a pretty rough life and have been in trouble a few times when I was younger. I stayed out of trouble for almost 20 years and got into trouble again. I was brought to my knees in a way I’ve never been as the shame was more than I could take. I have never felt so much loneliness as the world as I knew it was gone and most of the friends that I thought I had were gone. I lost all. Fortunately God had mercy on me and gave me another chance. I’ve struggled at times, but I keep in the back of my mind what it was like when I was in that jail cell feeling like the worst person in the world. I will never forget that.
As time has gone on, I have had time to really look over my life and look at things realistically. It’s not been easy, but I’m dealing with it.
When I was younger, I really feel I met the love of my life whom God intended for me to be with as I have never felt what I felt then since then with any of the other relationships I have been in or even in my short marriage. It’s been many years since there’s been anyone by my side, but I still remember and I feel the pain I caused others as well as myself by my being wild and irresponsible. At the time ofcourse I did not see it as I was blind.
Recently, I’ve had this lady on my mind which I hurt many years ago whom I honestly feel was God’s intended partner for me, but being young and wild, I just didn’t see it or appreciate it for what it was I had found. In the short time we were together, I felt like I was walking on a cloud because everything I had ever dreamed of or wanted in a companion was there before me.
Unfortunately, the partying took over and I was back to my old ways and I ran around on her and slept with someone. I have regretted it much over the years, but honestly, it never really impacted me as it has lately. I never ran around on anyone else I was with, but the person I loved and cared for the most in my whole life I cheated on. As I was still young and barely out of school, I got her to sneak out to meet me one night and ofcourse we got caught and I never saw her after that. I spoke to her a few times on the phone after that, but it was over. Her parents did the right thing by shutting it down because I broke their rules and did what was not right. I don’t blame anyone for that. That was on me. I should have never done that. I pretty much at the time messed my life up all the way around as quickly as I could and ended up in trouble time and time again. It’s probably a good thing they stepped in and got her away from me as I was headed toward a destructive path.
Over the years, I’ve tried locating her so I could just contact her in some way just to say I’m sorry for the things that I did which caused her and her family problems and her hurt. Even after I told her I cheated on her, she didn’t waiver in her love for me. I have never met anyone else nearly as wonderful as she was and noone has even come close to touching my heart the way she did. It’s been many years ago, but I would like to know in some way that she’s doing ok and has had a decent life. She deserved the best and she was a Christian. She and her family were wonderful people. It’s truly been one of the biggest regrets of my life because I honestly feel at that time in my life that God opened doors for me to truly find happiness and to live a good life, but we as people make our choices and we have to learn to live by those choices as the past cannot be undone as much as we would all like it to be so at times. I have been praying for this person and asking to please be with her in all that she does and to bless her and her family in all ways. I know I typed out alot here, but it’s been on my mind for a long time now. Thank you for allowing me to share. May God Bless you and be with you always.
Thank you for sharing your comments, I pray God leads you to what he desires for you. You may also enjoy this article, “How to Get Over Someone” https://applygodsword.com/christian-advice-how-to-get-over-someone/
God is able to heal all wounds and forgive all sins. Thank God because we all need his grace,
-Mark
Thank you so much for your post. I believe it is God’s orchestrating that I stumble upon your article at this trying time of my life. Because of my own foolishness, I did something I shouldn’t have done, and hurted someone that I love. All along I planned on confessing to him, and recently under what I believe is the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I finally come clean. I asked God for His forgiveness and I believe I am forgiven because He said in His Words that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins. I asked for forgiveness from the person that I hurt, but he won’t forgive me unless I do one of two things, and one of which I know is contrary to Biblical teaching. The Bible says we are to obey God rather than man, so I didn’t comply to his request. Is true forgiveness something I have to earn? I need to do something to pay back for my wrong? I’ve been struggling with this and having such a difficult time that stumbling upon your article felt like a loving tender touch from God. Thank you so much for the post.
I’m so glad God used this post to help you. You are right, God is always ready to forgive when we ask for it (1 John 1:9). And you are doing the right thing by not following man when sin is involved. We must always obey God first.
No, forgiveness is not something to be earned. If this person wants you to pay him back, that’s not forgiveness. Think of it this way: If you have a debt and you pay it back with your own money, that is not forgiveness. But if someone wipes the debt clean and doesn’t make you pay it back even though you owe that bill, that is forgiveness. So if this person wants you to do something before he will forgive you, that is not true forgiveness.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. God bless,
-Mark
I work for a christian organization, and got fired from there. It a food pantry and thrift store that run by a christian organization. I know when i left there that i was angry and said things about the guy who fired me, and i know it was wrong, but you cant change that. The guy has since resign. I have had volunteer ask me to come back . I thought about it. I loved it there, and i was not asking to come back to work , but to volunteer. I am a forgiving person and i know what i did was wrong, but the new director wont let me come back because she dont trust me, if for some reason if someone said something to me to make me mad, am i gonna leave and say things? That what she was worried about. I told her that it would never happen again. I just need to prove to her that i am not that person. I ask for forgiveness, but there not willing to do that. This is a christian organization, and i would love to volunteer there. There are not many people who would do what i did, to want to go back to a place where i was fired from. I am willing to forgive, forget and be the person i always been. I never stole from there or got smart with anyone..what are your thoughts on this? Thank you !!
I think what you are saying makes sense but trust and forgiveness are two different things. Also it sounds like they are thinking about this from an organizational standpoint rather than a personal standpoint. As an organization they are obligated to do what is safest for the company. It would probably look odd to bring back someone who was fired in the past. Just my thoughts though . . . God bless.
-Mark
I have read through all these posts and they have brought tears to my eyes, because I can relate to many of them soo much.
I had a wonderful man in my life that hurt and broke his heart truly. It was not my intentions but in the heat of the moment, I wanted what I wanted and got what I deserved as I have heard that put before. I was not thinking about the future and was not thinking clearly. I hurt him to the point of no return. I have spent over a year of my life dedicated to him and trying, hoping and praying he would forgive me and open his heart to love me again. It has not happened. Instead I believe he took it upon himself to just have a cold heart towards me and get what he could get out of me with the coldest heart. I really and truly believed he was my heart, my joy, my love, my future. I have asked him to forgive me and it’s the hardest thing for us both to talk about. He has kept so much of his life from me in a years’ time because he is afraid of me, afraid of what he saw over a year ago, afraid that that evilness will return. His heart of now of stone towards me. Although we get along the best together when having fun and have never had this issue to uproot again, he can’t forget it. I have done all I can to prove and to promise him, I’d never be that person again on this earth. I pray my life is taken away before that were to ever happen again. I have grown from this type of behavior and will never be me again. It was a mistake, but now his heart has turned to stone when he sees thinks of me. I am left vulnerable and my eyes full of water every time I think of it and think of the potential our lives had together, every day.
Thank you so much for your words of insight. I perticulary like the fact that you say ” We must accept that forgiveness is their choice, give them the freedom to follow God without forcing it”. I would respectfully like to submitt that we are not admonished in the bible to ask for someone to forgive you. That is a jump that people make. If you check what you have said in the above writing, you will see that everywhere that God states that if you repent, He is faithful and just to forgive. We don’t have to ask but receive and know. Now with regard to the brother or sister that we have wronged, it is our job to be sorry and to show change and to pray that God would intercede for us. It’s all about trusting God enough. I have looked and have not seen where we should burden those we have sinned against with the task of being asked to forgive us. Please let me know if you have.
Bless You
Tom
Matthew 5:23-24 “Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”