Here are 5 ways to have better conversations more often in your marriage.
1. Accept that Silence Is Not a Sign There’s a Problem
I recently received an email from a newlywed couple who are struggling because they don’t know what to talk about anymore. They are uncomfortable in the silence, and they want to have exciting conversations like they did before they were married.
While I can appreciate that, I also think the first step to having great conversations in marriage more often is to accept that silence isn’t bad. When you’re dating, you don’t live together and see each other all the time like you do when you’re married. You also don’t know each other fully yet, so the discovery phase makes it easier to have fresh conversations more often. When you get married, those variables begin to change.
And that’s not bad! In fact, when a couple can sit in silence together and know that there’s not a problem, it’s actually a sign of a really healthy relationship. It shows that they are secure in their love for one another and aren’t constantly questioning each other’s commitment and feelings.
Some spouses actually learn to feel really connected by doing things in the same room while not talking at all. If one person is reading a book while another person is working on their computer, they can still feel like they are spending time together even though no words are spoken. Men, in particular, enjoy this type of connection.
Think of your relationship with God. While Scripture tells us to talk with him, it also tells us to sit in silence with him (Psalm 62:5). When you’re with the one you love, just being in their presence is enough. Yes, you need to talk, but not all the time.
Also, it’s important to realize that silence is not always a sign of a problem because sometimes problems actually do arise simply because you believe there is a problem. In other words, when you interpret silence as a problem, you will act like there’s a problem when there’s silence. And then, when you feel like there’s a problem, that actually hurts your ability to have stress-free conversations.
Forcing conversation makes it worse. By letting energy and interest build in silence, you’re laying a solid foundation for future talks. Always burning the fuel as soon as you get a little bit leads to short conversations. By letting the fuel build up, you can have longer conversations now and then.
As Ecclesiastes 3:7 states: there is “a time to keep silence, and a time to speak”.
2. Be Intentional
There’s a false belief among many married people that it’s wrong to be intentional. They think that if it’s planned, it must be forced, unromantic, and that one person doesn’t really care enough because it’s not spontaneous.
But the reality is that if you want something you don’t have, it’s childish to just pout and complain until you get it. A more mature way to handle this unmet desire is to communicate it and develop a plan to address it.
For example, in most cases, the spouse who feels they need more conversations is the wife. She feels that her husband doesn’t talk enough and that her conversational needs aren’t being met. She might tell him this, and he wants to do better, but after a week or two, things seem to always go back to the way they were.
While she did the right thing by communicating her needs, she would do better by developing a plan with her husband to help them both satisfy their needs. Philippians 2:4, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
A desire without a plan is just a hope. A desire with a plan becomes a goal. We hope for things that are outside of our control. Goals, however, are partly in our control. They are things we can actually help accomplish!
For example, when Bethany and I were newly married, we prayed every day together. But to be honest, over the years, this became too repetitive and forced. It started to feel like a religious duty. Now we pray short prayers every day, but on Monday morning we get up early and have an extended prayer time. And before we pray, we talk about what’s going on in each other’s lives, what this week looks like, and who else we need to pray for. The whole process takes about an hour.
When your life gets busy, you can’t prioritize your schedule. Rather, you need to schedule your priorities.
As Ephesians 5:15-16 states, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time . . ..”
3. Be Intentional About Creating Common Interests
When you’re married, this relationship should be a mix between romance and friendship. However, we need to realize that romance and friendship have different needs. As C.S. Lewis in his book, The Four Loves, states:
. . . we can have erotic love and friendship for the same person yet in some ways nothing is less like a Friendship than a love-affair. Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly ever about their friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends side by side, absorbed in some common interest.”
When you focus too much on the romance of the relationship, you will easily run out of things to talk about because your focus will be on each other. Your relationship isn’t a big enough topic to have endless conversations about. Now and then, you should share your feelings for each other, but when this happens too often, it becomes smothering and unenjoyable.
Thus, if you want to have a great, ongoing conversation with your spouse, you need to tap into the ingredients that create dialogue between friends. Common interests are the key! Here are a few ideas:
- Have movie night once a week. But after the movie, you both are going to give your thoughts about the characters, about what lessons you could learn from it, what spiritual correlations you can see, and what you did or didn’t like.
- Choose a book to read together. Once a week, you will discuss a chapter, what you liked, didn’t like, learned, want to apply, or didn’t understand.
- You can sign up for a common hobby or a service project. The more you experience together, the more you will have to talk about later.
Be creative. Come up with things that you both would want to do together. Amos 3:3 (NLT), “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” If you want to go in the same direction in a conversation, you need to find common interests you both enjoy that create agreement between you, which will spark conversation.
4. Involve Other People
One benefit of having friends is that they can help you and your spouse connect in fresh ways. When it’s just the two of you, you will naturally fall into a rhythm. That’s what humans do. But when you invite other people in, they change the variables in the room. And these new variables will help you and your spouse connect with each other in fresh ways, too. For example:
- If you have a game night with friends, some of your friends might be extra goofy, and they might unlock a certain goofiness in your spouse you don’t get to see that much.
- Perhaps your small group will have different opinions about a topic that will cause your spouse to share different thoughts you’ve never heard from them.
- When you go out to dinner with another couple, four mouths will cause a lot more words than just two. But you’re all communicating together, which will help you and your spouse feel more connected.
Again, as C.S. Lewis said in his book, The Four Loves:
If one who was first, in the deep and full sense, your Friend, is then gradually or suddenly revealed as also your lover, you will certainly not want to share the Beloved’s erotic love with any third. But you will have no jealousy at all about sharing the Friendship. Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had; to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travelers on the same quest, have all a common vision.”
Romans 12:4-5, “For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.”
5. Stop Asking Your Spouse to Perform and Fill You
Lastly, sometimes the reason conversation is stalling in a marriage is that one person is putting too much pressure on the other. The fact is, some people just need to talk less than others (Psalm 139:13-14).
Usually, a wife needs to talk more than her husband. While a husband does need to stretch himself and choose to talk more to help his wife feel connected, it’s also true that a wife needs to accept that her husband isn’t wired the same way as her. Romans 12:10 (NIV), “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
When a wife pressures her husband to talk more, it makes him want to talk less. When she can accept him and enjoy silence with him, when she can help his needs get met, it fuels his tank and helps him talk more.
Your marriage is the most important human relationship you have, but it was never designed to be the only human relationship you need.
Perhaps you need to talk to a friend or family member on the phone for 30 minutes once a day to help fill your social tank. Perhaps your desire for your spouse to talk to you more is just you being more extroverted and wanting more socializing than a single relationship can offer.
Don’t think your marriage is unhealthy because your spouse can’t meet all your social needs. God never designed your marriage to isolate you from your other important relationships.
Other people need you to talk to them too. By using your desire for more conversation to connect with people beyond your spouse, you might be expanding the Kingdom by helping and loving others. As 1 Thessalonians 3:12-13 (NLT) states:
And may the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow, just as our love for you overflows. May he, as a result, make your hearts strong, blameless, and holy as you stand before God our Father when our Lord Jesus comes again with all his holy people. Amen.”
Here are two related articles, one for husbands and one for wives:
5 Ways to Help Your Wife Feel Really Loved By You
5 Ways to Help Your Husband Feel Really Loved By You