What influences a man to pursue one woman over all the other choices?
Here are 5 qualities that make a man choose one woman over other women.
Okay, this article is for women, so bear with me if this sports analogy doesn’t hit home right away. There’s an old saying when evaluating talented players, “The best ability is availability.” In other words, there are many talented, athletic players who get injured so often that it’s not worth adding them to the team. Even though they are a superior sports talent, if they can’t ever play because they get injured so much, their talent doesn’t really matter.
This is true when it comes to relationships as well. You might have all the right female qualities to be an amazing wife. If a guy just took the time to really get to know you, he might be amazed at how perfect you are for him. But guess what? If you’re not available to be pursued, it doesn’t matter how many great qualities you have.
In Song of Solomon 1:15, the man says, “Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves.” He could not “behold” her beauty if she was hiding it from him.
Some women date the wrong guys and then are always in the healing process when the good guys come around. Other women hide behind the fact that “men must pursue” and then justify sitting alone at home, complaining about not being pursued. And other women work up the courage to meet single men, but they have not taken the time to develop any social skills to get past that awkward “getting to know” you phase, thus they disappear in social settings even though they are physically present.
All that to say, men pursue the women the who are available to be pursued.
Don’t get it twisted. A good man wants there to be a payoff for the effort he puts in for pursuing you. And that is not wrong, selfish, or unbiblical.
Yes, true love is selfless and focused on serving the other person. But romance is different than the “charity” type of love in Scripture. Christian love should certainly be mixed into romantic love, but romantic relationships are biblically different than mere relationships between Christians.
If you want to be a man’s partner in life (1 Peter 3:7), it will start by you being his partner in the pursuing process. Yes, he must the one who initiates and pursues overall. But a woman must always reciprocate his efforts or otherwise the man will assume you don’t want him to pursue you anymore.
A man has no right to you until you give him that right. He should not expect you to wait on him if he’s not committing to you. So I’m definitely not saying you should reject every guy that pursues you as a way of influencing the guy who is not pursuing you.
Rather, we just need to be wise and thoughtful about this. If you do like a guy and you two are starting to build some chemistry together, it’s probably not a great idea for him to see you going on a date with someone else, flirting with other guys, or hanging out with your ex because you two are still “friends.”
Just be wise about it. The more he pursues and commits, the more you should treat him in an exclusive, privileged way. If you want him to pursue you rather than other women, then you need to invite him to pursue you more than you are inviting other men to pursue you.
The whole point of marriage is that a husband and wife will treat each other in a way that they don’t treat anyone else (Proverbs 31:29, Song of Solomon 2:3, Song of Solomon 4:9, Hebrews 13:4). So if you want that in marriage with this man one day, start taking steps in that direction.
Women often swing from the extreme of trying to lead the relationship to being incapable of leading themselves. They jump on either wagon of being a “boss chick” or a “damsel in distress.” A good man doesn’t want either of these types of women.
He wants a woman who wants him to lead her (Ephesians 5:22-25). But he also wants a woman who is not incapable of managing herself without him. When you read about the Proverbs 31 woman, she was clearly a very “capable” woman. She was submissive to her husband (Proverbs 31:11-12, 23), and she was strong (Proverbs 31:17), entrepreneurial (Proverbs 31:16, 24), prepared (Proverbs 31:15, 21), and able to manage her household so well that everyone knew her immense value (Proverbs 31:28). She is obviously not a damsel in distress who lacks capabilities.
God doesn’t call a man to lead because a woman is incapable of leading. Rather, God calls a man to lead because a woman has other roles to play that require just as much skill. If everyone had the same job, all the jobs would not get done.
So a good man who is looking to fulfill the role of a husband and father in a Christian family unit one day is looking to pursue a capable woman who is excited to let him do his job and who is excited to do her job as a wife and mother.
Some women have been trained to be difficult because that’s the only way they get attention. This is sad. I’m not trying to be rude here. It’s genuinely sad to see a woman who needs to cause drama because she is so insecure with herself that she needs a man to constantly reassure her that he does in fact still like her like he said he did before.
However, after a while, this complex behavioral pattern becomes an alarm bell for the man looking for a wife. He wants a partner, and partners need to be on the same page (1 Peter 3:7). If things are just too complicated, he’s not going to pursue that woman (Proverbs 31:11-12).
Rather, a good man pursues a woman when she responds to his pursuit in a clear way and things then make sense to the man moving forward. When a man knows why she’s happy or why she’s upset, this gives the man comfort that he can build a lasting relationship with her. But when things are not straight forward, he fears he will always be confused and unable to figure things out.
Of course humans, both men and women, are complicated and things are difficult sometimes. But overall a man wants a woman who can be defined by the word “simplicity.” He wants their relationship to bring more peace into each other’s lives, not more chaos.
Here’s a video series through the book of Ruth to help you know how to invite a man to pursue you: A Bible Study Through Ruth on Relationship.