4 Biblical Reasons You Are So Deeply Attached to Someone You’re Not With

Perhaps you are struggling to move on from someone in your past. Or maybe you have strong feelings for someone in your life, even though for some reason you can’t be in a relationship with them right now. Why is this happening?

The first three points in this article are for those attachments that God wants to help you break so you can move on. But sometimes, a deep attachment is God-give so that it will manifest into a life-long commitment with this person. I’ll talk about this possibility in the final point of this article.

1. You Could Be Deeply Attached to Someone If a Bond Was Created Through a Strong Hope for Happiness with This Person

Sometimes the hope for a relationship can bond you to someone in a stronger way than actually being in a relationship with them. This can happen because the hope we have in our hearts can become a replacement for the happiness we lack in our lives.

In other words, when you wish you were in a deeply satisfying relationship with someone, but there is no one in your life, all that longing and energy can get misplaced onto an idea of someone that you create internally, but which does not actually exist externally. When you have a real relationship with someone, but then they do something hurtful in real life, your brain can rationalize the need to let this person go. But when your bond is rooted in internal hope and desires, it’s harder to break this type of bond because it was never rooted in reality to begin with.

The only thing that can set you free from this type of bond is an internal conviction that this internal hope is not what God wants for you. How can you know if this hope is from the Lord or not? You must look at what effect it has on you (Matthew 7:20).

As Proverbs 13:12 states, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” If it’s making you sick, it’s a deferred hope. God doesn’t want you to live like that forever. Sometimes we need to hope that something happens to see if it might. But if it doesn’t happen, eventually we have to let that hope go.

Ultimately, our hope must be fully in God through Jesus. As Romans 15:13 says, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

2. You Could Be Deeply Attached to Someone if a Bond Was Created Through Sexual Sin

This is one of the main reasons so many people have a hard time when they break up with someone whom they know God did not want them to be with. They obey and move on, but internally, they can’t really let that person go. This usually happens when sexual sin takes place between you two.

However, it’s even possible to get attached to someone you never committed a sexual sin with physically if you were lusting after that person in your heart. Even though nothing happened in the physical world, something did happen in the spiritual world if you were lusting after them.

God made sex to help a husband and wife experience oneness. When used sinfully, sex bonds you with people you should never have bonded with (1 Corinthians 6:16).

Either way, whether you committed sexual sins with them or you were lusting in your heart after this person, the solution is the same: Jesus. We have to let the cross of Christ set us free. Confess your sins, repent in your heart, and receive the freedom Jesus has purchased for you. The bond will break when you receive Jesus’s grace.

Colossians 1:13-14, “He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

3. You Could Be Deeply Attached to Someone If a Bond Was Created Through Emotional Promiscuity

Sometimes the relationship connection was real and not just a blind hope, as was talked about in point 1. And sometimes no sexual sin occurred, as we talked about in point 2. Rather, the bond was formed through emotionally connecting with this person in an intimate way.

Perhaps you talked every day and shared deep feelings with each other. Or maybe you had really amazing conversations about your Christian beliefs and testimony. Or perhaps you two were dating, but you started talking about the distant future even though your relationship was brand-new.

When things like this occur and then the person is no longer in your life, it can leave an internal void. Just like sexual promiscuity can bond you with someone, so too can an emotional promiscuity, for Scripture tells us not only to guard our bodies, but also to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23).

Just like you must repent of sexual sin to break the attachment with this person, so too must you repent of any emotional sins that took place as well. Confess the sin of not guarding your heart, of being too open with someone who didn’t deserve that, and the sin of sharing parts of your heart that only belong to your future spouse.

Again, God’s grace is sufficient. Through the gospel, he sets us free and restores what was lost (Psalm 51:10-12).

4. You Could Be Deeply Attached to Someone Because God Wants You to Keep Investing in This Relationship

It’s easy to trick yourself into believing God wants you with someone just because you have a strong attachment to them. In most cases, the other three points in this article are a better explanation.

However, we certainly can’t rule out the possibility that the reason you can’t seem to break an attachment with someone who is not in your life is that God wants you with that person (Philippians 2:13).

To know if this relates to you, you will have to have a combination of evidence that involves the Scriptures, the Spirit speaking in your heart, and the circumstances in your life.

For more on this topic, you can watch this 3-part video series called 3 Ways God Will Reveal The One to You.