Why would God allow you to keep getting involved with narcissists?
Perhaps you grew up with a narcissistic mother, and then you dated a narcissist, and then you got involved at a church where the pastor turns out to be a narcissist. Why does this keep happening to you?
While God is not going to send you a narcissist to hurt you, he may allow harmful people to come into your life if there are some variables in you that need to change.
Therefore, here are 3 possible reasons for why God keeps allowing narcissists to come into your life.
1. God Keeps Allowing Narcissists into Your Life to Expose the Wounded Parts of You from the First Narcissist Who Hurt You
Sometimes the people who wound us in the present are not the real problem. Sometimes they are just a reoccurring symbol pointing us back to an old wound left unhealed.
Like a deep bruise that only hurts when pressed, the current narcissist in your life may just be poking at the parts of your soul that were never fully mended. If this is occurring to you, God isn’t punishing you by allowing another narcissist into your life; rather, he’s revealing what still needs healing.
The first narcissist in your life—perhaps a parent, a past partner, or even a pastor—left a blueprint of brokenness that you are unknowingly following into other relationships. And so, like a shark that smells blood in the water, other narcissists are drawn to you because of the way the first narcissist has shaped your view of yourself.
Perhaps God is allowing another narcissist to enter the picture to reveal something sacred but buried – those young parts of you that are still hurt, that part of you that’s still controlled by someone else, and what Jesus is still longing to heal.
Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” But for God to heal the wound, it must first be revealed. What is the current pain pointing to in your past? What negative pattern left by the first narcissist have you been following that the current narcissist was attracted to?
Think of this process like re-breaking a bone that healed incorrectly. It’s painful, but necessary to ensure it’s set right. That’s what God does when he allows old pain to rise through new faces.
God gently guides us by using current grief to root out the ghosts of our past still haunting our present. He longs to break the negative cycles in your life to give you a new path that leads to healthy relationships with people who actually care about you.
2. God Keeps Allowing Narcissists into Your Life to Help You Balance Your Loving Acceptance with Biblical Boundaries
Many Christians confuse kindness with total compliance. They confuse humility with helplessness. But Jesus was never a doormat. While he taught us to turn the other cheek, he also taught us to perform such sacrifices from strength, not out of a damaged view of ourselves that feels unworthy of anything but abuse.
Jesus loved fiercely while on earth while also setting clear boundaries that infuriated those people who craved total control. Narcissists crave total control, and so they are drawn to people who are extremely gracious, patient, accepting, and who lack biblical boundaries.
While you should never forsake being gracious, patient, and accepting, you must also balance these good qualities with other good qualities, like discipline, correction, and the ability to loving rebuke those who are refusing to repent
Thus, it’s possible that God allows narcissists into your life not so you’ll break under their pride, but so you’ll learn to set up boundaries that are loving and biblical.
Proverbs 4:23 reminds us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Loving someone does not mean allowing emotional abuse or manipulation to rob your peace.
Imagine your heart like a garden. You’re called to keep it open to the sun, rain, and insects that help it grow. But without a fence and a gardener’s protection, rodents and other harm will infect the garden. The narcissist forces you to clarify where your fence should go and what actions you must take to pull the weeds out of your life.
Jesus said “yes” to people who came to him humbly and “no” to people who came in pride. So must you.
Biblical boundaries bless both the boundary-setter and the boundary-breaker. The boundary-setter is blessed with a healthy atmosphere to grow. And the boundary-breaker is rebuked and given the opportunity to see their sins and repent.
3. God Keeps Allowing Narcissists into Your Life to Teach You How to Minister to Others Who Have Been Hurt By Narcissists
Your pain will never be wasted. What the enemy meant for evil, God can use for ministry. Every time you escape the confusion, control, and chaos of a narcissist, you gain the tools and testimony to help someone else out of the same storm.
God is not just refining you. He’s also equipping you. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. Each tear you’ve cried can become healing water for another person’s soul. Each time you set a boundary, you model courage for someone who still feels captive.
Think of your experience like a lantern. It doesn’t just light your path. It lights the way for others still stuck in the dark. The wisdom you’ve gained becomes a map others can follow.
God doesn’t want you to be bitter. He wants you to gain the tools to help other people also get better.
God desire you to go from pain to purpose. When you turn to him, he can turn your narcissist-nightmare into the ability to nurture others out of their own prisons created by other narcissists.
Here’s a playlist of past videos I’ve done on the topic of narcissism: What Does the Bible Say About Narcissists?