Why Won’t God Just Give You a Spouse?

1 Chronicles 14:11

The word I’m focusing on in this article is “just.” Why won’t God “just” give you a spouse? When people ask this question, they are asking for the reasons why God will not just make their future spouse appear in their life? Why won’t God just let you bump into that person he wants you to marry? Why won’t God just put flashing lights around him or her and say, “This one? Marry this one!”

The reason I want to clarify all this is because I do believe that God is ultimately the only one who can give you a mature Christian spouse, for as Proverbs 19:14 explains, “House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.”

I know topics like this bring up all kinds of secondary questions about God’s sovereignty and man’s free will, so if you really want to learn more about how God is in control of your relationships while also requiring you to take certain action steps to get married, you may enjoy my book called The One: How to Know and Trust God’s Sovereign Plan for Your Future Marriage.

With that said, here are 3 reasons God won’t “just” give you a spouse?

1. God Puts Equal Responsibility on You and Your Future Spouse to Meet, Date, and Marry Each Other

One of the problems with people having an overly passive view of getting into a Christian relationship is that they are not holding themselves to the same expectations as the person they hope they will meet one day. If everyone is hoping that their future spouse is out there looking for them, then everyone will be waiting while no one is actually looking.

As Jesus taught in Luke 6:31, “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” Now I am not saying that a Christian man and woman should pursue each other in the exact same way. However, I do believe both men and women should expect to exert the same amount of effort in meeting and dating their future spouse.

Neither a man or a woman should expect the other person to be doing all the hard work while the other person just waits to be found and lives in the safety of the bubble that is their own life. A relationship will not form unless two people leave their social circles and meet each other outside of those circles. We all have social bubbles where we don’t venture out from because we feel safe in these bubbles. If you want to be married, however, God won’t just make your spouse magically appear in your bubble because he will also not make you magically appear to them in their life bubble.

Your lives have to intersect somewhere in the real world for your relationship to begin.

2. God Will Not “Just Give You a Spouse” Because This Is Not How God Designed Normal Life to Work

While James 1:17 teaches us that everything good we have is ultimately a gift from God, James 2:17 also teaches us the importance of combining faith and action. Anytime we receive something good from God, it was God who provided it but he still required us to take action steps to receive it.

Notice what David said in 1 Chronicles 14:11 when God gave him a military victory, “God has broken through my enemies by my hand, like a bursting flood.” He said that God brought the gift but the gift was produced through the action steps he took. David expressed the balance we all must find in life. God brings the victories but he often does it through our own hands.

This same principle is true when it comes to meeting the person God wants you to marry. God will be behind this union, but you will still need to take many actions steps to receive this blessing. 

3. God Will Not “Just Give You a Spouse” Because the Process Prepares You for the Prize

God loves us too much to give us things we are not prepared to handle correctly. When it comes to relationships, God usually trains us through hands-on methods. You can’t learn how to love someone just by reading a book. Books can help. But eventually you have to learn through doing.

If you never take action steps to make friends with the opposite sex, you will not learn the relationship skills to start dating someone of the opposite sex. And if you never start dating someone, you will never learn the skills you need to get engaged to someone. When you get married, you will continue to learn progressively as each new season of life comes. Just as God gives new parents babies and not teenagers because the parents learn how to parent as the child grows, this is why God requires us to start by taking small steps in relationships too.

God won’t just give you a spouse if you haven’t yet learned how to have a conversation with someone from the opposite sex. If you haven’t learned to ask a woman on a date, this means you are not prepared to ask a woman to marry you. If you haven’t learned how to relax and enjoy a date with a man, you have not yet learned the skills needed to relax and enjoy a marriage with your husband.

You can’t skip the process and still be prepared for the prize. God doesn’t just give you a spouse because then you wouldn’t be prepared to love your spouse with the practical skills and character traits needed for a successful marriage.

Be encouraged. God is always teaching you right now what you need to know for your future. Keep following him and learning the lessons he is teaching you. If you want a big gift from God, you must start by taking small steps with God.