If you’re a Christian single woman who wants to be married one day, the last thing you would want is to end up with a spiritually abusive man. And yet, sadly, this happens to many Christian women.
While there are times when a woman did everything as wisely as she could but still ended up with a man who became spiritually abusive in marriage, there are wise biblical steps a woman can take to try to avoid this terrible situation from happening to her.
Therefore, here are 4 ways to avoid marrying a man who will end up being a spiritually abusive husband.
1. To Avoid Marrying a Man Who Becomes a Spiritually Abusive Husband, You Must Prepare Your Heart to Fully Submit to God’s Leading, No Matter How Much You Want a Certain Man
There are basically two easy ways to mishandle a warning sign from God. First, you may misunderstand what God is highlighting. For example:
- If God is warning you about a man’s anger problems, you might interpret this as a sign that you need to be more accommodating so you don’t trigger him. In dating, that would be the wrong interpretation. God is probably showing you this man’s anger issues so you can see that he is not mature enough to be a godly husband.
- If the Lord has allowed you two to have theological conversations that have brought a lot of clarity on your major differences in beliefs, you might interpret this to mean that God wants you to help this man see the Scriptures more accurately. But really, God is probably showing you this to warn you that you two are not theologically compatible enough to form a good union together.
- If this man is doing a great job of hiding his abusive tendencies but the Lord is giving you an inner lack of peace as a warning, you might interpret this as a need to just have more faith. But really, that lack of peace is probably just God warning you that something is not right, even if you don’t exactly know the root issue.
Second, while you can mishandle the interpterion, you can also mishandle a warning sign from God by willfully disobeying what you know he is saying. Some women who end up in unhealthy marriages look back with regret, knowing that they had all the warning signs they needed but simply chose to ignore them because they wanted this relationship to work so badly.
As Isaiah 1:19-20 explains, we must be willingly obedient to be blessed, “If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be eaten by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”
2. To Avoid Marrying a Spiritually Abusive Husband, Avoid a Man If He’s Overly Concerned with Verses About Wives
- Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
- Colossians 3:18, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
- 1 Peter 3:1, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands . . .”
These verses are very triggering for some people. They claim that the Bible promotes male abuse of women. However, notice that in each of these verses, the command to submit is only given to the woman. As far as I can tell, there is not one verse in all the Bible that commands a man to make his wife submit. It’s always the woman’s choice.
For example, in 1 Timothy 3:4, when referring to the qualification of elders, it states, “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive . . .” This would have been the perfect passage to highlight how a husband should make his wife submit if that’s what God wanted a husband to do. But that’s not what it says! It says a man should manage his household well, but when it comes to submission, he should require obedience only from children.
The point is, if a man has an immature and unbiblical view of what Scripture really says about a wife’s submission, the Lord will warn her about the spiritual abuse this man will cause. Sick, spiritually abusive men focus on verses that were directed towards women and ignore all the verses that were directed towards men.
While a man should know what is required of a godly woman so he can choose wisely, he needs to spend more time on being a godly man and obeying what the Scripture says about him (Ephesians 5:25-30, Colossians 3:19, 1 Peter 3:7, 1 Timothy 5:4).
3. To Avoid Marrying a Spiritually Abusive Husband, Watch Out for Men Who Have an Odd Obsession with a Particular Topic in Scripture
It’s healthy to study the Scriptures deeply, to have a strong theological curiosity, and to even study topics that are only briefly mentioned in the Bible. However, one sign of an unhealthy person is when they scream where Scripture whispers and whisper where Scripture screams.
As John Stott said in his famous book about preaching, Between Two Worlds, “Every heresy is due to an overemphasis upon some truth, without allowing other truths to qualify and balance it.”
When a man has a particular obsession with one idea or theme in Scripture, this can be a huge red flag. For example, some men become very obsessed with the dietary laws in the Old Testament and then try to come up with all kinds of arguments for why Christians should still follow these laws, even though the New Testament clearly states we don’t need to do that anymore (Colossians 2:16-19). While it might seem innocent, this man’s religious spirit will seek to control you over time.
That’s just one example. There are countless others. A healthy Christian studies all of Scripture, regardless of how little or much a topic is mentioned. However, they also know to keep the main thing the main thing. People who are spiritually abusive like to claim special knowledge, they like to complicate the simplicity of the word, and they like to impose their own odd interpretations.
They do this because ultimately, it gives them a feeling of control. They think other people need them to properly interpret the Bible. And rather than being helpful, they become harmful through forcefully trying to make others see what they see, even if they are clearly wrong about very basic biblical beliefs (1 Timothy 6:3-5).
4. To Avoid Marrying a Spiritually Abusive Husband, Watch Out for Men Who Are Really Judgmental and Use the Bible Like a Weapon
It’s crucial that we know right from wrong. And yet, in pride, there are many people who use the Bible to judge others rather than to first judge themselves (Matthew 7:1-5).
While a man may not judge you this way yet, if he tends to be very harsh in his application of Scripture when he sees lost people in the world, that is a bad sign. While we must never condone the sins of lost people, we must also not use the Scriptures as a weapon to beat them down and make ourselves feel better. If he does this to others now, he will do this to you later.
For example, while homosexuality is absolutely a sin according to Scripture (Romans 1:26-27), there are some men who hate gay people and use the Bible to justify their hatred. A godly man will never condone the sin of homosexuality, but he will also care about homosexuals and want to be a light to them for the gospel.
That’s just one example. There are countless others. The point is, if a man uses the Bible like a psycho with a sword to hurt people rather than like a doctor with a scalpel to help heal people, he’s toxic and should be avoided (Matthew 23:4, Romans 3:20, Romans 8:3).
Here’s a related article called 4 Conflicts that Happen When You Meet the Man God Wants You to Marry One Day.
