Ideally, in a healthy Christian marriage, a couple doesn’t t have to set boundaries with each other because they will naturally set healthy boundaries for themselves. The couple will respect the God-ordained boundaries we all know we should have for each other.
However, as we all know, none of us are perfect; thus, there do come times when we need to set boundaries for each other. Rather than giving rules for every Christian marriage about which boundaries to set, the Bible simply gives general principles that each couple will need to apply to their specific relationship.
Therefore, what follows is general advice that you will need to apply to your marriage. I’m not telling anyone what boundaries they should or shouldn’t have with their spouse. Rather, my aim is to help you think about this topic in a biblical way so you can have the healthiest relationship possible in whatever type of marriage you may have.
So here are 4 biblical ways to guard your heart and have boundaries in marriage. And then at the end of this article, I will give some real-world examples so you can see these principles in action.
1. To Have Boundaries in Marriage, You Must First Understand What Boundaries Really Are
The word “boundary” as we’re using it is not found in the Bible. Rather, this is a modern term for a physical, emotional, or spiritual standard you impose to protect what falls under your authority.
Perhaps the best synonym for the word boundary is “a limit.” Boundaries limit access. They let others know where they can and cannot go. This is why boundaries can only be placed around things that you own and have authority over.
For example, you can set a boundary that states your boss is not allowed to enter your home. However, you can’t set a boundary at work telling your boss they can’t enter your office.
Also, boundaries don’t simply deny access; rather, they define the proper protocol for access. They communicate to others what would be required for them to cross a threshold you have set.
So boundaries are less like walls and more like doors that only you can open and shut. They aren’t just fences. They are fences with a gate. They define your property line, but they also clearly communicate to people how they can enter your property.
Boundaries can vary in severity. Think of your house and then apply it to yourself. You might have a fence around your property. People can come onto your property, but they must go through the gate. If they have a good reason to come onto your property and knock on your door, even strangers are welcome.
People then come up to the house door. They can come into your house, but you need to invite them in first. You don’t invite strangers past your front door, but friends and family are welcome.
You then have a bedroom. This is an intimate area that only very few people would have access to. Random friends, and especially friends of the opposite sex, will not be allowed into your bedroom.
You then have a bed. Only your spouse can enter it.
Likewise, there are levels of intimacy in areas of your non-tangible life that must be protected with appropriate boundaries. You are open to strangers, but only so far. You are open with friends and family, but only so much.
I think the best verse that captures the idea of boundaries is Proverbs 4:23 (NIV), “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” It says to “guard.” A guard can allow you in or deny you access. So this verse doesn’t mean you wall your heart off so no one can ever hurt you.
Also, it specifically says to guard “your heart.” This shows us that we can only truly set boundaries around that which we have authority over.
2. To Have Boundaries in Marriage, You Must Define Them
The difference between a feeling and a boundary is that feelings can change but boundaries are stable. Feelings arise in the moment. Boundaries are set beforehand. Feelings project themselves. Boundaries are communicated by you.
Therefore, the first practical step in setting a boundary with your spouse is to communicate it clearly. Imagine you’re walking in a field when, all of a sudden, some random person starts yelling at you to get off their property. They say you just crossed their property line, but as you look around, all you see is grass. How confusing!
That’s what it’s like if you never communicate your boundary clearly. While you might have a boundary, you will always get upset when someone crosses it if there is no clear, objective marker to show where the line is.
If you want your spouse to respect your boundary, you first need to clearly communicate it to them.
Not only must you define your limits, but you must also communicate the consequences of crossing them. Which leads to point 3.
3. To Have Boundaries in Marriage, You Must Enforce Them
Without enforcement, boundaries become suggestions rather than facts. A boundary is really only a boundary if there is an actual consequence to crossing it.
You can say that I’m crossing an illegal boundary by walking on the sidewalk in front of your house. But since you can’t enforce that limit, we know it’s not a true boundary. You don’t have authority over the public sidewalk.
However, if I step onto your property or try to enter your house, then you can call the police and I can go to jail. This shows there really was a boundary there because you had the power to enact a consequence on me.
