3 Reasons Husbands and Wives Are Given Different Commands in Ephesians 5:33

As I’m sure you’ve heard before, Ephesians 5:33 states, “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Why the different commands here? Why does Paul tell husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands? Shouldn’t husbands also respect their wives and shouldn’t wives also love their husbands?

Here are 4 reasons why Ephesians 5:33 tells husbands to love while telling wives to respect.

1. Husbands and Wives Are Given Different Commands Because It’s a Matter of Emphasis

By “emphasis,” I mean that Paul is highlighting what should be at the top of the mind for husbands and wives when interacting with each other.

There are a million little tips and commands Paul could have given: Be kind, be encouraging, don’t yell, never lie to each other, pray for each other, etc. I believe the reason Paul highlighted love for wives and respect for husbands is that these are the fundamental needs that must be emphasized in the relationship to foster a healthy dynamic between spouses.

In other words, by highlighting love for wives and respect for husbands, Paul was in no way saying that respect for wives and love for husbands were unimportant or unnecessary. His highlighting of love and respect was not him saying nothing else is important in marriage. At the base of the marriage relationship is simply a relationship. When Paul talks to husbands and wives, he’s adding onto what has already been established about relationships in general.

In other words, while people who are not married should not treat each other on the same level as a husband and wife do, a husband and wife should at least be starting their interactions with each other at the same level as normal Christians do.

Whenever the Bible talks to Christian married people, it does so in the context of what has already been stated to all Christians. This is why most of the direct commands to husbands and wives in the epistles happen towards the end of the books. In other words, all the normal commands to love and respect each other still apply to Christian spouses just as they do to all Christians. So it would be redundant for Paul to restate the normal Christian ethics to spouses since he’s already told all Christians how God wants us to treat each other.

Thus, when it comes the dynamics of a husband and wife, it’s a matter of emphasis. All Christians are to submit to each other (Ephesians 5:21). However, only a wife is called to submit in that special, emphasized way that is unique and private between the wife and husband (Ephesians 5:22). Likewise, all Christians are called to love each other (Ephesians 5:2). But only a husband is called to love in that special, emphasized way that is unique and private between the husband and wife (Ephesians 5:25).

I unpack this point in greater detail in the article titled 4 Biblical Differences Between the Roles of a Husband and Wife.

The point is, a husband does respect his wife just as all Christians are supposed to respect all people. And a wife does love her husband just as all Christians love all people. Of course, they will have greater affection in their love and respect for each other than the average Christian would for another person because a husband and wife share such a close and intimate bond. But the reason Paul tells husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands is that this is where the emphasis must be if spouses hope to make each other feel loved.

Why the different emphasis? Because men and women are different. Which leads us to point 2.

2. Husbands and Wives Are Given Different Commands Because Men and Women Have Different Needs

So we’ve established that when Paul tells husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands, this is not him saying that husbands don’t need to respect their wives and wives don’t need to love their husbands. Rather, Paul is, in effect, saying, “Hey, as humans, we’re all the same. But as a husband and wife, you two have different needs.”

If men and women were exactly the same, there would be no such thing as men and women. There would just be a person. Likewise, if husbands and wives were exactly the same, there would be no such thing as husbands and wives. There would just be a spouse.

We are given different names (i.e., men and women, husbands and wives, fathers and mothers) because there are differences. God made us different on purpose. Genesis 1:27, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

Simply put, Paul tells husbands to love their wives because wives need their husbands to put in extra effort to make them feel loved. If a husband isn’t making sure his wife feels his loving affection for her, she will begin to wither in the relationship. If he emphasized respect rather than love, she would feel unloved. She needs to be treated like a woman, not a man.

Likewise, Paul tells wives to respect their husbands because husbands need their wives to put in extra effort to make them feel respected. If a wife isn’t making sure her husband feels respected by her, he will begin to harden in the relationship. He needs to be treated like a man, not a woman.

3. Husbands and Wives Are Given Different Commands Because They Symbolize Different Things for the Glory of God

So we’ve established that the different commands are a matter of emphasis because men and women were created with different needs. But why? Why did God do that?

Anytime you ask a question that starts with the words, “Why did God . . .?” you can always answer it in the same way, “For his glory!” Everything God does, he does for his own glory. This benefits us. His glory and our good are beautifully intertwined.

The point is, men and women were designed to glorify God in two different ways. To glorify God means to make him visible or knowable to the world. And when you read Ephesians 5:22-33, you see that husbands and wives are called to make the truth about Jesus visible to the world.

In Ephesians 5:33, Paul tells husbands to love and wives to respect. But before that, Paul explained God’s ultimate purpose for marriage was to show the world the love relationship between Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:24-25 states, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . .”

Therefore, to show the whole picture God intends to show to the world through marriage, a husband and wife should treat each other differently. The love and respect in their hearts should be equal for each other. But the way a husband and wife express the glory of God and bear his image is meant to be different than one another.

And here’s the related article I mentioned earlier, titled 4 Biblical Differences Between the Roles of a Husband and Wife.

This is a big conversation and has many practical implications for married couples. Therefore, to continue learning with me, make sure you’re subscribed to my new YouTube channel, AGW for Marriage.