Here are 3 things a biblical woman should never do when she likes a man.
And for those of you who feel like you would benefit from intense biblical training about relationships, the deadline to enroll in AGW University will end on November 21st at 11:59pm. I’m also currently offering a $50 scholarship for anyone who enrolls before this deadline. For more information, feel free to click here.
1. Never Think You Can Change Him
It’s wise to look at man’s potential when it comes to things like being a father one day, growing in his career, and developing into a leader in the community. But never look at a man’s spiritual potential. Only look at a man’s spiritual maturity that is present right now.
Many Christian women are extremely compassionate and gracious. But their kindness can often be used against them when they begin to think they can take a nice unbelieving man and infuse into him the biblical qualities that will make a godly husband. This never works. Certainly by grace, godless people become godly by the power of the gospel. But this never occurs because another human is willing it to happen.
Don’t fall for the trap of “potential.” No one becomes a biblical Christian because of developing undeveloped potential. We all become followers of Christ because of the supernatural regenerating power of the Holy Spirit, and you have no control over the Spirit going into this man and changing him. As Jesus said in John 3:6-8, which states:
That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.”
You can not predict the Spirit’s work based upon perceived potential in a man. When it comes to looking for a husband, the Bible requires you to look at the man as he is right now and not at what he could be one day. 1 Corinthians 7:39 states, “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” It doesn’t say she can marry someone who might be a Christian one day. He must be “in the Lord” right now.
Don’t think you can change him. You can’t. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. And that process is completely outside of your control.
2. Never Plant Seeds of Doubt About Your Loyalty
I was recently email coaching with one of my AGW University students and she was asking me why I thought this man she was talking to suddenly backed away from her. She then told me that she was attempting to motivate him to pursue her faster by letting him know she wasn’t waiting around and that she was open to other men pursuing her.
I think it is right that a woman should not wait for a man who is not pursuing her. She should be open to other men if this one guy is delaying his pursuit. But if you verbalize this to a man, it will not motivate him to pursue you faster. It will tell him you are not that interested in him and that he should move on.
Competition doesn’t motivate a man in relationships. Loyalty motivates him. I’m not saying that you should commit to a man who isn’t committing to you. I’m not saying you should be loyal to a man who doesn’t yet deserve your loyalty. It’s right for a woman to guard her heart and not put too much hope in a guy so early in the relationship.
But know this: a man’s heart craves exclusivity with a woman. When a single man dreams about his future wife, one of the defining characteristics he imagines her to have is loyalty. If a man ever has any questions about a woman’s loyalty towards him compared to her loyalty towards other men, that man will not commit long-term to this woman until his questions are thoroughly answered. Ruth, for example, was a loyal woman. In Ruth 1:16-17, she said to Naomi:
Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”
Notice what Boaz said to her in Ruth 2:11, “All that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband has been fully told to me . . . .” Boaz saw a woman with the quality of loyalty. This made him think highly of her.
All that to say, when you like a man, you do not want to do anything that would plant seeds of doubt about your loyalty to him. Again, I’m not saying you need to express loyalty to him or promise him a future that you should not promise. But if you talk about being with other guys or you talk about past relationships too much or you seem uninterested in settling down with one man right now, a Christian man who is looking for a wife will look elsewhere.
I’m sure a Christian woman would feel the same way about a man who is planting seeds of doubt. But I just know this is a big issue for guys.
3. Never Expect Less of Him Than What You Know the Bible Requires of Him
As a biblical woman, you don’t need to put any pressure on a guy to be something more than he is because every Christian man is already under the Bible’s requirements for him. Therefore, don’t make demands of a man, but do expect him to honor the Bible’s demands on him.
Never expect less of a man than you know he is capable of. I’m not saying you should nag him when you see him failing (Proverbs 21:9). But don’t let him off the hook by setting for his apathetic obedience to God.
Again, you can’t make him obey God. But you can refuse to tolerate being with a man like this. When a guy knows you would never waste your time with a godless man, he will feel respected by you when you give him your time because he will know you see him as a godly man who has a heart to please Jesus. Your standards for yourself will be validation to him that you respect him as a godly man.
But if he is living beneath God’s call on his life, don’t entertain a relationship with him. It’s not good for you nor for him when you accept a man who has accepted a low view of himself. Notice how the Proverbs 31 woman chose a husband who was worthy of respect, “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land,” (Proverbs 31:23, NIV).
In love, never settle for a man who is settling for less than God’s best for himself.
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