Right from the start, I want to clarify that I’m not saying it’s wrong to ask God for specific qualities in a spouse. The Bible routinely calls us to ask God for things we desire (Matthew 7:7-11). For example:
- Maybe you have a strong passion for a specific type of ministry. It wouldn’t be wrong to ask God for a spouse who would share in that passion.
- Maybe you are very attracted to a particular look. It wouldn’t be wrong to ask God for a spouse who appeals to your attraction.
- Maybe you have some fears about particularly toxic traits because of the ways you’ve been hurt in the past. It wouldn’t be wrong to ask God for a spouse who doesn’t have those traits.
With that said, some people can do themselves more harm than good by getting too specific in their prayer requests for a spouse. That’s what we will explore in the next four points.
1. When You Get Too Specific in Your Prayers for a Spouse, You Might Start Trying to Lead God Rather than Following Him
Prayer is less about telling God what you want and more about learning what God wants. Yes, you should present your requests to God. But you must also spend even more time praying for a willing heart to submit to God’s will for your life.
As Jesus prayed in Luke 22:42, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” Notice Jesus’ emphasis on God’s will. He certainly does present his own request, but he is even more careful to pray for the strength to submit to the Father’s will rather than his own.
This must be the balance in our prayer lives too. When you pray for a spouse, you should ask God for the things you want. But more than that, you should pray that God gives you the power to follow his will for your life.
Prayer isn’t ultimately about trying to conform God to our will. Rather, prayer is when we give God the opportunity to shape our wills in conformity to his.
Isaiah 64:8, “But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
2. When You Get Too Specific in Your Prayers for a Spouse, You Might Start Believing Your Plan Is Better than God’s Plan
When you listen to mature Christian married couples, you will often hear them say they thought they knew what they wanted in a spouse, but God knew better. So often God’s choice for us is not who we would have chosen for ourselves (Isaiah 55:8-9).
I’m not saying you will be required to marry someone you don’t want to. Rather, I’m saying that when you let go of your list of demands for a spouse and start spending more energy seeking God’s guidance, you might end up meeting, dating, and marrying someone you never would have expected. But you will also love them far more than you realized was possible (Ephesians 3:20-21).
3. When You Get Too Specific in Your Prayers for a Spouse, You Might Mislead Yourself
While you should ask God for signs that will lead you to marry the right person, we often become too demanding in this area. Instead of asking God to help you take the right step forward, you might start expecting God to tell you the distant future before it happens, which is not God’s normal way of leading us.
When you ask God for specific clues about your future spouse rather than looking for biblical traits, you might start making odd choices. For example, if you ask God to tell you the name of your future spouse before you even meet this person, you will start rejecting everyone who doesn’t have that name you think God told you. If you ask God to give you a spouse with specific hair color, you might start ignoring the person God actually has for you if they have a different hair color.
Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Nowhere in this passage does it say that God will reveal your future. Rather, it states that God will actually straighten the path you are on.
God is so sovereign that he doesn’t need us to follow his will like a tightrope walker, as though one wrong step will lead to our downfall. Rather, when we obey God’s word and seek his guidance, he will work out the details so we can’t miss his path.
4. When You Get Too Specific in Your Prayers for a Spouse, You Might Become Anxious Because You Think Your Future Marriage Happiness All Depends on You
Oftentimes the fuel behind these extremely specific prayers for a spouse is fear. When you are really anxious about not making mistakes in dating, marrying the wrong person, or missing the person God might have for you, you might try to solve these fears by asking God for everything you think you need.
This is not the biblical road to peace. Your internal joy will never be satisfied by your external circumstances (Philippians 4:4). Even if God answers every request you have for a spouse, your anxious heart will still ask for more. Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT) gives the balance we need:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
Be specific in your prayers. Ask God for what you want. But then, move on. Trust God. He never promised to answer all our prayers exactly the way we want. Rather, when we present our request to God, he promises that the peace of Christ will rule in our hearts.
