4 Intimate Biblical Conversations You Should Have Before Marriage

While most Christians have a basic understanding of sexual promiscuity before marriage, many do not have a great understanding of emotional promiscuity before marriage.

When you’re trying to honor the Lord while also figuring out whether you should marry someone, there is a difficult balance between guarding your heart and opening up to see whether you two are compatible.

Therefore, regarding the four intimate conversations I will discuss that you should have before choosing to marry someone, I suggest you have them only once the relationship is truly serious.

In other words, these are not conversations you need to have to decide if you should date someone. You should not have these conversations if a relationship is new. Rather, I would only have these types of conversations a little before the time engagement would be a real possibility.

Lastly, for most of my articles, I have key verses for each point. However, in this article, I’m going to use just one key verse to support each point. The key verse is Ephesians 4:15-16, which states:

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.”

That’s the goal: to speak the truth in love and to share only those things that will help you two grow together in Christ.

1. Before You Marry Someone, You Should Talk About Sex

For each of these four conversations, I will organize them into three categories: past, present, and future.

What do you need to know about each other’s past sexual history before getting married? In short, I believe you should share only what is absolutely needed. If you two are completely comfortable not knowing what the other’s past sexual history is, I think it’s fine not to discuss it.

However, in most instances, I think it’s wise to at least have a general idea. If someone is a virgin or not, for example, is helpful information. If someone has had many partners or just a few, again, could be useful information.

God’s grace is sufficient. So there’s no need to hold past sins against each other. But if you are choosing to marry someone, it’s wise to have a general idea of their past sexual history so you actually know what someone has been through.

I would avoid specific, overly detailed information like exact numbers of past partners, detailed sexual acts committed, and anything else that doesn’t serve an actual purpose in knowing. The less you can talk about this topic, the better. Only discuss what you both feel you need to know.

For a more detailed study on this topic, you can read my article When, Why, and How to Talk About Past Sexual Sins

When it comes to the present, there’s not much to talk about. Since you two are already serious at this point, you should have already discussed the boundaries you want, such as no premarital sexual activity.

When it comes to the future, you two should have a general conversation about sexual expectations. Many newly married couples have been shocked because they never discussed this. Because of past trauma, odd beliefs, or extreme biological differences, there are spouses who are very sexually incompatible. One spouse would like sex way more than the other, and this causes a lot of tension.

While it’s pretty common for there to be some mismatch in sexual desire in almost all marriages, if there is an extreme difference, you would want to know this before choosing to get married so you could make an informed decision on whether or not this is a wise choice for you.

Again, however, you want to keep things as general as possible. Getting too graphic about sexual expectations could cause unnecessary temptation while you’re still unmarried. The goal is not to needlessly talk about what you are looking forward to. Rather, the goal is simply to make sure you two are on the same general page when it comes to sexual expectations in a potential future marriage.

Only talk about what you really need to know before you can decide whether you want to marry them or not.

2. Before You Marry Someone, You Should Talk About Finances

Personally, I don’t see a biblical justification for separate finances when two people get married. Therefore, when it comes to the past, before you marry someone, you should know exactly how much debt you would be inheriting through this union.

If you don’t want to combine finances with someone, that’s completely fine. However, to me, that also means you don’t want to marry them. Trying to be united in marriage while not being united financially is a disaster waiting to happen. If you can’t combine finances, just don’t get married.

As for the present, you two should know how much each of you earns. Again, remember the context I’m talking about. You should not ask these questions if the relationship isn’t serious yet. But before marriage, it’s wise to know income levels so you two could decide what life would be like if you decided to join forces.

When it comes to the future, you two should talk about goals and principles that are important to you. For example, if one of you really hates debt and is willing to make sacrifices now so they can be further ahead in the future, but the other person is fine with car payments, a large mortgage, and having less in savings, that’s something you need to know about each other.

Money is unpredictable. So we can’t know the future. But before you marry someone, you just want to be going into it with both eyes open. If someone would be blindsided by something financial, mistakes were made and more conversations should have happened.

3. Before You Marry Someone, You Should Talk About Family

How you both were raised will affect how you function. So it’s important to have a general idea of what type of family history you both have.

In the present, you want to meet each other’s families to see how everyone interacts. It’s okay if this person doesn’t fit in with your family. If you two are getting married, you will become a new family together.

However, it will be more challenging if they don’t like each other’s families. So you just need to know that about them before you decide to marry them. Don’t think things will get better just because you’re married. Usually, things get worse if your partner has issues with your family members.

Also, in-laws are a part of the marriage package. Therefore, you want to make sure you are both on the same page about boundaries. What will holidays look like? How often can you invite your parents or siblings over? Would group vacations be an option? You’d be surprised by how much marital strife these types of decisions can cause.

Lastly, you certainly want to talk about your own family hopes. Do you want kids? Do you want a small family or a big one? Do you want the mom to not work? Do you want to homeschool?

These are big decisions that you don’t have to completely figure out before marrying someone. But you should at least start these types of conversations to explore whether there are any major mismatches between hopes and desires.

4. Before You Marry Someone, You Should Talk About Your Sin Tendencies

While we are all the same in that we are all sinners (Romans 3:23), it’s also true that we all tend to have different sin tendencies. And oftentimes our past struggles will remain the theme of our future struggles.

Therefore, while you should not confess every sin in detail to each other, you should know about someone’s past sin tendencies before marrying them. Addictions, anxiety, anger – you should know what someone has struggled with because those things always could come back.

The point here is not to look for a perfect person. Rather, if you marry someone, you should just know their triggers and patterns so you can love and understand them.

In the present, you should take note of how you both deal with sin. Can you apologize to each other and truly forgive? How much do you need to talk about something before letting it go? Does someone bring up your past to justify their current sin?

As for the future, you should both have a clear conversation about commitment in the face of sin. If you get married, you both need to agree that this is a forever commitment that could only be broken by the most serious of sins.

This article was all about things you should discuss before marriage. But what about conversations that need to happen before dating? I answer that question in this article here: 3 Conversations God Wants Christians to Have Before They Date