How to Stop Wondering If Every New Christian Single You Meet Will Be Your Future Spouse

the one
Colossians 3:2

How can you stop wondering if every new Christian single you meet will be your future spouse? It’s very common for Christian singles who want to be married to instantly “size up” each new person they meet that seems datable. Most Christian singles, however, wish they did not always do this when they meet someone new.

When you instantly jump to marriage possibilities in your mind every time you meet someone new, it creates all kinds of problems. You will start acting strange because of all the pressure associates with, “Is this the one God has for me?” You will probably not act like yourself. It will probably be hard to build a friendship with these thoughts in your mind. And overall Christians usually feel guilty when these types of thoughts always happen because usually the person knows this is a sign of idolizing marriage.

So again, how can you stop thinking that every new Christian you meet might be your future spouse?

Put Your Desire for Marriage in Its Rightful Place If You Want Your Relationship Thoughts to Be Balanced

It’s not wrong to want to be married, but if you are a Christian single who is idolizing marriage and you want to be married more than you want God, this is the problem. When your desire for marriage is running your life, this will overflow into your thought life. You won’t be able to stop unwanted relationship thoughts every time you meet a new Christian single person if you are idolizing marriage in your heart.

For the sake of not repeating myself, however, I will refer now to some other resources if you are struggling with idolizing relationships and marriage.

How to Be Content in Christian Singleness

Is It Wrong to Want to Be Married?

3 Signs You Are Idolizing Relationships

Don’t Try to “Not Think” About This Person Being Your Future Spouse. Focus on What You Should Think When You Meet a New Person

In general, whenever you have unwanted thoughts, the key is not to focus on “not thinking” about something. Not thinking is not possible. Thinking is like breathing. If you stop, you’re dead.

So the key is to focus on thinking about the right things. Since you can’t “not think” you must work to think about the things that are good. For example, Paul didn’t just say to avoid evil thoughts. He said:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8)

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)

So if you want to avoid thinking about whether or not this new person you just met will become your future spouse one day, the key is to replace these thoughts with thoughts you do want to have. So what should you think about when you meet someone new?

In general, you should focus on how you can serve this person and be an example of Christ to them. Rather than think, “Is this person the right age for me to marry him? Does he look the right way? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he a Christian?” you can replace these thoughts with, “How can I show the love of Christ to this person? How can I serve this person? How can I be a good sister in Christ to this person?”

When you see all people as service opportunities rather than as “datable or not datable” then your thoughts about your relationship possibilities with this person won’t have the opportunity to pop.

I remember struggling with these types of thoughts when I was single. God helped me overcome them by helping me learn to see all women, whether 50 years old or 25 years old, as a sister in Christ whom God wants me to serve as a man of God. When I focused on treating all women the same – with respect and trying to help in any way I could – this freed me from treating “datable” single women differently and it helped me correct my thinking.

Engage in the Present Rather Than Think About the Future

One of the best ways to avoid certain unwanted thoughts is to focus on actions. When you are physically doing something you are forced to live in the moment because you are forced to use your mind on performing your physical actions.

This is why some people love working out or playing sports. When they say it is “freeing” it means their minds are not thinking about other things in their lives because they are so focused on their present tasks. People love hobbies because when they are building a model plane, knitting, painting, or rock climbing, they are forced to “not think” about certain thoughts from their life and they are forced to focus on the hobby.

Likewise, if you focus on engaging in the present moment when you meet someone new this will help you not think about the possibility of dating and marrying this person one day. Listen to what they are saying. Ask good questions. Actually engage in the moment. When you do this you will be free from unwanted thoughts.

Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters.” (1 Timothy 5:2)

Assume This Person Is Not the One Because Statistically that Is Far More Likely

One way to stop wondering if this new person you just met will turn into your future spouse one day is to start assuming every new Christian single you meet will not be your spouse one day. When you really think about it, it makes a lot more sense to make this assumption than the assumption that you just met your future spouse.

If you do get married one day, you will marry one person. How many single Christians around your age will you meet before meeting your future spouse? 500, 1000, 5000? My point is that it is logical to assume that when you meet an eligible Christian single like yourself, this person is not the one God has for you. So if you want to overcome the thoughts of constantly sizing up every single person you meet to see if they are “the one,” you could start assuming everyone you meet is not the one because most likely they are not.

And then when you do meet the one and you assume this person is not the one because that’s what you always assume, you will be pleasantly surprised. If you assume that everyone you meet will not be your future spouse one day, this will free you to act normal, develop more natural friendships with a wide range of people with no expectations, and thus you will actually be creating a much better environment to actually meet the one God has for you.

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Mark Ballenger is the writing ministry of Mark Ballenger. To reach Mark, send him an email anytime:

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