4 Differences Between What Men and Women Find Attractive

When it comes to the relationship desires of men and women, they have more in common than they do different. And even in their differences, it’s more about the desire being higher or lower than the others rather than about one having this desire while the other does not.

So you shouldn’t read this article in an overly legalistic way. When I say that men want this while women want that, I’m really saying that most men want this more than most women want that, even though they both want that thing.

Also, of course, there are always exceptions. There are some individuals from both sexes that will not fit into these norms. But generally speaking, I believe the 4 differences I’ve listed here apply to most men and women.

Lastly, while my main audience doesn’t need me to explain this because they know my values, please note that as a Christian I’m in no way promoting sexual activity before marriage. I’m simply trying to explain the way men’s and women’s desires differ. You could use this information sinfully if you wanted to. But my goal in sharing this is for single men and women to know how to choose a partner wisely, and for married couples to know how to continue to enjoy each other romantically.

1. Men Want to Be Attracted to a Woman. Women Want to Be Attractive to a Man

Obviously, everyone wants to be with someone they find attractive and who finds them attractive. But again, when looking at the emphasis, there is a difference between men and women.

If you were to take a poll asking, “Would you rather be with someone you find very attractive or would you rather be with someone who finds you very attractive?” men and women would answer this very differently.

Proverbs 5:18-19 explains, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” A man wants to be able to rejoice in the woman’s beauty while the woman wants a man who will rejoice in the beauty she has.

This can be helpful information when you’re trying to speak your partner’s love language. As a man, you should take care of yourself. But you will be more attractive to a woman when you express how beautiful you find her. The more you allow her to feel that you want her, the more she will also want you.

If you are a woman, this is helpful to know because the more you focus on being beautiful for him, the more he will feel loved by you. While he will appreciate your compliments and attraction to him, what he really wants is for you to present yourself in the best way possible.

In short, his desire for her will be enhanced when the woman is trying to look beautiful for him. The woman’s desire will be heightened when she knows the man appreciates the effort she has put into looking beautiful for him.

2. Men Want to Please a Woman. Women Want to Be Pleased By a Man

This applies to both the sexual and non-sexual components of the relationship. What a man really wants is the ability to make a woman happy. He wants her to be pleased with his ability to provide, to protect, and to lead. While he will appreciate the things she does for him, what he enjoys most is knowing that he has made her happy through his efforts.

Women, on the other hand, find more joy in being with a man who is seeking to make her happy. Of course, she will find immense joy in serving her husband and receiving his gratitude. But more than that, to feel loved and satisfied, she wants him to do what will make her happy.

Perhaps this is why there is a different emphasis given in Ephesians 5:33, “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” All Christians are called to love and respect each other. So this verse is not saying that a Christian husband doesn’t need to respect his wife and that a Christian wife doesn’t need to love her husband.

Rather, I think Paul makes this emphasis because he’s highlighting what husbands need and what wives need that are different. When a husband seeks to love his wife, it’s a proactive effort to please her. When a wife seeks to show respect to her husband, it’s a response to the love he is offering. This supports the idea that men want to please a woman and women want to be pleased by a man.

Lastly, when it comes to sex in marriage, there’s nothing more stimulating to a man than knowing he is pleasing his wife. His ability to please her is what is most desirable.

3. Men Want to Know a Woman. Women Want to Be Known By a Man

This point is most clearly seen in the differing desires of men and women to communicate. Typically, women want to talk way more than men do. Not only that, but the things men and women want to talk about are different too.

When women get together, they talk about themselves, their feelings, and the most important people in their lives. When men get together, they talk about what they are doing in that moment, like fixing the car, playing the sport, or solving the problem. Why? Women want to be known and know themselves. Men just want to know how the world around them works.

This fact fits perfectly into my claim that women want to be known and men want to know.

Of course, again, both are needs in men and women. But overall, a woman will feel deeply loved when she feels like a man really knows her desires. A man will feel deeply loved when he feels like the woman has trusted him with her desires.

In Song of Solomon, for example, there are lengthy sections by both the man and the woman describing what they love about each other. However, it’s only the woman who expresses her great delight in being his:

• Song of Solomon 2:16, “My beloved is mine, and I am his . . .”
• Song of Solomon 6:3, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine . . .”
• Song of Solomon 7:10, “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me.”

There is no equivalent statement from the man saying something like, “I am my beloved’s, and she is mine.” It seems there is a direct emphasis on the woman finding great delight in being delighted in. She loves the fact that “his desire is for me.” The man, however, finds great delight in winning the woman, not necessarily in being won by the woman.

Again, both are needed for each person. But there is a greater emphasis in women in wanting to be known and delighted in by the man.

4. Men Want a Woman They Can Lead. Women Want a Man They Can Follow

It’s a pretty well-established fact that most women will only marry a man that they believe is at least equal or greater than them in certain key areas, such as intelligence, height, earnings, and social status. However, men will routinely marry women who are lower than them in these areas.

Why? Because men want to lead and women want to follow. It’s almost as if men and women were made for each other! Oh wait . . . they were! (Genesis 2:18, Genesis 1:27, Ephesians 5:22-33)

Here’s a related video from my new channel focused on marriage. The video is titled 3 Reasons Husbands and Wives Are Given Different Commands.