There are few things more confusing in relationships than a man who seems interested, but for some unknown reason, he doesn’t fully pursue.
He talks to you. He seems excited when you’re there. And while subtle, it seems like he’s trying to show you that he cares for you. But when it comes to actually taking the lead and moving things forward, he stays discreet.
And if you’re dealing with a quiet or reserved man, things get even more complicated!
Therefore, here are four ways to invite a quiet man to pursue you without chasing him.
1. To Invite a Quiet Man’s Pursuit, Show Him that You Trust Him
They might seem apathetic or just passive, but that’s not what’s actually holding them back. Most quiet men fear misreading women’s signals or failing to meet expectations.
These guys are self-aware. One reason they are quiet is that they are often doing a lot of introspection. They know they aren’t the most expressive, verbally gifted guy in the room. And so, this can cause them to doubt themselves. They fear that, since they don’t have much experience with women, they might be misreading the situation. Or they fear that if they do start pursuing, they will run into emotional walls and not know how to get past them.
While a man does ultimately need to take these insecurities to God and just pursue the woman he likes, you can help him along by showing him that you trust him. When he feels like you trust him, that will embolden him to pursue you because he will interpret your trust as you respecting him. When a man feels that a woman respects and values him, it gives him confidence and makes him want to be closer to her.
Also, we all tend to trust people who trust us. So when he feels you trust him, he will start to trust you more, too. Thus, he will have greater assurance in his ability to gauge your level of interest.
So how can you help him feel like you trust him? One thing you can do is to confide in him about something you don’t normally talk about. For example, if the topic of work comes up, you can say something like, “Yeah, work has been really difficult lately. There’s been a lot of drama going on.” He will probably then say, “Oh, sorry to hear that” or “Oh, what’s going on?” You can then say, “Well, I don’t normally share this with people, but . . .”
That’s just one example. If you share something that makes him feel like you trust him, that is a subtle sign to a quiet man that you would be open to his pursuit.
Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.”
2. To Invite a Quiet Man’s Pursuit, Signal Interest Clearly Without Over-Verbalizing Your Feelings
When I’ve talked to women in the past who are navigating the confusion of liking a quiet man, they tend to want to just tell him how they feel or write him a letter. While I don’t think this is a sin or the worst idea ever, I do advise this as a last resort.
Rather than sharing your feelings for a guy or asking how he feels about you, I believe it is better to do things that a woman would only do if she liked a guy. Invite him to the family cookout. Give him a small gift on his birthday. Make sure he knows you’re going to be at the event, and then tell him you will save him a seat.
While those things might feel like pursuit, I believe they only turn into pursuit if you were to keep doing them. I’m not saying you should be the one who is always initiating. But at first, to help a quiet man know you want to be pursued, these bold acts can give him the green light.
Proverbs 25:11, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” This verse means that timing is crucial for good communication. And I think the timing normally works best once the man has verbalized interest first. Then you should verbalize your feelings for him, too.
The reason I don’t recommend verbalizing your romantic interest is that it can come across as pursuit. So you might push a strong man away from you since he doesn’t want to be pursued by a woman. And you might attract a passive guy who does want to be pursued by a woman. Also, you might resent him later on if you were the one who initiated everything to begin with.
But as, I said, I think when all else fails, you can just ask him to clarify the relationship for you. It’s not the end of the world to do this. A strong man can sometimes need a kick in the butt to give the clarity you deserve. Hopefully, after that one conversation, he will start being clearer. I would not choose a man whom you need to constantly chase.
3. To Invite a Quiet Man’s Pursuit, Be Available
There is definitely an expiration date on this point. You should not be available to him indefinitely. Rather, I’m saying that to be pursued, you must first be seen.
I know that sounds oversimplistic, but many women forget this reality. They slip in and out of church and then think about a guy from church all week without ever seeing or interacting with him.
So, if you want to be pursued by a man, you have to be around him (Ruth 2:3). And when it comes to a quiet man, I think this is even more important. Quiet men will eventually pursue and verbalize their feelings – I think it just takes them longer than it does for many other guys.
Therefore, if you want him to pursue you, you need to figure out ways to be around him consistently.
4. To Invite a Quiet Man’s Pursuit, Make Him Realize He Can Miss His Chance with You
While I don’t have concrete evidence to prove this, I get the sense that Boaz was a quiet type of guy. The timeline in Ruth is one of those places where a lot of people assume it was instant romance. However, remember that when Ruth met Boaz in Chapter 2, she worked in his field for the entire barley harvest before they became a couple in Chapters 3 and 4. So this was probably two or three months (Ruth 2:23).
Also, it’s important to remember that their window was closing. When the harvest season ended, their reason for seeing each other regularly at Boaz’s field was ending too. This put a healthy pressure on them both to act so they could be together.
Likewise, never wait for a man forever. If he’s going to pursue you one day, he also needs to realize he can lose you, too. I’m not saying you should manipulate him or play hard to get. But if a guy is taking too long, sometimes distancing yourself will help him realize he will lose you if he doesn’t act now. And if he doesn’t pursue you, then it’s better to know that now, so you don’t wait too long for no reason.
A lot more could be said, so if you want to keep learning about this topic, you might want to read my book, Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You.