How Persistent Should a Christian Guy Be in Pursuing a Girl If She Rejects Him at First?

Numbers 22:12-22

How persistent should a Christian guy be if a woman rejects him?

My first inclination is to tell guys to respect what she says and just move on. I hear so many stories of guys hanging on to hope when they really shouldn’t. I know women who have had guys be persistent even after she says no and eventually it got really creepy. So in most cases, I believe a guy should pursue a woman one time and clearly express his feelings for her and then he can move on one way or the other because he knows he tried.

However, I’ve heard of too many stories where a guy got rejected but kept being persistent with a woman and then it eventually worked out. I personally know two married couples where the woman originally rejected the man but the guy kept being persistent and then they eventually started dating and got married.

So in this article I will do my best to give guys some advice on “How persistent should a Christian guy be in pursuing a woman if she rejects him at first?”

1. Don’t Keep Pursuing Her If She Rejected You for Spiritual or Moral Reasons

I think the wise thing to do at first is to try to figure out why this woman has rejected you before you keep persistently pursuing her. If she is scared of commitment and doesn’t want to get hurt, then she might need you to be persistent to prove to her that you really like her and are not just playing games.

However, if she rejects your advances and gives you a moral or spiritual reason for not wanting to be with you, you should respect that. If she needs time with God or feels you are not spiritually compatible, don’t become a temptation for her. Also, if she doesn’t like your Christianity, that’s a red flag.

Sometimes persistence towards a woman is actually rebellion towards God. There’s nothing wrong with asking God if he wants you to be with a certain woman. However, when God gives you a clear “No” and then you keep pursuing God about this because you are basically demanding a “Yes,” this can become offensive to God and he might discipline you for your stubbornness.

One example like this is that of Balaam. Balaak wanted Balaam to get God to curse the Israelites. When Balaam sought God’s counsel about cursing the Israelites, God said, “You shall not go with them. You shall not curse the people, for they are blessed” (Numbers 22:12). God was not mad at Balaam for asking this question originally.

However, when Balaam came again to God with the same request even though God had given him a clear answer already, this was when Balaam started to get into trouble with God (Numbers 22:15-22). In the end, Balaam ruined himself by persistently seeking what he wanted while rejecting what God had clearly told him.

So if you are considering pursuing a woman and God gives you a clear “No” because of sin or a clear biblical reasons you two should not be together, then you are actually going to hurt yourself by being so persistent.

2. Don’t Be Persistent If She Says No and Then Truly Shows You No Interest

You will need some social maturity here. If you ask her out and she says “No” but then she makes eye contact with you one day, don’t think this changes anything. But if she starts sitting next to you at church every week and starts talking to you more, she might be conflicted inside.

My point here is that there is a strong and obvious “No” when someone really does not like you like that. If a woman avoids you in the hallway or seems annoyed when you speak to her, do not pursue her. However, if a woman rejects you when you ask her out but she continues to want to be around you and build a friendship, there could be reason to be persistent down the line.

Look at her past. Is she saying no because she really doesn’t like you or because she actually likes you so much she is afraid of getting hurt again? This is hard to know so you should be patient when trying to figure this out. Don’t be prideful and assume her “No” is not genuine. But be open to the possibility of her feelings changing if her actions towards you start changing.

Pray for wisdom. God will show you what to do if you are genuinely submitting to him (James 1:5).

3. A Guy Should Be Persistent If She Says No but She Also Says She Would Like to Get to Know Him More

One scenario that I’ve seen is when a guy asks a woman out, she declines, but she also states she would like to get to know him more. In this context she does not want to date you or be romantic at all, however, she is open to building a friendship and open to feelings building later. This often happens when the man rushes his pursuit and goes after a woman who doesn’t know him that well. Because she is guarded, she wants more time before becoming romantic (Proverbs 4:23, Song of Solomon 8:4).

If a woman leaves the door open for friendship, walk through it. Build a friendship and then if things keep progressing in the right direction, perhaps you should show some persistence and try to date her again.

My only caution here is that you should still be open to other relationships while building a friendship with this woman. Don’t wait forever for a woman who just wants to be friends. In the end, you’re not looking for a friend who’s a woman. You’re looking for a girlfriend who can become a wife. Don’t endlessly pursue a woman who only wants to be friends. Give it a few months. If nothing changes, accept she will never like you romantically. You can still be friends, but stop hoping to be with her. If you can’t move on while being friends with her, then let her know you can’t be friends anymore so you can move on properly.

4. A Guy Should Be Persistent If a Woman’s Feelings Change Towards Him

Don’t be stubborn and don’t let your ego get in the way (James 4:6). If a woman rejects you at first but then down the line starts to like you, don’t reject her just because she rejected you first.

One married couple that are friends with Bethany and I had this happen to them. The guy asked her out and she politely declined. However, over the months they became better friends just by being in the same circle of people at church. One day he went out of his way to help her with something and something clicked inside of her and she realized what a great person he is.

After awhile he sensed something had shifted with her and so he went for it again. They dated and were married shortly after that. So if the woman’s feelings change, a guy should pursue the woman again if she said “No” before.

5. A Guy Should Not Be Persistent for More Than Two Times

This is just my opinion, but I think it’s a good rule of thumb for a guy to not be persistent more than twice. If a guy pursues a woman in a clear way and she reject him twice, I believe he’s pressed it far enough. After that he will most likely be perceived as a creep.

The key here for the guy is being “clear.” I’m not talking about vague and passive advances. You can be a little more persistent if you are trying subtle ways to pursue a woman. But if you have a DTR or you clearly express your interest in her and you do this more than twice, I think you are off base. You run the risk of being a creep on your second attempt. I think on your third attempt it is pretty much a guarantee you will look like a creep in most cases.

But, obviously the Bible does not give us clear commands here. So this was just my best advice on “How persistent should a guy be with a woman?” In the end, do what you feel the Lord is leading you to do (Proverbs 3:5-6).

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2 thoughts on “How Persistent Should a Christian Guy Be in Pursuing a Girl If She Rejects Him at First?”

  1. Since you asked, I will answer to the best of my ability. All of your points are pretty sound, but I think I kinda disagree with your last point. I think we can both agree three is a maximum amount of times one should probably pursue another. But, I also think it depends on the manner with which you are addressing and/or confronting said woman. If you are coming towards her with a meek and humble attitude out of a sincere desire for a deepened relationship after having thoroughly examined your motives and laid everything out before the Lord, then I think maybe the girl could change her mind. However, if your coming towards her with feelings of hurt, indignation, and entitlement, then obviously that is not going to work in your favor.
    I guess to summarize, watch the condition of your heart when you pursue a lady. Give your heart to the Lord first, and be truly in love with Him, before you set to give your heart to some fallible, fallen woman, however beautiful or graceful she may be.
    Hope that helps, brothers! It is my hope for you that the Lord would give you wisdom and discernment in this very important area of yours (and my own!) life as followers of Jesus.

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