Most Christians agree that it’s the man’s job to pursue. However, this principle gets stated so often that we forget how hard this is for many men. As a woman, if you don’t know about some of the insecurities a man has about pursuing you, you may do things that actually prevent him from pursuing you because you are feeding these fears in him.
So here are three insecurities in a man that woman really need to know about.
1. Will I Get Rejected and Look Like a Fool?
I just read a comment on one of my past videos about a woman not pursuing a man but being more proactive and inviting towards him to encourage his pursuit. The comment from a female viewer said:
I’m sorry but I’m not pursuing no man. If he is interested, he is going to have to step up to the plate. Nothing is worse than going after a man and him telling you, ‘Sorry I have a girlfriend or I’m married.’”
What’s interesting to me is the video this comment was on was not about pursuing a man at all. It was simply about how a woman can do her part and interact with a man rather than just sitting around waiting to be found. It seems she equates any effort on her part as “pursuing a man.” I believe many women have the same response as this person who wrote this comment.
But here’s the thing, men have fears about rejection too. The woman who wrote the comment said nothing is worse than going after a man and getting rejected. This is exactly how men feel too! If you as a woman don’t realize this about men, it’s going to be very hard for you because the women who make it a little easier for guys to pursue will be the ones who get pursued.
Again, I’m not saying a woman should pursue a man. But if she is cold, disconnected, or does not respond positively to him when he does pursue, he will not keep pursuing because he has fears and insecurities too.
To help you see this point, I encourage you to flip through the Song of Solomon. It’s a back and forth of mutually expressed interest and love from both the man and woman.
2. If I Seem Too Interested and Too Nice Too Soon, Will She See Me as Weak?
As guys observe women, they make some conclusions based upon what they are seeing. I’m not saying this conclusion is correct, but many guys observe “bad boys” getting more attention from women than the “nice guys,” so they assume this means women like the guys who don’t treat them too well.
I have a different interpretation of this situation. I agree that many women do seem more attracted to the “bad boys” and less attracted to the “nice guys.” I disagree, however, that this means women like the guy who mistreats them.
Rather, I think we live in a society where many men are no longer as masculine as they once were because feminists have tried to emasculate them from a young age. But women still like masculine men regardless of what they say. So, women are not going after the bad boys because they like to get mistreated but rather because the bad boys often have more masculine energy than the nice guys.
All that to say, make sure you as a godly woman are rewarding the type of behavior you want from a man. If you want a man to treat you well, give attention to the guy who treats you well. Don’t fall for the cultural trap that nice guys are not strong guys (1 Corinthians 16:13-14).
Certainly there are some nice guys who are not strong. But just because he is nice does not mean he is not strong or masculine too.
3. Does She Like Someone Else or Is She Still Connected to Her Ex?
Men crave loyalty. They are not interested in sharing a woman’s heart with some other guy she is interested in or in her ex that she is not over yet. Song of Solomon 2:3 states, “As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.” She made it clear who she was interested in and how she felt about other guys.
As a woman, if you spend time with guy friends, this will hurt your chances of being pursued. Other men will assume you like these friends as more than a friend. Additionally, if you still talk about your ex, still seem hurt by him, or still spend time with him at all, this is a deal breaker for other men.
Just like you, they have insecurities about not being your number one choice. If you feed this fear by giving them evidence that they aren’t your first option, they will not pursue you.
