The Real Reason Many Christian Single Men Lack Confidence

Something strange is happening among Christian single men right now.

Many Christian men love God. They read their Bible. They go to church.

But when it comes to confidence, particularly in their relationships with women, many of them feel hesitant, unsure, and sometimes even afraid.

And here’s the shocking part. In most cases, the church doesn’t even see the problem. They wonder why single men aren’t pursuing women anymore, but they have no idea that a lack of male confidence is the main problem. In fact, many churches are teaching single men to believe that their lack of confidence is actually spiritual humility.

But what if that’s not humility at all? What if something else is going on?

In this article, we’re going to talk about why so many Christian single men struggle with confidence—and what the Bible actually says about it. Because the truth is, God never designed men to live timid, passive lives.

And later in this video, in point 3, I’m going to show you one hidden reason many Christian men lose their confidence—and it’s something many churches rarely talk about.

1. Many Christian Men Lack Confidence Because the Church Has Not Taught Them that They Should Be Confident

To be clear, there certainly is a worldly confidence that godly men should avoid. This type of confidence is really just pride. Pride is a belief that we are better and more important than other people. So Christian men should reject this form of confidence.

However, throughout the Bible, we are routinely taught that we should avoid being timid, fearful, and passive as men; instead, we should be bold, courageous, and proactive. In other words, God actually wants us to be confident!

• 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
• Hebrews 10:35-36, “Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.”
• Hebrews 13:6, “So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”

Don’t reject all forms of confidence as a man. The opposite of worldly confidence is not insecurity. Being hesitant is not the same thing as being humble. The main difference between worldly confidence and godly confidence is that worldly confidence is rooted in yourself while godly confidence is rooted in Christ. Psalm 27:3, “Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.”

Therefore, the reason so many Christian men lack confidence these days is because they have been taught that all forms of confidence is bad; when in reality, there is a form of confidence that is absolutely biblical. God actually wants you to be confident. He wants you to be bold, strong, and ready to pursue what you want (if those desires are from him). The real key is to make sure this confidence is flowing from your identity in Christ and not in yourself.

As Paul said with confidence, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

2. There Is a Confidence Crisis Because Many Christian Men Confuse Humility With Being Humiliated

One of the biggest misunderstandings in the church is what humility actually means. I love how C.S. Lewis put it, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”

Christian man lack confidence because they have been wrongly taught that lacking confidence is the same thing as being humble. But nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, to actually exercise true biblical humility, you first need to have a healthy self-respect.

Why? Because true humility is not about being lower than others, being worse, or actually be the biggest loser in the group who deserves to be last because of inability. Rather, true humility is about choosing to put aside your rights for the benefit of someone else. To be truly humble, you have to know your worth so you can choose to put it aside.

If you just have a low view of yourself, you can’t be humble because you are then unable to choose to put someone above yourself. You’re not being humble. You’re just living under an oppressive humiliation. Low self-esteem places you at the bottom. Biblical humility is when you choose to put yourself at the bottom because you are a servant leader like Christ (Mark 10:35-45)

This is why Jesus is the humblest man who has ever walked the earth. He isn’t the humblest because he is the biggest loser. He is the humblest because he has the most strength and worth, and yet he chose to put others above himself (John 13:1-20). As Philippians 2:3-11 states:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Therefore, there is a confidence crisis among Christian men because they have been taught a false humility. To be truly humble, you must also be truly confident. When you know who you are in Christ, that you are God’s son, and you are totally secure with yourself because you know you are secure in Christ, then you can be truly humble too. You can put others before yourself by choice, in sacrificial love, and not because you think you’re actually worse than everyone else.

Remember, as C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”

3. There Is a Confidence Crisis Among Christian Men Because There Is a Hidden Sin Crisis Among Christian Men

When a man knows he is living in secret compromise, it quietly destroys his boldness. The Bible explains this in Proverbs 28:1, “The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.” Notice the connection. Righteousness produces boldness. But guilt produces fear.

Many Christian men are secretly battling things like pornography, lust, gaming addictions, phone addictions, and spiritual laziness. And even if no one else knows, their conscience knows. That internal conflict drains confidence.

Cancel culture has made things even worse. There is such a lack of grace for men who come forward that many men just won’t. However, if you are reading this right now, be different! Choose to come clean not matter the consequences. You can never be right with other people if you are not first right with yourself. And to be right with yourself, you need to get right with God.

Talk to someone. Whoever just came to your mind when you read that statement, reach out to them immediately. Just do it. James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

When you start walking in the light, you will gain a godly confidence like you never experienced before.

4. There Is a Confidence Crisis Because Many Churches Never Teach About Biblical Masculinity

If you’ve never played basketball a day in your life, and no one has explained the rules to you, and you’ve never even seen others play it before, but then you were thrown into a game with thousands of people watching you, it would be impossible to have confidence.

Likewise, if you don’t have any clue what it means to actually be a man according to the Bible, how can you be a confident godly man?

1 Corinthians 16:13 says, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”

That phrase “act like men” can only be applied to your life if you first know what the Bible says about masculinity. There is a confidence crisis among men right now because there is a lot of gender confusion in our culture right now. And, sadly, this has seeped its way into the church. Many men don’t even know how much toxic feminism has totally warped their view of themselves.

That’s one of the reasons I wrote my new book, Masculinity on Mission: Reclaim What God Intended for Your Manhood. In this book, you will learn:

• How modern man has been emasculated
• Why Christian men start out passionate, but slowly slip back into sin
• What is your purpose as a man according to the Scriptures
• Why you must have enemies
• How to pursue a woman and love her well
• How to serve God, family, and country
• What it means to be a man on mission for Christ

After each easy-to-read chapter, there are reflection questions and assignments that can be used for individuals or small groups.

God has an important mission for each man. Sadly, few men experience the joy of responding to this call. Don’t let your life slip by. We are here only for a moment. Be on mission.

Click here to learn more about this book!