It’s clear in Scripture that God does call some people to a life of singleness. But one error I believe many people make is that they come to believe God wants them single because they have a deep wound in their heart that makes them fearful of trying to love again.
There are many good biblical reasons to pursue singleness. But the fear of love is not one of them. If God wants you single, it won’t be because you are reacting to a wound from a previous relationship. Even if God does want you single, he still wants to heal you of past wounds. But in most cases, God wants to heal you from past relationship wounds so you can meet the one he does want you to marry for his glory.
So here are 3 things that often happen to people who are in need of deep healing from a wound that is keeping them single.
1. If Your Relationship Opportunities Keep Ending for the Same Reason Over and Over Again, Oftentimes This Occurs Because of a Deep Wound Inside of You
It certainly is possible to experience a bad thing more than once for no fault of your own. I’m not saying that repeated trials and hardships that keep popping up in your life are your own doing. What I am saying is that sometimes the very thing we fear the most is the exact thing we end up causing to happen over and over again to ourselves.
For example, if you are deathly afraid of someone leaving you, your fear of being left will put so much pressure on this person that it will make them want to leave. If you are afraid of being lied to, the pressure you put on someone to tell you everything all at once will make them want to alter the truth so it will feel like to you that they are telling you everything when in reality they are not because they don’t trust you enough yet for that. Or perhaps you are so afraid of being disrespected by someone you are actually the one who is quick to lash out and strike first, thus you push people away because you are disrespecting them first.
The point I’m making is that it is statistically unlikely that your relationships are all just randomly ending for the same reason over and over again. The common denominator in our relationships with different people is always ourselves. When our hearts are sick, we will do things that don’t make sense. Jeremiah 17:9 states, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” When your heart is sick you will do confusing and hurtful things you don’t understand. God needs to give you a new heart through the gospel and heal your brokenness. As Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) states, “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.”
These truths are important for much greater reasons than being single or not. If our hearts are sinful and broken, we won’t be able to honor God. But when it comes to relationships, these wounds will also negatively affect us there too.
So if you are finding yourself continually ending relationships for the same reason, this could be a sign that you are living from a deep wound within yourself that is keeping you single.
2. If Your Pain Is Making You Say Things to Yourself That Are Keeping You From Even Trying to Love Someone, This Is Often a Sign of a Deep Wound Within You
I often see things in the comment sections of these videos that make me sad. So often people say negative things about themselves based upon past experiences. But what is really sad is that these negative comments about yourself will actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy in your life.
For example, people say things like, “I know I will be single forever. Every relationship I’ve ever had has ended badly.” Or, “I’ve been single for three years and haven’t had any interest from anyone. I know I will be single forever.” Or, “I already blew it with the love of my life. I know there will never be anyone like that person again so I know I will be single forever.”
Negative self-talk will never do you any good. All it does is solidify lies Satan is feeding you. It causes you to lose motivation and stop trying before you even started. I would never claim to know anyone’s future. Only God knows your future. But I can say with confidences that it is extremely rare for anyone to meet someone when they refuse to believe it is possible to meet someone. People with this belief are almost always sealing their fate. To meet someone, you have to at least believe it is possible for you to meet someone.
When Paul was talking about himself, he recalled his former life of sin that disqualified him from being an apostle. But he also knew that God’s grace overrules his past. In 1 Corinthians 15:9-10, he said, “For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain.”
Maybe you really are unworthy to receive a godly relationship. In a way, we all are unworthy because of our sins. But that doesn’t mean you can’t receive a godly relationship as a gift from God. It just means you can’t earn it from God. But God can give it to you still by grace.
If your wounds are telling you negative things that would keep you from even trying to get into a relationship, this is a sign God needs to heal you of a deep wound which is keeping you single.
3. If a Broken Relationship Ended Up Hurting Your Relationship With God Too, This Is a Sign a Deep Wound Within You Is Keeping You Single
People ask me all the time, “Mark, it’s great that you make all these articles about relationships. But why don’t you talk about other topics more?” Well, first off there are lots of churches giving people a well-balanced biblical diet. But a website channel is not a church and doesn’t need to replace the role of a church in giving people a well-rounded biblical education. I try to support the local church by adding the type of information that can’t be talked about week after week from the pulpit because that’s not the call of church. But a YouTube channel and a website can be niche like mine and very helpful.
And perhaps one day I will broaden my topics, but right now I just see this massive hole in so many Christian single’s hearts that started from a broken relationship but then it moved even deeper to hurt their relationship with God.
Romantic relationships are not the most important thing to God. Marriage is truly important and was created by God for his glory. It manifests to a lost world how Christ loves his church (Ephesians 5:22-33). But marriage is not the most important thing to God. But one reasons I feel called to talk so much about relationship advice for Christian singles is because so many singles are pulled away from God because of bad relationships. Our relationship with God is the most important thing ever. And our human relationships are intended to help our relationship with God and bring him glory. But in sin and because of this broken world, the opposite often happens. Relationships are often used to bring dishonor to God and are used to pull people away from Christ.
If that has happened to you, repent, and turn back to the source of true love. No human relationship can ever fill you in the ways that your heart truly needs. Relationships are meant to help your walk with God and bring him glory.
So if a broken human relationship has hurt your walk with God and made you doubt his love for you, it’s time to let that lie go and turn back to Christ. He wants to heal you and equip you to use blessings (like relationships) in the way that he designed them to be used: for your good and his glory. As Matthew 22:36-40 states:
‘Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?’ And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.’”