3 Biblical Steps to Take If You’re in a Bad Marriage that Is NOT Improving

Perhaps you feel like you’ve tried everything to improve your marriage, but nothing works. No matter what you do, the problems remain.

If that’s how you feel, here are 3 biblical principles that can guide you forward.

1. If You’re in a Bad Marriage that Is Not Improving, Do One Final Check to Really Make Sure You’ve Done What You Can

I’m not saying that everyone can always do something more to improve their marriage. Many of you reading this have truly done all you can. You’ve exhausted all the advice there is. And not only that, you’ve stuck with it, not just trying something once or twice, but for a significant period of time. If that’s you, the next three points will be more applicable to you.

However, in many cases, it feels like we’ve done all we can, yet there are many more options. Sometimes it’s our emotional exhaustion talking. While you’re saying you’ve tried everything, the truth is that you just feel like you’ve done enough. You feel like the things you’ve tried should have worked, and now you’re disappointed because they clearly haven’t.

It’s okay to feel that way. But after taking some time to grieve the fact that your past efforts didn’t work, you have to take a step back and truly assess if there’s anything else you can try. A lot of times there are other options to try, but we say to ourselves, “That won’t work!” And so we cross it off our list of things to try without actually trying it.

For example, a lot of people say, “Counseling? We tried that. It didn’t work for us.” Okay, that might be true. But seeing one counselor for a few sessions isn’t a large enough sample size. If you’ve been in counseling for over a year and you’ve tried multiple different counselors, then perhaps you can conclude counseling won’t work for you (Proverbs 21:5).

Or let’s say you’ve tried to be more intentional about praying together, nothing changes, and so then you stop praying together. The reality is, prayer isn’t a magic bullet. We tend to want the zap effect, “Zap, God fixed the problem.” Prayer is more powerful, however, when you keep doing it no matter what (1 Thessalonians 5:17).

My point is, before concluding you’ve “tried everything,” slow down, be humble, and take an honest look at the facts. Perhaps ask someone else to also assess if you’ve truly “tried everything.” Maybe an outside perspective will help you realize there actually are other things to still try before concluding you’re in a marriage that will never improve (Proverbs 15:22).

2. If You’re in a Bad Marriage That Is Not Improving, Accept This Without Becoming Hopeless

Unless a biblical reason for divorce has occurred, no matter how disappointed you are, divorce is not an option. And so, if you can’t change this situation by improving it and you can’t change it by leaving it, the only healthy option left is to accept it.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree that it’s good. I’m not saying you become happy with the problems. But as humans, inner turmoil increases the more there is a disconnect between our expectations and our reality. When you stop expecting your marriage to improve, it will actually help your heart handle the reality that it is not.

Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” One way to avoid having a sick heart because your hope keeps getting deferred is to change your hope. While I’m not encouraging anyone to give up the hope that their marriage could improve, I think for some there does come a time that they should give up the hope that it will improve.

I imagine a lot of people vehemently disagreeing with me and saying, “No, never give up hope that your marriage will get better!” I think those people are naive. Reality forces us to accept that some marriages will never get better. That’s sad, but it’s the truth. And it’s important to be able to accept the truth, even when it’s sad.

While I am saying that some people will need to accept that their marriage will never get better, I am not saying they should give up hope that their life can get better.

Your marriage may never improve, but you can improve. Your happiness can improve. Your effectiveness in living a meaningful life can improve. And most importantly, your relationship and closeness to God can improve.

Ultimately, if you’re in a marriage that is not improving, this is a stark reminder that the only true and secure hope you have is in God alone. Psalm 62:5-7 states:

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.”

3. If You’re in a Hard Marriage That Is Not Getting Better, Seek God’s Empowerment

While God won’t fix every marriage, he can empower every Christian to endure whatever trials come their way. God can always fill us with joy and peace that surpasses rational understanding, and that is not based in our earthly circumstances. Philippians 4:4-7 states:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

God doesn’t tell us to rejoice in our circumstances always. He tells us to “Rejoice in the Lord always.” While the details of our lives may often be unsatisfying to us, God can always be satisfying. God alone is the one source of joy that will never disappoint us. It’s okay to be sad about your broken marriage as long as you are still rejoicing “in the Lord.”

Lastly, this Bible verse tells us to pray about everything, which includes a broken marriage in need of being fixed. However, God does not promise to answer every prayer the way we want. These Bible verses make no promise to deliver the specific outcomes we are asking for. Rather, the promise we can count on is that when we pray about everything, “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

God has not promised to fix your marriage if you pray. He has promised to give you peace that surpasses understanding when you pray.

I pray God does fix your marriage. But I also pray you find God’s supernatural peace even if he doesn’t fix your marriage. As Philippians 4:13 states, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

You may also like: