What does the Bible say to Christians who are already married to an unbeliever?
Here are 5 biblical principles for you if you are a Christian but your spouse is not.
1. If You’re Married to an Unbeliever, Remember that This Union Is Not Ideal, But God Is Sovereign and Can Still Use It
Maybe when you married them, they appeared to be a genuine Christian, but then years into your marriage, they denied Jesus and showed themselves to actually be an unbeliever.
Or perhaps you were both unbelievers when you got married, but then you got saved.
Or maybe you knew you were unequally yoked, but you willingly rebelled against God and chose to marry this person anyway, hoping that they would become a Christian later in life.
However this unequally yoked relationship originated, one way or the other, something went wrong along the way. This is not the ideal that God originally intended for his people (Genesis 2:18, 2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Corinthians 7:39).
Why is it important to first come to grips with this fact?
- First, you should accept that this is not what God originally wanted so you can grieve what you don’t have. You have to acknowledge to yourself and to God that your heart craves a marriage you don’t currently have. Without grieving this, you will never be able to then face reality and move forward with the Lord.
- Second, you should recognize that this is not God’s ideal so you have a way to explain all the challenges you will face. While understanding will not erase the pain, it does help you cope and move forward. When you think your marriage is supposed to be great but you don’t know what the problem is, despair will increase. But by acknowledging the root problem is that you are unequally yoked, you will have a greater ability to adapt and overcome this with the Lord.
- Third, by accepting this is not God’s idea, you will know you need God’s miracle-working power to enable you to function in an environment you were never designed for.
The point is, by coming to grips with the reality that your unequally yoked marriage is something that does not fit with the way God originally designed you, you are better equipped to deal with this difficult situation.
Thankfully, the Bible is full of stories of God bringing good out of situations that were far from ideal. In fact, that’s really the whole theme of the Bible. Besides Genesis 1-2, every other chapter in Scripture is one in which God helps his people through a life they were not originally designed for.
Trust God’s power to bring good out of this bad situation (Genesis 50:20).
2. If You’re Married to an Unbeliever, Remember that God Saves, Not You
As we’ll discuss in the points ahead, God wants to use you in your unbelieving spouse’s life. However, before we get to those truths, we must start with the fact that your spouse’s salvation is not your responsibility.
Ultimately, each person will be judged for whether they accept or reject Jesus. Scripture is clear that only God himself can call a soul unto himself. Jesus said in John 6:44, “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.”
This is an important truth to remember because sometimes you can start blaming yourself for not being a good enough witness to your spouse. Even if you were perfect, which you’re not, you still can’t convince your spouse to become a Christian. This is truly between them and God. You have to accept that, or you will drive yourself crazy.
Also, knowing that God is the one who can save your spouse will prevent you from putting unhelpful pressure on them to get saved. When you think it’s your sole responsibility to get your spouse saved, you will push too hard and do more damage than good, even though your intentions are good.
Third, it’s important to remember that God alone can save someone because this should motivate you to trust God for your spouse’s salvation rather than blame him. Never blame God for not saving your spouse (Romans 1:20, Proverbs 19:3).
God is always the solution. He’s never the problem.
3. If You’re Married to an Unbeliever, Remember that You Are the Primary Witness God Has Assigned to Them
We’re all called to be witnesses to unbelievers (Matthew 5:14-16); but if you are married to an unbeliever, your unbelieving spouse is your greatest responsibility in evangelism.
Relationships equal responsibility. The greater the relationship, the greater the responsibility. Since marriage is the highest bond you can have with someone, your spouse is also your greatest responsibility.
In 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Christians who are married to unbelievers are told not to get a divorce unless the unbelieving spouse wants to leave. Why? 1 Corinthians 7:14 states, “For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”
In this context, the word “holy” doesn’t mean saved. If it did, then your spouse would no longer be an unbeliever if they were still married to you. But Paul calls them an unbeliever. Rather, in this context, the word “holy” means set apart. Through the believing spouse, the unbelieving spouse (and the children) gets the blessing of participating in the community of God’s sanctified people in a way that they would not have access to without the believing spouse.1
How can you be a witness to your spouse?
4. If You’re Married to an Unbeliever, Accept Them for Who They Are. Love Them. Don’t Be Conditional
If your spouse isn’t a Christian, you obviously have a very strong desire for them to be saved. However, sometimes this passion for their salvation can get expressed in unwise ways that do more damage than good.
Yes, you should use your words. If they don’t understand why you are a Christian or they have never heard a clear presentation of the gospel, you should share this with them. 1 Peter 3:15 explains, “. . . always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect . . .”
However, sometimes a Christian spouse will start to harshly judge their unbelieving spouse. They will become impatient and forceful in their gospel presentation. They might even nag them to come to church, begging them to give Jesus a try.
Again, clearly your heart is in the right place if you’re doing something like this. But notice what 1 Peter 3:1-2 states, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
While this is directed towards wives, the principle relates to all of us. Rather than badgering your unbelieving spouse with the gospel, pushing them to become a Christian, the real path is to show them the love of Christ in a way that surpasses human understanding.
When you withhold your love and your spouse knows that you wish they were a different person, this puts up walls in their heart towards you. No one feels loved when they are only treated kindly when they do what the other person wants them to do. That’s not real love. That’s a deal, a contract – it’s conditional.
I know this is impossible in our human strength, but the best way you can witness to your unbelieving spouse is to choose to love them unconditionally, even if they never get saved. When they sense your radical acceptance and love, you will also be better positioned to witness to them.
But if they feel your pressure and constant unhappiness with them, you won’t be as bright a light to them as you could be (Colossians 4:5-6).
5. If You’re Married to an Unbeliever, Sometimes Divorce Is an Option
When your spouse isn’t a Christian, divorce might feel like the first option. However, according to Scripture, divorce should always be seen as the last option.
With that said, it’s important to highlight that Scripture does present divorce as an option in some instances. 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 explains that Christians are not free to divorce their unbelieving spouse if the unbeliever wants to stay married. But if the unbeliever wants a divorce, the believing spouse is free to get one.
In summary, this is a very hard situation. But our God is able to handle all of our hard situations. Even though this is not ideal and you will have to endure a lot of sadness because you don’t have the marriage your heart longs for, never give up on God. Trust him. He is able to redeem and create good in ways that you could never imagine. But we have to stay faithful no matter what. He loves you. Keep trusting him.
John 16:33, “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”