If you’re a Christian man, you already know it’s your job to pursue a woman if you like her. But how do you pursue a woman that you don’t even know?
Here are 7 tips to help you approach a woman you don’t know and talk to her.
1. Make Sure It’s Biblically Wise to Approach This Woman Before You Even Try
I’m talking to Christian single men. As a Christian man, your goal is to find a Christian woman (2 Corinthians 6:14). So in my opinion, I don’t think you should be approaching random women unless you have some reason to think they could be a Christian.
This idea of approaching a woman you don’t know and getting her to go on a date with you is more of a Hollywood myth than a likely reality. It’s highly unlikely you will meet a godly woman randomly on the street, at the gym, or at the grocery store. If you do start talking with a woman in a place like this, don’t pursue anything romantically until you know if she’s a Christian or not.
My point here is that before you employ any of the following tips in this article, make sure you are using them wisely.
2. Find a Reason to Talk to Her Besides Just Wanting to Get to Know Her
Isaac (via his servant, Genesis 24:20), Jacob (Genesis 29:10), and Moses (Exodus 2:19) all met their wives by a well. And while Jesus didn’t have any romantic interest in the Samaritan woman, he did meet her and talk with her by the well (John 4:7).
In all these instances, these men used a well as a bridge to communicate with these women. Abraham’s servant who helped find Isaac a wife asked Rebekah for a drink and used watering the camels as a test (Genesis 24:14). Jacob rolled away the stone from the mouth of the well and helped Rachel water her father’s sheep (Genesis 29:10). Moses rescued his wife from men who were harassing her and preventing her from watering her sheep and then he helped her water them (Exodus 2:17). And Jesus’ famous conversation with the Samaritan woman that ended up covering many theological topics started with Jesus’ question, “Will you give me a drink?” (John 4:7). It made logical sense for these men to talk to those women about water because there was a well there.
Boldness is needed as a man, but if you are not strategic your boldness will work against you when you approach a woman for the first time.
If you just ask for her number or if you just ask her on a date, it’s highly unlikely this will work. Even if you just walk up to her and introduce yourself and ask for her name, this is not the best approach because it immediately makes the focus on her and you.
It’s much better to approach a woman for the first time by focusing on something that makes immediate sense. This is why I encourage you to first find a reason to talk to her besides just wanting to get to know her. What is a logical reason a man would approach a woman in an environment like the one you are in besides just hitting on her? Try to make it not random by finding a way to be around and to talk to her in a natural way.
For example, if you see her at church, take note of where she normally sits and try to sit near her. Before the sermon starts, you can ask her a question about the church, “Hey, do you know if this church has any weekly Bible studies?” You could then introduce yourself and ask other follow up questions about the church that you feel she might be able to answer.
If you are at the gym and you see a woman reading a Christian book, you could approach her and ask her about the book. If you’ve read the book, then you should obviously focus on that. Then introduce yourself and ask other follow up questions.
If you are at a party and you see a woman there you’ve never met, wait until she is in a group with other people you do know. Then join that circle and start chiming in when it makes sense. As she talks and adds things, look for opportunities to ask her follow up questions to what she said.
It has to be natural. If you want to talk to her, try to place yourself in places that it would be natural for you two to talk to one another.
3. Focus Most on a Common Interest Before Focusing Directly on Her
Point 2 was about finding a reason to talk to her. Here we want to dive into the details of what you talk about.
The tendency for men who are interested in a woman is to ask them direct questions about themselves, “What’s your name? Where are you from? Are you single?” Eventually you will need to get there, but a woman will be much more open with you if you first talk about something you both have in common rather than focusing directly on personal information.
You have to remember that woman are usually guarded. When an unknown man approaches them, usually their immediate concern is their safety, both physical and emotional. They ask themselves, “What does this guy want?” Because they live in a sinful world (Ephesians 2:1-3), they have usually been pursued by men for sexual reasons all their life, thus they tend to assume you are after that too.
By finding a common interest, this gives her time to get to know you without needing to reveal anything personal. Once you have a common bond, then she will be more comfortable to talk with you going forward. As C.S. Lewis said:
“Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly ever about their Friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest.”
Start with friendship and then if things go well, work towards romance after that.
4. Ask Open-Ended Questions that Require Opinionated Responses Rather than Factual Responses
If you ask yes or no questions, it will be boring. She will feel like you are interrogating her or that she is on a job interview. As we discussed in points 2 and 3, use the common environment and common interests to launch into conversations you both find interesting.
Opinions are more interesting than facts. So ask for her opinion by starting your questions with phrases like, “What do you think about…” or “How do you feel about…” or “What do you like/dislike about…”
And don’t be afraid to disagree with her by sharing an opposing opinion. Of course you don’t want to be rude or give off a prideful vibe. But by disagreeing in a lighthearted way, you are showing her that you are interested in getting to know her and not just trying to get her to like you. It makes you feel more genuine.
5. Be Confident By Seeing Passivity as the Failure, Not If She Likes You or Not
This is a big topic which I hope to do a whole article about. But it’s important to touch on here when talking about approaching a woman you don’t know because for better or worse, women tend to follow the man’s lead. If you are scared, she will be scared. If you are comfortable, she will be comfortable.
The best way to be confident as a man is to have your identity rooted in Christ (Romans 2:29, 2 Corinthians 5:17). When you know you are God’s son, you won’t worry about what other people think of you.
Another important tip is to redefine what a victory or failure is. Instead of her disliking you being a failure, redefine “failure” as being passive. If you try and aren’t passive, you didn’t fail. If you are too concerned with every little interaction, you will be paralyzed with fear.
6. End the Conversation in a Way that Invites Additional Low-Commitment Conversations and Interactions
Think of building a connection with a woman as a marathon and not a sprint. You don’t need to ask for her number the first time you meet her.
If you are going to see her around, simply end your first conversation with her in a casual way that leaves the door open for future interactions. Next time you see her, approach her again and keep the conversation going. If you sense she is enjoying these interactions as much as you, then ask her on a date or to spend one-on-one time.
If you may never see her again for some reason, you could hand her a piece of paper with your number on it and say, “It was great talking to you. If you ever want to meet up for coffee to get to know each other more, give me a call.” If you directly ask her for her number, she will probably reject you. By giving her your number, she will have time to think about it and give you a call if she’s interested.
If she doesn’t seem interested, continue to be kind if you see her again, but don’t put effort into stopping and talking to her if she doesn’t seem interested. You can move on and let it go.
7. Don’t Be Afraid to Make It Obvious that You Like Her. If a Woman Likes You, She Will Be Excited When It Seems You Like Her Too
While you don’t want to be too forward and you want to guard your heart (and hers) by taking it slow (Proverbs 4:23, Song of Solomon 8:4), you also don’t want to be afraid of sending her signs that you actually do like her.
If she likes you too, she will be happy if she senses you like her. By revealing your feelings a little by seeming happy to see her and talking to her more than you do to other women, you are giving her the opportunity to reveal her feelings about you too. If she’s not reciprocating, move on. If she is, pursue her more.
Related Article: 5 Biblical Phrases that Make a Woman Feel Loved
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