Healthy Marriage Disagreements Vs. Unhealthy Marriage Fights

Here are 4 ways to have more healthy disagreements in marriage and fewer unhealthy fights.

1. To Have Healthy Disagreements and Less Unhealthy Fights, You Must First Know the Difference Between the Two

A disagreement occurs when two people have differing perspectives. Not only that, but they are also verbalizing their difference. Disagreements don’t happen when people don’t talk about their differences. That can be healthy sometimes. Silently accepting someone is a powerful way to get along.

However, in a marriage, there should be healthy disagreements sometimes because this means the couple is being open and vulnerable, which are key ingredients to emotional intimacy.

Lastly, to have a healthy disagreement, the motive must be to find a solution or at least mutual understanding.

Fights, however, occur when two people have different perspectives and express those differences disrespectfully. Not only that, but the motive is no longer to find a solution or mutual understanding. Rather, the motive is to win the argument, hurt the other person because they hurt you, or to make the other person understand you without also seeking to understand them (James 4:1).

It’s really important to know the differences between healthy disagreements and unhealthy fights because sometimes a couple will miss out on the intimacy they could have because they avoid healthy disagreements because they think they are the same thing as fights. Avoiding disagreements, however, can build resentment. If you never have healthy disagreements, you will always have unhealthy fights. The internal pressure will build and build until someone finally explodes. Having a healthy disagreement allows frustrations or hurts to be expressed before they cause an explosion.

The other reason it’s really important to know the difference between disagreements and fights is that some couples think they are having healthy disagreements, but in reality they are just fighting. In marriages like this, someone usually ends up shutting down. One spouse thinks they’re having a healthy disagreement, but the other just gets tired of being verbally attacked all the time, so they start giving up.

Therefore, the first step toward healthy disagreements and fewer fights in marriage is recognizing the differences between the two.

2. If You Want to Have Healthy Disagreements and Less Unhealthy Fights, Check Your Motives

Luke 6:45, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”

Healthy disagreements flow from a healthy heart. Unhealthy fights flow from an unhealthy heart. Motives are the blood that flows through our spiritual veins. 1 Timothy 1:5-6, “The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Certain persons, by swerving from these, have wandered away into vain discussion . . .”

Therefore, to avoid “vain discussions,” before you start talking to your spouse, talk to God first to make sure your heart is in the right place. Psalm 139:23-24 states, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

3. Learn to Be Okay with Your Spouse Thinking Differently

A lot of times we feel that to be unified in marriage we have to be the same. But that’s never going to happen.

Sure, the healthiest marriages are always anchored by a husband and wife who share the same core beliefs about the most important things. But if a man and woman need each other to see everything the same, they will always be fighting.

Fights happen in marriage when we need the other person to agree with us and feel the same way as us. Peace can happen when we can accept our differences and still remain fully unified in love. It’s okay if your spouse sees something different. Just accept them and move on. It’s not your job to make them into your image. Love them and be used by Christ so he can form them into his image (Romans 8:29).

Colossians 3:14, “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” What will produce perfect harmony? Perfect understanding? Perfect agreement? Perfectly defeating the other person in a debate? No, love alone can produce perfect harmony. And to love your spouse, you two don’t have to see everything the same.

4. Speak the Truth in Love

I think most people are naturally wired to be either truth-tellers or love-givers. And it’s important to know which one you are because as Christians, we’re called to be both. If you just lean into your natural disposition, you won’t be able to fulfill what Ephesians 4:15 commands: “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ . . .”

Speaking the truth in an unloving way creates fights because the heart behind your words is combative. Saying untrue things in kind ways also produces fights because lying is offensive. If you want to have more healthy disagreements and less fighting, you have to learn to be a truth-teller and love-giver, not just one or the other.

Related Article: How to Have Better Conversations More Often with Your Spouse