After years of helping Christian singles with relationships, I’ve had thousands of interactions via comments, emails, coaching, book reviews, Q&As, and in-person interactions. And what I’ve learned is that everyone certainly has a unique story. However, if I had to choose the top 3 most common reasons why some Christians struggle to get into relationships, here’s how I would answer that.
And to be clear, please don’t think I’m saying these are your issues. You may not struggle with any of these things. And I also am not saying that if you want to be married but you’re not, that this means you are also always doing something wrong. There are certainly times when it’s just not God’s will. These three things are just the most common reasons I’ve seen for why many Christian singles struggle to get married, even when they really want to.
Also, in case you haven’t heard, there are only a few more days to enroll in my relationship training program at AGW University. For more information about these biblical courses specifically designed for Christian singles who want to glorify the Lord in marriage one day, click here to learn more before the 11/24/25 deadline.
1. Many Christians Struggle to Get Married Because They Expect Too Much from a Relationship
Many have a deep ache that they imagine can only be filled by “the one” God has for them. And in a way, they’re not wrong. Throughout the Scriptures, it’s very clear that God designed most men and women to thrive best with a spouse by their side (Genesis 2:18). God never condemns Christian singles for wanting to be married. He encourages people who have a strong desire for marriage to act on those desires because marriage is a very good thing (1 Corinthians 7:36).
And yet, sometimes, Christian singles go too far. They lay awake at night imagining how much better everything would be if they could simply get married. They would finally have that best friend who understands them, who would always say the right thing, who would share the same hobbies, and so on.
While these are not unreasonable demands, they are also too rigid. When you actually get married, you realize how unstable all humans actually are. We all say hurtful things sometimes. None of us agrees on everything. Men and women often are way different from what we expect.
The point is, somehow, someway, many Christian singles expect too much from relationships, and because of this, they are always looking for something that doesn’t exist. They remain single far longer than they want because they are looking for a mythical creature that is only found in fairytales and Hollywood.
The less you need a relationship to be happy, the happier you can be in a relationship. The less fulfilled you feel when you are alone, the more unfilled you will feel when you are with others. Ironically, the less you expect from a relationship, the more you can enjoy one. When you stop worrying so much about what someone can’t be to you, you are then free to enjoy what they can be to you.
Perhaps this is why Jesus tells us to put him first, and then all things will be added unto you (Matthew 6:33). Even if you received everything you could ever want, if you did not have Christ first in your life, those things would leave you totally unfilled.
2. Many Christians Struggle to Get Married Because They Take Too Much Time to Get Over Someone They Will Never Marry
I believe God will tell you who to marry. However, I believe he will do this through a wise process. Most Christian singles, however, don’t know how to follow this process. Instead, they have an oversimplified understanding of who God is telling them to marry.
I’m not saying God can’t or never will just say, “Hey, that person you just met, that is actually your future spouse.” But I am saying that is not normally what he does. And even if he does do that, he will also, always, use other clearer methods to confirm that you are actually going to marry that person.
The reason I’m saying all of this is because many Christian singles believe God told them who they would marry, and then they hold onto that word even when the biblical process of finding their spouse disproves that they heard God correctly.
In other words, it’s very dangerous to assume you heard the audible voice of God tell you who you would marry, even though you lack biblical evidence, because then you feel justified to make unwise choices to try to make this relationship work. You may compromise and sin because you think this is your future spouse. Or you may just wait for years, perhaps decades, even though this person is actually not your future spouse.
Another form of this occurs when two Christians date but then break up, and then it takes way too long for you to heal and move on. I’m not saying it’s your fault that you are still hurting and missing this person. I’m just saying that sometimes when you idolize someone and put your hope for happiness in them rather than in God, you end up getting stuck.
Sometimes you have to choose to move on even when you don’t feel like it. Usually, feelings follow our choices, but most people let their feelings lead. This creates a very passive lifestyle.
All that to say, one of the most common reasons some Christians get stuck in prolonged singleness, even though they want to be married, is that they get into unhealthy cycles of having huge expectations, which are then followed by long seasons of grieving disappointments that then occur.
The solution here is to not let this cycle start in the first place. Never assume you know the future. Just live wisely in the present with the Lord. You can be hopeful about the future, but don’t let yourself think you know who your future spouse is until you two are actually engaged and headed towards marriage. Before that, use the biblical process to find the one.
What is that process? Well, it’s the same process all Christians are meant to follow when they want to know God’s will about anything. It includes three things. God’s word, the Spirit speaking to you in your heart, and the circumstances in your life.
I talk a lot more about this in my book called The One: How to Know and Trust God’s Sovereign Plan for Your Future Marriage. And for those who enroll in AGW University before the 11/24/25 deadline, you not only get this book, but also six more of my books. At AGW University, I offer my most intensive biblical relationship training for Christian singles who want to glorify the Lord in marriage one day. If you want to try something different to get different results, feel free to click here to learn more about this program.
3. Many Christians Struggle to Get Married Because They Don’t Meet Enough Christian Singles in the Regular Flow of Their Lives
I remember coaching one of my students in the past who wanted to know why she was struggling to meet a godly man. As I started to ask her questions, she began to see the issue for herself:
“Are you deeply involved in a local church?”
“No.”
“Do you have a lot of Christian friends?”
“No.”
“Are you serving with other Christians on a weekly or monthly basis?”
“No.”
“Are you a part of Bible study?”
“No”
“Okay. Is there any way in your weekly routine where you regularly interact with any Christian single men?”
“No.”
As she started to see for herself, one of the main reasons she had struggled to get into a relationship with a Christian man was that she rarely met any Christian single men. It sounds overly simplistic, but the truth is, one of the main reasons Christian singles remain single is because they are not social enough. They go to work, they spend time with all the same old family and friends, and there are simply not many opportunities to build a connection with people that could blossom into something more.
Now, one reason many Christian singles have this issue is that they think there is no solution. They often say things like, “Well, I’ve tried meeting people before at church and it doesn’t work.” Or, “Online dating is terrible. I had a really bad experience and I’ll never do that again.” Or, “My area is very secular. I’m the only Christian in this whole city!”
I’m not here to deny that it’s hard out there. But I also want to highlight that for every person struggling to meet someone, there are others getting into relationships. I’m not trying to pour salt in the wound here! I’m simply highlighting the fact that relationships are still possible these days, even if it feels like they’re not. We must choose wise paths (Ephesians 5:15-17).
And that’s why I started AGW University. Many Christian singles need a mindset shift. Often, it’s our core beliefs that prevent us from missing the opportunities God provides us.
If you’re wondering whether this program could be a good fit for you, I want to give you all the information you need to make the right decision, because honestly, many of you are not ready for AGW University or simply don’t need it. But many of you do need this and are ready for it. To see if you would benefit, click here!