Likewise, if you really want to set boundaries with your spouse, there have to be concrete ways to enforce them through appropriate consequences. If I trespass on your property, I can be charged with a crime. If I enter your house uninvited, I will be charged with a worse crime. I won’t get the death penalty, but I will be charged with some sort of appropriate punishment that fits the level of the offense.
The same should be true when you enforce your boundaries with your spouse. Saying something mean violates your boundary, and there should be an appropriate consequence. Perhaps you walk out of the room and spend the evening away from them. And then next morning you ask them to apologize if they don’t on their own. However, you don’t divorce them. If they cheat on you, divorce might be an option. But you don’t give them the death penalty for cheating.
I think you get my point.
4. To Have Boundaries in Marriage, You Must Adjust Them as Needed
If my neighborhood is getting worse and my house keeps getting broken into, I might put up a bigger fence and reinforce my front door. I might buy a safe and put my most treasured possessions in it. Likewise, if I lived in a war zone but then the war ended, and peace returned, I would take down the boards on my windows and lower my defenses.
In marriage, you must constantly be adjusting your boundaries so they remain appropriate. If things are really bad and your spouse is acting totally toxic, you need to increase the strength of your boundaries. However, if your spouse gets counseling, really works on their mental health, and repents in words and deeds of the ways they hurt you, eventually you will need to lessen your boundaries and let them back in.
A boundary can change, but it must be done so with intentionality.
Real-World Application of These Principles
Example 1:
If a husband keeps raising his voice and speaking in a disrespectful tone when he has a disagreement with his wife, she will need to set a boundary with him.
First, she needs to define it and communicate how she will enforce it. She could say to him, “When we have disagreements, you raise your voice and sound really mean. This is hurting me, and it’s not healthy for our marriage. When that happens, I’m not going to continue talking to you. And I’m only going to re-engage when you can talk to me at a normal volume and tone.”
She then needs to follow through and do this. If he blows through her boundaries and he intensifies his yelling and anger towards her, she can say, “You’re still not respecting me when we have a disagreement. If you keep coming at me even when I’m trying to walk away, and you don’t respect my boundary, I’m going to leave the house for the night until things cool off.”
If he followed her out of the house and wouldn’t let her leave or wouldn’t leave her alone, she could then call the police.
Obviously that is an extreme example. In most cases, a normal Christian man who struggles with anger when disagreeing with this wife would be able to respect her first boundary. I just wanted to show you how boundaries could progress when needed.
Example 2:
If a wife is getting too close to a male coworker for her husband’s liking, he will need to set a boundary with her.
First, he needs to define it and communicate how he will enforce it. He could say to her, “You’re making me uncomfortable by texting with Jeremy. I don’t think it’s appropriate. I trust you, but I could see me losing trust in you if you don’t start making better choices with how you interact with other men.”
A normal Christian wife would accept that she was being unwise, she would apologize to her husband, and she would stop texting her coworker. She would be more professional and realize even the appearance of being close friends with a guy is unfit for a married woman. And because she respected her husband’s boundary, he could then open back up to her. He might be a little hurt, but after a few days or weeks, he should be able to accept that nothing was truly going on and that she was simply not being wise in her interactions with another man.
But for the sake of our example, let’s play this out further. If she keeps texting Jeremy, the husband could say to her, “I’ve lost some trust in you now. By continuing this friendship with another man, you’re pushing me away from you. If you don’t stop, I can see myself really backing away from you emotionally.”
If she continues texting him, he could say, “I’m going to tell our pastor about this. I want us to receive counseling from the church.”
If she still keeps texting him, odds are she’s meeting with him too. If that was confirmed, the husband could say, “Until you respect our marriage, I’m moving out.”
If she has an affair, he would then have grounds to divorce her.
Again, a somewhat over-the-top example, but hopefully you can see how boundaries can be enforced so you can apply these four principles in your own marriage as needed.
Related Article: 3 Biblical Steps to Take if Your Marriage Is Not Improving